This morning begins Day 3 of being home with Court and I have to say this is not fun. Yes, I know it's necessary, just not fun. I do not like to be home bound as anyone close to me will tell you. I enjoy being out and about interacting with lots of people. Courtney is a lovely companion, but after three days of constant togetherness, even Courtney is getting tired of me.
Nighttime is the hardest. It is so dark and quiet. In between helping Courtney with her seizures, you would think that I would be reading or writing, but these days there is a lot of thinking going on. This is not necessarily a good thing. Lying awake late at night takes me to those dark places in my heart and mind that don't see the light very often. Fears, past mistakes, negativity rears it's ugly head and by morning I feel unworthy of so much. I feel depressed and sad, scared and overwhelmed. Worst of all I feel alone.
I know this is not true. I know it in my head, but sometimes that knowledge and peace don't make it all the way to my heart. I know that this is but a season in my life and it will pass. I know that God is present to me always even in the darkest of night, in the midst of fear and discouragement. I know it, now I am called to live it! That part is not always easy.
Why do you suppose that is? How do you get out of that pit? Suggestions...Anyone?
Labels: Courtney's World