"A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance."
This past week has been very strange for me emotionally. I have been all over the place and finally, last night, I figured out why.
There are times as Courtney's mother that I really feel the impact that she is not a typical young lady. I have moments where I am consumed by the "What if's?"
What if Court could see?
What if Court were a typical 17 year old?
What if Court didn't have seizures? What would she be able to do?
I have just been pounded with these questions all week. Why now? Well, if Miss Court had been a typical teenager, in the last month she would have gone to her senior prom, graduated from high school and would be on her way to college in the fall. If she were typical.
Well, there is nothing typical about my lovely daughter. Normally that doesn't bother me. She is such a joy, a true gift to our family. I do know that, I do.
For some reason, last night it just landed on my heart that this was not how I thought things would be. I should be telling her that her skirt is too short or that her attitude needs adjustment. Instead I am blending food and making adaptable clothing for someone in a wheelchair. We should be talking about boys and dreams for her future but she doesn't talk.
Oh, what I would give to hear her say "Momma" just once.
So last night the house was quiet. The boys were gone and Court was in bed and I found myself totally overwhelmed by sadness. The was such heaviness in my heart and I felt the dam break. I finally just let the tears come and I wrote and wrote and wrote every emotion, every fear, every desire and dream I have ever had about my daughter in my journal. It was an ugly cry and I was so glad that I could do it alone. Jerry would have felt the need to comfort and I just needed to let it all go.
As I wrote, I prayed. I prayed for peace of mind and heart. I just let go and gave all my disappointments over to Him. I blew my nose about 17 million times and then I went into Court's room and just stared down at her. I don't even know how long I was standing there staring down at this beautiful little lady. Finally I crawled into bed with her and pulled her into my arms.
I began to pray once more thanking Him for this sweet girl I have the privilege of mothering. She is a miracle and I love this girl whether she can talk to me or not. When I ran out of prayers I began to sing her song "You are My Sunshine", over and over again.
She stirred and I stopped singing. Then she smiled in her sleep. That was all my mothers heart needed.
The seasons of life ebb and flow. There is a time of weeping and mourning for what I though should have been and then there is a time to laugh and learn this new dance. I might trip over my feet and land on my butt from time to time but I will keep dancing as long as my beautiful daughter will dance with me.
Blessing and Grace,
Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life