1.5 pounds of hope...

why does my life always come down to weight?

the weight of a choice made or a decision yet to come.

the weight I see on my scale at home or in my doctors office.

the weight of my daughter who is currently struggling to keep the pounds on.

for me it's a choice between veggies and cookies.

for Courtney...there is no choice...it's life and death.

the weight of this new diet plan and all it's intricacies and time commitment is quite heavy I must say.

I feel the weight of the stress in my head,  my shoulders, my stomach that aches and deep in my heart. It is rare for me to be scared about something. But I have to say...this scares me.

it scares me because we have done everything the docs have asked us to do and Courtney was still loosing weight. if she continues to follow this path, all kinds of really bad things can happen.

really bad things.

this morning I was up at 5 a.m. giving her her first G-tube feeding. the first of five for the day, plus two meals given by mouth and several cups of water by tube as well.

hands are on this child every two hours just like an infant.

meds are given, hugs administered, and I receive smiles in return.

I love those smiles. they are like manna from heaven.

I dress her, take care of her personal care needs, carry her to her wheelchair and we head to school.

it's monday so Miss Courtney is weighed.


she has gained 1.5 pounds. YES!

I control myself and my glee as I get back to work. when the school day is over,  I cry ALL the way home.

the blubbering nasty, ugly cry...over 1.5 pounds.

I get home and I see this posted to FB by the lovely Katie:

Sometimes people cry not because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long.

Is this me? I don't feel strong. I feel overwhelmed and totally exhausted and the sad thing is this new fight has just started.

as I type this she is sitting next to me, snuggling and smiling. 

she is happy. 

I am happy...for now. 

onward to the next 1.5 pounds...

Labels: ,