"A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance."
Ecclesiastes 3:4
There are times as Courtney's mother that I really feel the impact that she is not a typical young lady. I have moments where I am consumed by the "What if's?"
What if Court could see?
What if Court were a typical 17 year old?
What if Court didn't have seizures? What would she be able to do?
I have just been pounded with these questions all week. Why now? Well, if Miss Court had been a typical teenager, in the last month she would have gone to her senior prom, graduated from high school and would be on her way to college in the fall. If she were typical.
Well, there is nothing typical about my lovely daughter. Normally that doesn't bother me. She is such a joy, a true gift to our family. I do know that, I do.
For some reason, last night it just landed on my heart that this was not how I thought things would be. I should be telling her that her skirt is too short or that her attitude needs adjustment. Instead I am blending food and making adaptable clothing for someone in a wheelchair. We should be talking about boys and dreams for her future but she doesn't talk.
Oh, what I would give to hear her say "Momma" just once.
So last night the house was quiet. The boys were gone and Court was in bed and I found myself totally overwhelmed by sadness. The was such heaviness in my heart and I felt the dam break. I finally just let the tears come and I wrote and wrote and wrote every emotion, every fear, every desire and dream I have ever had about my daughter in my journal. It was an ugly cry and I was so glad that I could do it alone. Jerry would have felt the need to comfort and I just needed to let it all go.
As I wrote, I prayed. I prayed for peace of mind and heart. I just let go and gave all my disappointments over to Him. I blew my nose about 17 million times and then I went into Court's room and just stared down at her. I don't even know how long I was standing there staring down at this beautiful little lady. Finally I crawled into bed with her and pulled her into my arms.
I began to pray once more thanking Him for this sweet girl I have the privilege of mothering. She is a miracle and I love this girl whether she can talk to me or not. When I ran out of prayers I began to sing her song "You are My Sunshine", over and over again.
She stirred and I stopped singing. Then she smiled in her sleep. That was all my mothers heart needed.
The seasons of life ebb and flow. There is a time of weeping and mourning for what I though should have been and then there is a time to laugh and learn this new dance. I might trip over my feet and land on my butt from time to time but I will keep dancing as long as my beautiful daughter will dance with me.
Blessing and Grace,
Mary
7 comments:
Mary,
What a beautiful post. You made me cry and smile. I wish I was there to give you a hug and to remind you of what you're always telling me--God has a plan and it will be beautiful.
You're in my prayers,
Sharon
My sweet friend,
God does indeed have a plan and it is indeed beautiful! We just need to trust in it and keep dancing baby!
Tears. . .I was picturing every moment and feeling the ache in your heart. . .
You are always in my prayers. . .
Mary, praying that your reward will be great in heaven for the beautiful love and honor you show for your daughter.
oh mary, what a beautiful post! you are a brave and humble woman... and a great mother.
oh, and hello from mbc! :)
God bless you!
adriel @ the mommyhood memos
I too have been where you are. And Shelby is only 3 (she will be 4 next week). While I think autism is in a way a gift to our family, I cannot simply allow myself to think too far ahead. The "what-if's" get me. Then I see friends' daughters who are the same age taking dance classes and starting to learn to ride bikes and Shelby is no where near there. It is almost becoming impossible to potty train her because her receptive speech is so low that she cannot grasp the concept. I try to just love her in this moment now because I won't get it back and now things are relatively simple. And because she is young, doctors still have so much hope. I have said a prayer for you and Courtney on many occasions because I know somewhere on down the line, someone will need to say one for us.
God Bless you my dear friend!
Kristen
Lori and Maria - thank you as always for the prayers.
Adriel - Thank you for your kind words. Looking forward to checking out your blog!
My sweet Kristen - Your journey is just beginning. Remember to trust Our Lady with those mother's tears and frustrations my friend. She walks with you every single day. She knows all about the "what if's".
I have two nephews with autism. My journey with Courtney has prepared me to be a better sister and Aunt. God is with us both having entrusted us with these special ones to love and raise. I have no idea why he chose me, but I will walk the walk as long as my girl needs me and so will you. So we will pray for each other my friend. Email if you ever need a sympathetic ear. I am here!
Blessings and Grace to you all...
Post a Comment