the plan...

"...at the origin of every human being there is not something haphazard or chance, but a loving plan of God."  ~ Pope Benedict XVI

There are seasons for everything in life. The seasons of motherhood change as my children grow and mature. The seasons in my marriage change right along side it. Some seasons are harder than others filled with strife and storms but everything works together for the glory of the Father. I cling to this knowledge a daily basis. 

Things in my house have been hard in recent weeks. Miss Courtney's seizures have been difficult and pretty persistent in disrupting my girls life and her Mama's sleep. I know that this too shall pass although I am not really sure when or how long it will take. I stopped asking those questions long ago. I just know that when these storms come it's a time to hunker down with my daughter, pray more and love deeper as God once more reveals that only He knows the plan for us and all He asks is our trust in it. 

Most of the time I am a pretty cheerful person. I love to laugh and it is a rare occasion that I  am not smiling. Even in the midst of these challenges God has always brought joy and laughter to lighten things up a bit. This time though is a wee bit different. I have struggled to find the joy amidst the stress.

Last night I was pondering this and I realized that I am in a different season of my womanhood as well. It's not just Miss Courtney that's older, I am now 44 and in the midst of menopause. This changes how I react to things, how I deal with the high level of stress and lack of sleep and finding the joy is proving more difficult. 

When I shared OUR STORY, I was blown away by your kindness and words of encouragement. This journey has not been an easy one BUT we are not alone in it. There are so many other families out there struggling with raising special needs children, trying to keep themselves sane and their families together all while seeking joy and contentment in daily life. 

So what's a girl to do when the joy is missing and daily life is challenging? I need a new plan. What can I do to bring balance back into the force?

Prayer? 

Yes, that could be the issue. Right now most of my prayer time sounds more like a five year old begging for a new this or that. Please God just let her sleep for two more hours. Please God no more seizures tonight. Please God let the VNS adjustment work. etc. etc. etc. I do need to take more dedicated time and just praise Him for everything right and good. Then I need to praise Him for everything that is hard and challenging because He needs me to do it for some reason. He needs Courtney to go through this for some reason. I know it in my head...it's the heart that's hurting. I need to remember in the darkest moment that He has redeemed it all. Every single time I praise, I feel all the dread lift from my shoulders and a little sunshine peek into the heart...so praise we shall...

Bake? 

Normally I would say yes. It has always brought me great pleasure and I will admit that the kitchen is my "zen" spot in the house. But I am now in a season of life that if I ate everything I baked, I would be a Two Ton Tessie and that my friends is not only unattractive but bad for my health and well being. I can still bake but there must be an exit strategy for those goodies to leave the house quickly to find a loving home that is not my hips! I can hear my hubby now "Honey the guys in the office love..." Hmmm...OK, maybe we will spend a little time creating in the kitchen...

Exercise?

I have long had a love/hate relationship with exercise. I would much rather hike a mountain that listen to Jillian yell at me during the 30 Day Dread...I mean Shread. Of course there is Miss Courtney to think of so hiking really doesn't happen when you have someone in a wheelchair. Exercise is necessary for sure, especially if I ever hope to give up my dependance on elastic waist pants, but for today...I am not really feeling it. Then again, maybe a walk with my daughter soaking in the rare sunshine for January, allowing ourselves a moment to just be. OK...add that to the list...

Write?

I suppose it's always good to write things out. I would like to give myself a new mandate though. I really don't need to drag the rest of Facebook down with me when I am going through a hard time. Holy smokes. I read my last ten updates and apparently I am clinically depressed and someone is dying! At least that's what I sound like. Life is really NOT that bad. I am just a tired middle aged menopausal woman who has a nineteen year old disabled daughter who is going through a difficult time.  OK, that doesn't sound good either but whatever I am too tired to erase it. However, I love when people share quotes and funny things their kids say that make me laugh. That will be my challenge...be lighter, find the humor (even if it's Gallows humor) and share some inspiration. It will help me and others...this I can do...

Sleep? 


AHH HAH!! Shazam!! 

Huston we have found the answer! Sleep! I need sleep!! I am not twenty-two pulling an all-nighter studying for exams. I am not a new Mama nursing and nourishing a wee one. According to my middle-aged menopausal manual I need eight to nine hours a night. LOL! I don't think that has happened since I became a parent, let alone since seizures entered our world. So this will be the hardest part of the plan. Sleep. But I can do it! I will rise to the occasion of no caffeine after 4 p.m, no eating/snaking after 7 p.m, allowing time for reading before bed to relax the mind and body preparing for rest and finally making sure the CPAP machine is ready to great me at 10 p.m.

Ah that sounds lovely doesn't it. Asleep by 10. This way if Miss Courtney decides that 2 a.m. is a great time to dance than I have had a few hours of solid sleep instead of just a nap. That makes me smile already. 

So this year, no resolutions about weight loss or life goals. This year for me it's about beginning to embrace this season of life. To be content right where I am. To laugh more every day. To love more and really savor my family while we are all together in one house because that will not always be. To praise and pray my way through the day even if it involves a little wallowing, to search for that light that is always there. It's time to take better care of this temple God gave me to carry me through the journey He set forth. Time for sleep, rest and proper nourishment when needed. 

It's time to say goodbye to elastic waists and embrace a fitted blouse always knowing that on really challenging days, the yoga pants await with open arms to warmly greet me, and there are extra marshmallows in the cupboard for the hot chocolate that will sooth my weary soul. 

So, I am breathing deeply (as the banana bread bakes), walking slowly (feeling my Vitamin D deficiency drift away), embracing the pain and praising HIM for it (Sara Groves is blasting in the background), and I will love this girl who helps me understand what LOVE is all about. 

today i...

“Each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed. Each of us is loved. Each of us is necessary.” 

― Pope Benedict XVI

about 60% of the crowd was under the age of 35...amazing...

Today I marched...I marched for my daughter and the dignity of her life. The worlds says she is a burden, my mother's heart says she is the heart of our home and we would not know who we are without her. 

Today I marched peacefully along side thousands of others who believe as I do that life begins at conception and every child is wanted and loved.

Today it rained and rained and yet, it was one of the largest crowds I have ever seen at the March for Life. God is moving hearts. He will prevail. 

Today I marched for all those babies whose parents chose not to welcome into this world due a disability they felt they could not handle. 

Today my mother's heart weeped for those woman and men who have been victims of abortion and all the lies the culture spews about choice. Their children didn't have a choice. They died.

Today I was amazed to see the young church in action. The Roman Catholics, the Anglicans, the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Orthodox Christians, the Greeks and the Jewish communities were represented by so many young people. About 60% of the crowd was under the age of 35. The church is alive and well. Praise God for all of them believing as they do. 

Today, I received this picture form Jerry who stayed home with Miss Courtney due to the nasty weather. Usually she marches with us but this year with all of her health challenges, we felt it best for her to remain home and dry. She and Jerry prayed the Rosary for us. She likes to hold the big beads...Daddy helps her move them...

Courtney loves Mother Mary...

Today, I am once more humbled that God chose me to be her mother. Even though I struggle in this role, watching her suffer on a daily basis, I know God is present all the time. I know that there is a purpose for her life and I know that as long as I trust and hope, everything will be OK! 

Excerpt From Catholic News Agency:

"An 80 percent abortion rate of those with disabilities shows the need to restore a fundamental respect for human dignity in America, said Archbishop Charles J. Chaput of Philadelphia.

He underscored that the plight of disabled babies highlights "a struggle within the American soul" that will shape the future of the nation. 

"These children with disabilities are not a burden; they're a priceless gift to all of us," the archbishop said. "They're a doorway to the real meaning of our humanity."

Archbishop Chaput delivered the keynote address at the thirteenth annual Cardinal O'Connor Conference on Life on Jan. 22. 

The conference, which was held at Georgetown University, took place one day before the March for Life, at which hundreds of thousands of Americans annually gather in the nation's capital to protest abortion and show their support for the dignity of all human life. 

"Abortion kills a child, it wounds a precious part of a woman's own dignity and identity, and it steals hope," the archbishop said. "That's why it's wrong. That's why it needs to end. That's why we march."

He warned that without a strong foundation of faith and morals, America becomes "alien and hostile" to its founding ideals. This threat is clearly demonstrated in the country's treatment of the poor and disabled, which the archbishop said "shows what we really believe about human dignity." 

Parents and doctors should be realistic about the challenges, understanding that raising a disabled child will involve "some degree of suffering," he said. However, they should also see the potential and beauty of children with special needs, realizing that no child is perfect.

"The real choice in accepting or rejecting a child with special needs is between love and unlove; between courage and cowardice; between trust and fear," he said.   

May I always chose love, courage and trust!

What did you do today?

Mary

a new year...many blessings...

Things here at Chez Lenaburg are moving forward at a very clipped pace this New Year. Miss Courtney is finally responding positively to the re-calibration of her VNS device after a pretty rough start. She is smiling once again and is more alert everyday. We still have a ways to go but I am pleased with the direction we're headed in.

This new year snuck up on me. One day I was hanging stockings and before you knew it I was writing 2012 on my checks. Time truly does move much quicker the older I get. With all the recent stress with Miss Courtney's health, I promised myself that I would take a deep breath each morning helping me to stay in the moment. I try to soak in every smile, giggle and snuggle that the good days have to offer so that I had more strength to survive the bad days.

Even in the midst of the busy holiday, the medical emergencies with Courtney, cooking, cleaning, de-cluttering the house room by room, rearranging two bedrooms, pulling up carpet and scrubbing floors until my shoulders were screaming, God was present in all of it.

He really was. He was there in the high fives my hubby and I exchanged after defeating 30 year old carpet with out lungs still intact.

He was there when our son graduated form Northern Virginia Community College with his Associates of Arts Degree. Not the first path he started down but God provided the guidance and perseverance to find his way through some serious emotional weeds. So proud of my boy!

He was there in the simple things like making my first lemon meringue pie and having the lemon curd NOT curdle. Trust me when I say I was praying the entire time and every thing turned out beautifully.

What??

I pray every single time I am in the kitchen and some times it sounds more like begging..."Please God, please God make this work!"

But the blessings don't just come in the kitchen. They come in the renewed patience I feel these days to give myself a break from all the negative self-talk and perfectionism that bears down on me every single day. It's quite difficult to start new habits but I am determined for the betterment of my life and my family's.

One day, one step at a time.

Life is a marathon not a sprint...thank goodness because I am way out of shape...I would puke if I had to sprint!

So many blessings, so many gifts given freely from above with grace and mercy:
#693 ~ #733

#693 - new cookbooks....yea!

* all the culinary possibilities that new cookbooks bring to my kitchen
* clean counter and newly organized kitchen cabinets that allow me to work quickly and efficiently
* bowls of creamy, hearty soup
* fresh baked bread slathered in fresh "churned" butter
* the smile on my beloved's face when carving the roast beast for Sunday supper
* the feeling of providing well for thos you love
* patience that stretches over my life forcing me to stop and listen to where God needs me to be
* new habits, old habits, there all the same just dusted off 
* the blessing of praying for other sick children after so many have prayed for mine
* for the miraculous birth and healing of Miles Powers...God is good all the time and He hears EVERY prayer prayed...EVERY single one. This time, He chose to heal and for that we sing His praises!
* for the renewed purpose a New Year brings to those life long goals staring up at me from an old faded piece of notebook paper

#704 - Sunday afternoon naps...sweet...

* for sleeping daughter and Sunday afternoon nap times.
* for the gift of my sight and all it allows me to take in 
* to finally understand my relationship with food and how it mimics the way I feel about money. HUGE aha moment this week. Thank you Lord Jesus...thank you!
* praise for Miss Caryl's doctors to discover what was wrong and to fix it!
* praise for Jonathan's achieving his AA diploma. Now prayers begin for what the next step is
* for water bottles jiggling with warm goodness clothed in flannel and fleece
* a toasty bed to crawl into due to those fabulous water bottles
* warm feet in wool socks
* for friends to pray with and for
* hugs...lots of hugs...

#714 - Magic buttonholes...

* for sewing machines that create beautiful buttonholes
* praise for actually finishing a sewing project from start to finish
* praise for a sewing instructor that always encouraged - no matter how beginner my mistake was
* for a graphic print that makes me feel smaller instead of the size of my Grandmothers sofa
* straight line sewing
* measuring twice, cutting once
* praise for a fabulous sewing partner, Miss Pam! For her encouragement and positive attitude
* praise for the sewing machine department being close by my classroom and for the staff that calmed me down as my tension was all flubbed up causing much "tension" in me to rise up!!
* a sewing machine that sews once more...yea!!

#723 -  unexpected generosity...so appreciated...

* for the generosity of a family who lost their son and donated his lift and we are the blessed recipients
* for the smile on my husbands face the first day we used the sling and he didn't have to carry Miss Courtney
* for the absolute miracle that the lift actually fits into our very small 1968 home
* to be able to "lift" Courtney all by myself allowing me more freedom in caring for her daily
* for the smell of roses that surrounds her on occasion
* for knowing where the smell comes form...May Our Lady be with us always
* praise for Mr. caleb and his brave parents as they enter a new phase of life today. May I beg your prayers for them. It's a tough day but a very good day
* for the staff at Miss Courtney's school. They love and love and love
* for being able to finally think about the future without my throat closing off as I am consumed with grief and everything that could go wrong
* to be able to serve the homeless in some small way
* to know I am loved beyond reason by My Beloved who gave His life for me, a sinner

Head on over to Ann Voskamp @A Holy Experience to be inspired once more

so true...

Source: google.de via Janet on Pinterest

snow and some time away...

It actually snowed here today for the first time this winter...Yea!!

Hello my sweet friends, 

I pray that 2012 is treating you and those you love with lots of love. Things here at Chez Lenaburg are busy, busy, busy so my time here in this space is quite limited at the moment. Thank you so much for your patience with me. I had hoped to return full-time this week but Courtney's daily needs are intense at the moment so family wins. 

Miss Courtney is hanging in and handling the adjustments on her VNS device fairly well. The daily seizures are still present but the ferocity is lessening. We have six more adjustments to go through until her calibration is where we need it to be. This means twice weekly neurology visits plus lots of data tracking and note taking by Mom/Nurse by day and night. 

I have been able to get back in the kitchen with a renewed fervor. Always on the look out for new tasty recipes that are fairly healthy I have been able to bring some new flavors to our dinner table. I also have dusted off the sewing machine and started to sew once more. It makes me smile thinking about all the possibilities for the new year in the home dec department. It's time to show some love to our tired little Cape Cod.

Miss Courtney tucked in for a long winters nap...with her stuffed puppy Roxie II...

So onward we go. Once Mis Courtney's VNS is fully calibrated I look forward to being more present in this space. I will be popping in every once in awhile in the next few weeks and I hope you'll still be here. If not, I completely understand. 

Thanks for all the prayers and support for my girl. Know that we pray for all of you everyday. 

Blessings and Grace my Friends, 

Mary

a decision...

Today we finally got an answer form Courtney's neurology team on whether or not she would need to have her VNS device replaced. Thankfully the reboot on the device worked and it is functioning once more. Yea!! So over the next three weeks we will head into the Docs office and slowly recalibrate the device so that it's at the settings she needs and pray everything goes smoothly.

So no surgery and hopefully in time the seizures will abate...until then...we keep moving forward...one day at a time...

Thanks so much for all your prayers...see you Sunday!

Mary