We got the call yesterday from the neurologist with the results of Court's 24 hour EEG. She is having lots of seizures we are not catching, especially in her sleep. So the recent increase in meds was definitely justified. The doc wants to wait for four weeks and see how she does before he adds or subtracts from her current drug regimen. We will chart her seizures and look for patterns. He will take a closer look at the results and get back to us with any further testing he may want to do. So we hurry up and...wait. We are very good at this. We have had almost 17 years of practice.
As some of you may know and have read here in the past few weeks, I have been struggling with the "burdens" of life. This round of medical tests has been exhausting and I find that the path for Courtney is becoming much more challenging. There are no new meds to try. She has taken them all. She has finally reached a place where we have to measure quality of life versus adding medication. We have been here before, but then a new drug or treatment would come along and rescue us. Not so this time. Now there is nothing on the horizon medically speaking but more drugs which take away little pieces of my daughter every time we mess with them.
So what do we do? How do we go forward? How do we NOT lose hope and give into despair? How do Jerry and I make the right choices for our daughter trying to give her the best quality of life she can have? How do I stem the tide of worry in my heart that we are coming to the end before we are ready to let her go? This has turned around before, many times. Will God chose to turn it around again? How do we find that trust one more time to let go and let God have it?
There is only ONE answer...to seek HIM, through prayer, praise and adoration.
One thing I have been abundantly blessed with for the past ten years is a group of Godly woman who walk this path with me everyday. They pray for me and my family as I do for them and theirs. On Monday nights, the seven of us gather in each others homes and share how God has touched our lives and shown us his tenderness and mercy. We discuss what God is teaching us and how He is forming our hearts and minds. What did we do for someone or say to them that evangelized and spread the Good News of the Gospel in the past week? How can we direct ourselves into a more perfect union with Him? How do we direct our spouse and children? Are we saying "Yes" to all God is asking us to do?
This past Monday was an emotional one for me. I shared some struggles I have been having in finding the joy in the midst of great pain and heartache. My friends surrounded me with prayer then and continue to do so now. Having children requires mother's to have a healthy and robust prayer life and I have fallen down on that lately. These prayerful woman have picked up the slack and carried me through this tunnel of darkness. I am finally beginning to see the light, only because they keep shining it upon my path with their resolute faithfulness and steadfast love. My life is forever changed by their loyalty and friendship.
One of these lovely gems, Cathy C., sent me the following email yesterday afternoon that pierced my heart and it confirmed something that had come to me earlier that day in prayer. The words "sufficient grace". I read this message and was "stunned" that God chose this way to reveal himself to me. Through an email of all things! I thought to share a part of:
I thought of you at several points while watching them (Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar) talk. Perhaps these two things that Michelle said will bring you food for thought and some comfort.
Michelle said that a wise woman once told her,
"Don't question in the darkness what God has shown you in the light."
She also said that she had a turn of heart years ago through this bible verse. She was doing laundry at 1:30am and feeling inadequate to manage the lot she'd been given. She heard God's voice say the first sentence of this verse, and she replied with the second sentence.
2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Ah, there is that light and grace I was just writing about and had heard in prayer. How cool is God's timing? That's a pretty powerful email from a passionate prayer warrior that I am lucky enough to have praying for me. I am humbled to learn this lesson once again. God's grace is enough, always enough. What God has shown me through these ardent prayer partners of mine is that His light shines through each of us always reaching toward His intended target. Today that was me, tomorrow maybe I can pass it along to someone else in need.
So I wanted to take a moment and publicly thank Lynne, Cathy B., Therese, Bridget, Maureen and Cathy C. for bringing Christ's light to me. May He continue to shine His light upon you and those you love. Thank you for being my Sisters In Christ.