Today has been a challenging Monday. I found out this morning that one of Miss Courtney's schoolmates passed away yesterday after battling an illness over the last month. Ryan was his name, but we all called him The Professor, due to his studious good looks. I ask for your prayers for the repose of his soul, for his Mom and Dad and his older sibling. There world has been rocked by this. They thought they had more time.
Time.
It's something I think about often. My Courtney has outlived every timeline that has ever been given. I don't know why this is, I just walk by faith that there is still something more for her to do here. There are days when I am at peace with this and others where I feel like I am at war with the world.
God challenges me specifically on a daily basis with the issue of trust. Do I really trust him with EVERYTHING in my life?
Every time she has a seizure and begins to turn blue?
Every time she coughs and begins to choke because she swallowed wrong?
Every time her breathing is so shallow, You have to check and make sure she's OK?
Do I?
I'm still working on it. It's a daily battle of wills.
Courtney is sleeping right now, all curled up in a ball. Safe and sound. My heart brakes for Ryan's Mom whose arms are empty tonight. His time here is done. God has declared it so. I know she was not ready to let him go.
Is a mother ever ready?
No...never.
Am I trusting her COMPLETELY to God's providence or am I questioning His will once more?
As Miss Courtney turned 19 last month my husband and I marveled at her strength and perseverance. We never imagined this is what life would look like with the blessing of time.
It is not an easy thing raising a child with significant special needs. It is not fun or exciting. There are late nights and early mornings, followed by no sleep for weeks.
There are endless doctors visits and therapy sessions and your bank account will never recover from the experience. In the end though what does any of that matter?
When the joy comes in a smile or laughter or in some recognition that she knows we are here, that we love her with everything we have, that is what makes it ALL worth it.
I love this girl. I love her with my entire life. I love her like Ryan's Mom loved him. Now she will have to let him go.
I pray that I have the grace and strength to survive that when the time comes. Today though I am blessed with more time. So we live, we love and we remember a beautiful boy who lit up a room with his smile.
Oh how we will miss him...Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life
