"So faithful, So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you
I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are"
"You are for Me" written and sung by Kari Jobe
These past few days have been emotionally, spiritually and physically challenging for me. Preparing Jonathan for his sophomore year at Franciscan University was a "minor" undertaking from sorting clothes, shopping for supplies, ordering books, etc., etc., etc. On top of this, we had all the prep work to do for Courtney's surgery which was this morning. I spent last week in the van going from doctor to doctor doing blood work and diagnostics on her VNS to be ready for today.
Then there was the five hour drive up on Sunday with a young man who was about to burst he was so filled with excitement for this new year. The energy this guy was firing off was overwhelming at times. He couldn't wait to set up his room (Sorry. I have no pictures. My bad!) and catch up with other students he had met last year. There were no tears from Mom this time. We prayed together, we hugged him, he kissed his sister good bye and then we were gone. I placed him in the loving arms of Our Lady and asked St. Paul to light a fire in his heart for Our Lord. The trip home was longer due to traffic and much quieter because J was no longer with us. I was missing him already.
Monday dawned and it was time for Courtney to be anointed for surgery as well as my monthly spiritual direction. I went to mass with Courtney and I lit candles by the statues of Mary and Joseph for both my children. I asked them to wrap their arms around my children because mine weren't long enough to reach Ohio. My heart was heavy, my body was tired and my spirit dragging. I looked up at Our Lady and a tear slid down my face. How did this woman do it? How did she walk each and every day with joy in her heart knowing her Son was going to give His life for us? I have wondered this before. How was I supposed to be like her, my namesake? I felt unprepared for the task and unwilling to stretch myself in such a way.
During my time with Father I shared my heart and worked my way through some difficulties I have been having in my prayer life. The deeper I go, the more I learn about my Savior and what He needs from me, the more I wish to run away- far, far away! This is hard stuff, this daily living out of my vocation trying to be who He needs me to be. "More of You and less of me" is my new daily mantra.
This morning the alarm went off at 4:30 am and Jerry and I prepared Courtney for her surgery. It was dark and quiet. My movements were purposeful and deliberate. I prayed for my girl through the whole process from dressing her, driving her and waiting in the OR prep area. I hugged and kissed until my lips hurt and Courtney was getting annoyed with me. My friend Christine, who accompanied me to the hospital, rubbed Courtney's legs and back. Court was content and happy until the anesthesia showed up.
She was brave my daughter. Two sticks later and no IV, I was about ready to unleash on someone but my daughter was nonplussed. They decided to wait until they had her in the OR before putting in another IV. I stood and watched my girl, so peaceful and calm even knowing what was going to happen. No tears, no drama just serene peace. How does she do it, this young lady of mine? How does she walk her path with such grace and determination? As I leaned in for my final kisses, I realized that she has let go and let God take it all. Every pain, ache, seizure, breath, every terrifying and scary moment, she has given it to God, for His glory to be revealed through her life. She holds nothing for herself, she loves Him that much.
I am humbled once again in this young ladies presence. I desire to find that peace and balance she has chosen. I know that God is for me and with me even in my weaknesses. I am not perfect by any means. I am a seeker who longs to feel his love and grace fall upon me on a daily basis. He is still writing my story upon my heart as He has continued writing my daughters upon hers. He is still writing my sons story upon his heart and my husbands as well. He is faithful, constant and unwavering in His love and devotion. He just wants us to open the door and ask Him in. He is waiting pen in hand to write a love story...
What is he writing upon your heart this day?
Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life