I have always wanted to be a mother.
|Jonathan loves to make Court laugh. Tousling her curls always does it.|
I had baby dolls when I was little. I dressed them and fed them with care. I carried them, rocked them and sang to them.
When ever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would answer "A Ballerina and a Mommy."
I babysat my younger siblings as well as half the neighborhood in my teen years. I married at the young age of 20 and had my children at 22 and 25.
I loved my little wee ones. I dressed them and fed them with care. I carried them, rocked them and sang to them. In the darkness of night I prayed many prayers, sought answers to questions I never thought I would ask and began a relationship with the Father that still comforts and challenges me today.
"For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul."
Proverbs 2: 6-10
As they grew my parenting was very hands on. Parenting was so different for each of them. For my son there were years of Lego building, Narnia reading, GI Joe rescuing, science experiments blowing up, math, math and more math. There were time outs, 1, 2, 3 countings, groundings and so many rosaries prayed I have lost count. I homeschooled him and celebrated each milestone with great joy. I was not/am not the perfect parent but I have never/will never give up in this my most important vocation.
Now Jonathan is going to be 21 in a matter of months. Parenting is no longer "hands on" but learning to be "hands off". I am no longer the coach yelling instructions from the sidelines or teaching a new move or play. I no longer walk through the math problem or science experiment.
These days I am bundled in the bleachers, watching with great eagerness to see what happens next in this great adventure. Well, let's be honest. Sometimes I watch smiling and laughing and sometimes I hide my head in the stadium blanket waiting for that particular play to be over to see what kind of train wreck exists afterward. This is what parenting a child in college looks like. Some days are better than others.
I am the cheering section, screaming at the top of my lungs;
"Great job son, awesome work."
"Dear Jesus, keep him safe. Watch over him."
"Good choice. I am so proud of you."
"You can do this. I know you can."
Occasionally there is booing for a missed play or a penalty on the field.
This is always followed by " Shake it off. It's going to be OK. You've learned what not to do, now move on."
It is difficult for me to let go. I pray everyday for his safety out in the world. I am constantly giving him back to God to hold close. Now that is choosing his major and figuring out his future career, I find myself praying fervently for his vocation. I pray that he hears God's call deep in his heart and that he listens to whatever Our Lord shares with him.
Parenting continues to evolve and change for me but the end goal never will. I wish for my son's happiness and well being. I pray that he finds his calling and remains a man of God until he takes his last breath. I pray if he is called to be a husband and father that he honors those vows as his father has. I pray he loves his children as much or more than we have loved him and his sister. I pray he is able to lead his family to Christ.
He has faced a lot this past year. He is working through some difficult things for one so young. His growing up years were not typical and there are scars on his heart. He is strong and his intention is pure. He loves his God and his parents and makes his sister laugh on a daily basis.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Life doesn't always look like what it does in the movies, sitcoms or in books. It's messy and very unpredictable. We are not in control. God is. It's a hard lesson to learn. Some of us are still learning it.
What's a mother to do?
Cheer like never before and continue to walk with HIM.
Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life