~be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening
~feel anxiety or apprehension on behalf of
~avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid
This past week has brought a new rhythm to my world. With my new work schedule I am faced with some wonderful opportunities as well as some significant challenges. Both make me very extremely apprehensive. With my tendency toward perfectionism I woke up this morning with a serious headache and my stomach rolling. I knew that I needed to get control of my fears and make a plan of action.
First I needed to clear my mind and center my soul. I called upon my Creator asking for a road map to this new rhythm. I had prayed for so long to be able to come back home and take care of my family as I had done for so many years before Courtney's medical needs required me to work outside the home so our family could remain financially sound. God granted me my hearts desire but in that gift He is also calling me to live in a more intentional manner with our families finances, my homemaking, my writing as well as taking care of my own creative spirit.
~a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome
~desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease
So what's a girl to do. How am I supposed to get everything done that needs to be done, stay on budget, remain faithful to my God in spending time with Him every day, take care of my physical health and be a better wife and mother? I am exhausted just thinking about it. THIS is what I wanted, right?
You see I tend to be an eat the elephant all at once kind of girl. If I am going to do it...I do it BIG! There are no small measures in my head. I don't know how to do anything half-way. I don't want to FAIL - EVER! Yep, no pride here huh? What I needed was a completely new routine taking all these needs into account. Again, totally overwhelmed at the thought!
AAAAAHHHH! One moment I was feeling peace and excitement and in the next utter panic! So I looked at my husband the king of all things FOCUS and begged for help with making my master to-do list. He chuckled knowing my how my mind works after so many years together. I swatted him (nicely of course) and he sat down with me.
Now some of you might think that this is just too much. "Really Mary, you need your husband to do your job? I mean you have waited for this moment for two whole years. Now you can't handle it?" Yep. That's right. The devil on my shoulder sounds like Jack Nicholas in A Few Good Men. Yes, I am loosing my mind. It's OK. I'll find it later.
I have learned a few thing after 21 years of marriage. First and foremost, my husband is a man of action where as I am the Queen of procrastination. He is focused and easily avoids distraction when concentrating on the task at hand and I am like the dog in the movie Up. ANYTHING and EVERYTHING distracts me. "Squirrel!"
So for the next hour we went over what I NEED to do and what I WANT to do. We go over my New Years Resolutions so that I can stay on track and keep moving forward with the goals that I so painstakingly prayed over. Needless to say I have quite a list of things to accomplish in the next few days. There are menu's to create continuing to use our stocked pantry and deep freeze. I know that I can do that for at least another three weeks before a big shop is required. I also need to update my homemakers binder with a new master schedule to include my new money saving chores. The Flylady and I are going to get reacquainted. It truly is an affair of the heart with the purple feathered wonder woman. There are sewing projects to be completed and new ones to dream of. There is writing to do, a book to complete and blog posts to upload.
There is a daughter that needs LOTS of love and attention and a son who requires a cheerleader on site. There is a husband who needs to be loved and honored for all he does to take care of us all. How am I going to accomplish this and NOT COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND???
~firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
~acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation
I need to trust ONCE again. Why is it that I constantly need to relearn this lesson? I am so thankful that God is so very patient with me. I mean seriously people, TRUST is something you would think I had mastered at this point with everything I have been through in my life. And yet...here we are again. Each time He brings me a step closer to the edge of the cliff saying "Just Jump Mary. I'll catch you. Really I will."
You see I am learning that fear and anxiety precede some major growth in my life. If I feel overwhelmed, it means it's time to prune my schedule and take a hard look at my commitments outside the home. I am reminded that my vocation is as wife and mother. That is my ONLY vocation. Faith, Family and Friends. That is the proper order, the triune balance of my life.
So I begin again, my heart filled with gratitude over how God chose to answer my prayer. Filled with hope over the possibilities of my families future. Filled with perseverance, rising to the challenge to be frugal and intentional with time and resources. I know that if I trust in my Lord and Savior, He will be ever faithful and not leave my side. Mary, His Mother will help me daily to be the best wife and mother I can be.
Now it's time for the real fun to begin!
Blessings and Grace, Mary
Labels: My Crazy Life