This song played in my head, on and off throughout the late afternoon. Today we had our first appointment with a new neurologist. It was intense filled with LOTS of questions, explanations, more questions, a medical examination, more questions and lots of listening by one overwhelmed set of parents. Our new neurologist is an expert in epilepsy, especially difficult intractable seizures (meaning those that do not respond to typical protocols). He was a font of knowledge and the ninety minutes we spent with him was a real game changer for us.
After eighteen years of test after test, question after question, more nights pacing calling upon God to answer the "why" of Courtney's seizures, we may actually be close to figuring it out. I am not sure how I feel about all of it right now. I have been at peace for years over not knowing. I have accepted that and moved into the living and loving part of life.
They "why" doesn't change the future for my daughter. Court's seizures are still not under control, although he was excited about the possibilities. The brain-damage caused by multiple seizures accompanied by a serious lack of oxygen, cannot be reversed. The outcome of my daughters life will be the same as it was before today. So does the "why" really matter? I'm not sure...I will have to pray about it.
Many years ago God spoke to my heart and said "Let it be. Live each day and love the best you can." So I did. I trusted and walked in the light of faith and hope. I will not change this practice no matter what happens. Over the next six weeks while Court undergoes a few more tests to see if we can answer the "why" I will continue to let it be. I will continue to keep my knees pressed to the ground and my hands raised in prayer and praise. Mother Mary will come to me speaking words of wisdom and there will be an answer in God's time.
So if you have a notion to, please lift my girl up in prayer would you? While your at it say a prayer for her Momma and Daddy too, for patience and unwavering faith that no matter if the "why" can be explained or not.
Thank you for your prayers and support. There are no words to express our gratitude for each of you.