I thought "Great. Just what I need. If I pull it, it's over. The whole string will unravel. If I don't, then it will just hang there and look ugly."
I huffed and puffed and was generally unhappy with the situation. I know your sitting there reading this going Really Mary. It's a string. Leave it be and snip it with scissors when you get home. No big deal. But I knew it wasn't just a string. It's how I feel about my life right now. There is too much swirling around me. I feel pulled in too many directions. I can' handle it all. I am slowly but surely unraveling.
I wrapped it up as best I could and went into Mass. I said hello and smiled pleasantly but that smile was not penetrating my heart. I was unsettled and irritated. I sat down with my family and Mass began. I kept looking down at the string. Then during the homily Courtney had a seizure and I had to get her out of the sanctuary quickly. It was a bad one where she yells and cries out. Her arms were stiff and at odd angles, pulsating with her seizure. I pushed her chair as fast as I could without taking anyone out at the knees. All eyes were on us as we went through the vestry ending up in a corner where I could cradle her and calm her. Jerry suddenly appeared beside me and we both just held her and wiped the tears from her eyes.
I felt something catch on her chair and looked down. It was the string to my sweater, unraveling further. I was barely holding it together at that point. Courtney came out of her seizure and we stayed and watched the consecration from afar. I felt Jesus was very far away from me at that point. I was unraveling further. I thought "Why can't she come to Mass and be at peace Lord? Why do you allow this affliction even here in this place? Can't you just protect her from them for an hour? One lousy hour?"
It was time for me to go forward as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. Me and my unraveling sweater. Me and my unsettled heart. As I held Our Lord in my hands, I tried desperately to be calm and focused. It was difficult but I did it.
I experienced a moment of clarity that does not come often in my day to day life. Who am I to be ungrateful? Who am I to be judgemental? Who am I to be unraveling instead of trusting completely in the Lord God Jesus Christ, My Savior, My Redeemer for everything in my life. For inner peace and calm in the storms, for my daughter, my son, my marriage, my wants and the true desires of my heart. He IS. He WAS. He will ALWAYS be.
There is no need to unravel for He made me as I am. He knows my heart. He speaks to me through my weaknesses and loves me still. I will breath deeply once again and rededicate my path to Him. I will TRUST that He knows what is best and rely on His Word. I will walk, one step, one day at a time unraveling the Mystery of who my God is.
Blessings and Grace,