doesn't mean what you think it means...

I poured out my heart on Friday and you broke the rules and surrounded me with overwhelming grace. I am humbled once more by how God chooses to heal and encourage. He is so full of surprises.

I have struggled on these pages of late. I try to be funny and it fall flat. I try to encourage and it feels weak. I bake and post the recipes, I take photos of the MOST beautiful 19 year old chronicling our daily life filled with the mundane and typical.

In the wee hours of the morning I write filling blank pages of a book I have no idea if anyone will ever see. I write about my life as Courtney's mom and Jerry's wife. I write about Jonathan and Jesus. I cry, I laugh, I remember, I write some more.

But then I come back to this space and I don't bring those stories with me. Those stories I am saving for the famous memoir I have told you about. A memoir filled with stories of God's mercy and grace. Stories of sin, failure and redemption. The blog is one thing, the book is another.

But is it? This is what I have been struggling with for over a year now. I have been drowning in the fear that if I actually let down the wall surrounding my heart, and write the stories that have formed me, that have molded my heart as a wife and mother, you would know the truth about me.

I am a sinner. I have failed as a mother and a wife and only through the grace of My Redeemer will I be set on the proper path. I am not perfect. I am not happy all the time. I hurt and I struggle with the same things you do, guilt, shame for past choices, impatience and judgement for those who are different than me.

Last night I met a writer who told me that "Grace is where mercy and guilt wrestle it out." There has been a WWF wrestling match that has been going on in my heart this last year and it's time for a winner to be declared.

Grace reigns. Redemption conquers. God wins.

So tomorrow I will begin posting my story, my memoir here on these pages. I will pull back the veil of my life, the truth of decisions past and present and share a piece of my soul with you. I will share the story of my daughter Courtney with you from the beginning. The good, the bad and the ugly of choices made, sins committed and redemption received.

Are you ready to take a journey with me? I must admit that right now I am completely terrified but I know that God is calling me to be bold and brave, to step out in faith and share how He has transformed my heart and my families over these last nineteen years.

So, shall we begin? It's all bout acceptance. Trust doesn't mean what you think it means.

Part One on Monday...until then...blessings and grace my friends...

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