time...

Courtney and Mama after a stellar reading of "The Seven Silly Eaters."

Time...I have been thinking about it a lot lately. 'Tis the season to be rushing here, rushing there, being jolly while picking holly and decorating and shopping and wrapping and...well you get the picture.  At least that's what the world says we're supposed to be doing.

One of the joys of having a special needs child time puts on a different coat depending on the circumstance. Courtney reminds me everyday that nothing is more important in life than the love of God, family and a really great story read while all snuggled up like a bug in a rug.  

Some days time moves at a swifter pace bringing to the surface fear of a time when you won’t be there to care for your special one. Those moments require a special trust in Our Lord to bring peace of mind that He has it ALL under control. 

There is relief when you have survived the day filled with seizures and your mother's heart aches for the suffering that you've witnessed. The day ends in prayer committing that special soul to God for the night and begging Him to allow one more day enjoying this beautiful young woman. 

There is joy in the times that Grandma comes and gives extra attention and love reminding me of similar moments in my youth when she read me books and snuggled close on that lovely 1970 plaid sofa in shades of brow and gold. Who could forget that!

There is tenderness in my mothers heart that breaks wide open watching my son care so sweetly for the sister that will never say his name. Those moments in time will stay with me for a lifetime.

There is the desire to stop time in it’s tracks when Courtney laughs, making the most unbelievably wonderful sound in the entire universe, filling every crook and cranny of my heart with absolute bliss. 

Time is precious. You can’t rush it. You can’t push it forward or back.

There are days when I need to sit with each minute of the day and savor the ebb and flow of it. Be grateful for the gift of it.

Time is to be savored like a piece of sweet pie and a hot cup of joe.

Time should be celebrated as a gift given from the Maker of All Seasons.

Time...it is a gift...to be fully embraced and enjoyed...slowly and perfectly...with friends and family.

Courtney and I wish you lots of time spent with those you hold close to your hearts this Advent season. I pray you take the time to slow down and enjoy living right where you are, fully with joy.

tasty tuesday ~ california chili w/turkey

This chili will warm your tummy on a cool Fall evening...perfect football food!

My boys a red big chili fans. They like Texas Chili with the big chunks of beef roast without beans. They like my mothers version with the red kidney beans and the ground beef. When I suggested this recipe they both raised their eyebrows questioning my sanity. Chili from California? With turkey meat? "That's not man chili." said the 22 year old. "Turkey is not even meat Mom. It's poultry." 

Well I smell a challenge and this gal has never backed down form a challenge unless it involved jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. In that case I say good luck and have a nice free fall without me. I'll be in the kitchen making some California Chili with turkey making my meat lover mens mouth's water with the aromas of poblano peppers, garlic, tomatoes, cumin and cloves.

Yes, you read correctly cloves. They had a lovely warm back note to this dish that made the dish more sophisticated than just a bowl of chili. For those of you looking to use leftover Thanksgiving turkey just skip the "brown the meat" part and add in the leftovers. You can serve it on top of the quinoa which is quite scrumptious I must say!

Guess what...the carnivores I live with...LOVED it! Take that! Poultry my sweet patootie!
This gal has a new favorite chili recipe...YeeHaw!

Celebrate the Feast!

Mary

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This weeks recipe is being shared with Mouthwatering Mondays @ ASouthernFairyTale, Homemaker Mondays @ 11th Heaven's Homemaking Haven, Made by You Mondays @ Skip to my Lou,  Tuesday's Tasty Tidbits, Nap Time Creations, Balancing Beauty and Bedlam , Made From Scratch Tuesday @ From Mess Hall to Bistro, Totally Tasty Tuesday @ Mandy's Recipe Box, Domestically Divine Homemaking Link Up, What's Cooking Wednesday @ Tales from the Fairy Blogmother, Raising Homemakers, Delicious Dishes, Tempt Your Tummy Tuesday, The King's Court IV, This Chic Cooks, Tuesdays at the Table, 33 Shades of Green, Recipes I Want to Try @ At Home with Haley, Full Plate @ Miz Helen's Country Cottage, Friday Flair @ Whipperberry as well as the Hearth and Soul Blog Hop@21st Century Housewife. Head on over to their blogs and check out other fabulous recipes.

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This recipe will win over the most ardent beef fans...

California Turkey Chili

Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis

Ingredients:

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

4 large cloves garlic, smashed, peeled and chopped

2 large poblano chiles, stemmed, seeded and diced

1 celery stalk, chopped

1 large onion, chopped

1 1/2 pounds ground turkey (dark meat)

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour

4 tablespoons tomato paste

3 tablespoons chili powder

1 tablespoon ground cumin

2 teaspoons (packed) dark brown sugar

1 teaspoon dried Mexican oregano, crushed

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

3 cups low-salt chicken broth (preferably organic)

One 15 to 16-ounce can cannellini (white kidney beans), rinsed and drained

Simplest Quinoa and Pine Nut Pilaf, recipe follows

Assorted garnishes, such as chopped onion, shredded white Cheddar, chopped tomatoes and/or sour cream

Directions:

Heat the oil in a heavy, large pot over medium-high heat. Add the garlic, poblanos, celery and onions. Saute until the vegetables soften, 5 to 6 minutes. Add the turkey and saute until no longer pink, breaking up the turkey with the back of a spoon, about 7 minutes. Sprinkle the flour over and stir to blend. Add the tomato paste, chili powder, cumin, sugar, oregano, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, cinnamon and cloves. Cook 1 to 2 minutes, stirring to blend. Add the broth and beans. Bring to a simmer. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer until the flavors blend and the chili thickens to desired consistency, stirring often, 20 to 30 minutes. Season with more salt and pepper.

To serve, spoon Simplest Quinoa and Pine Nut Pilaf into deep bowls. Ladle chili over. Serve with garnishes.

Cook's Note: Other garnishes that you could offer: chopped radishes, pickled jalapenos, crumbled cotija cheese, tortilla chips and/or pico de gallo.

Simplest Quinoa and Pine Nut Pilaf:

1 1/4 cups whole grain quinoa (about 7 ounces)

1 3/4 cups low-salt chicken broth (preferably organic)

1/4 teaspoon kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro or Italian parsley

1/3 cup pine nuts

Place the quinoa in a fine sieve. Rinse under cold running water 1 full minute. Set aside to drain.

Bring the broth, salt and pepper to a boil in heavy, medium saucepan over medium-high heat. Stir in the quinoa. Cover, reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer until the quinoa is tender and all the broth is absorbed, about 15 minutes. Turn off the heat. Let the quinoa stand, still covered, for 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Scatter pine nuts on a small rimmed baking sheet. Toast the nuts until golden, stirring occasionally, about 5 minutes. Cool on the baking sheet.

Mix the cilantro and pine nuts into the quinoa.

counting...always counting...

#612 - smiles and story time with "Seven Silly Eaters"

Blessings have a way of multiplying especially when you least expect it. It's been a tumultuous few weeks for me as I tell my story and how my daughter's story changed the course of my life. Everyday I would get up and memories would flood my mind and my heart. Some good, some not so good. I would write, then erase, then write some more. I have been blessed beyond measure by your comments, your emails and your encouragement my dear readers. I have been challenged by your questions and humbled by your private witness of faith and hope.

My story is not over by a long shot. In fact I have a feeling it's just beginning. I hope those of you who are new to this space will continue to stop in and see where the adventure leads. I  will continue to share the story of my daughter and where God takes us. My boys will show up in these pages as well. There will be lots of good recipes shared and a book review or three.

On this day though, it's a time to count all the awesome things that God has brought to my life in the past few weeks. Are you ready to count the joy??

#613 - for laughter and snuggles in warm lambs wool

Here we go...I am thankful for:

#606 ~ #644: 
* a quote sent in an email that changes my perspective "Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy." 
-- Abraham Joshua Heschel, rabbi
* for the beautiful soul who sent it (KK)
* for the encouragement and love shown in the past two weeks of publishing this story.
* for Karen, Sharon and Danielle who were afraid that my grammar would scare people, so they fixed it...well most of it. LOL!
* for so many prayers prayed for my girl
* for laughter and snuggles in warm lambs wool
* smiles and story time with "Seven Silly Eaters"
* an iPod filled with Christmas music
* friends who surround us with hope 
* Orange Tangerine Zinger tea with a spot of honey
* Our Blessed Lady's words of love for her Son
* a husband who prays with me
* the courage to step into the pool of fear and swim to the other side
* my Sunshine, who keeps me focused and filled with love 
* the inspired Word of God
* the new translation of the Mass, layered with the bounty of tradition and grace
* shelves bursting with good words 
* contentment with living in the now
* tratan plaid hats w/new winter coats
* hand-knit red mitten sent form afar
* warm hands stitching on quilts and more
* alka selzter cold medicine - manna from Heaven
* trunks overflowing with Christmas cheer
* photographs of loved ones that are gone but never forgotten
* the sound of my son reading to his sister
* the sound of my son laughing with his father
* the sound of my son singing in the shower, totally off key!
* gainful employment for my husband
* part-time employment for me
* the answer to a prayer spoken long, long ago
* fuzzy slippers and Miracle on 34th Street
* baked macaroni and cheese with fresh breadcrumbs toasted on top...yummmmm!
* paint chips and fabric samples
* patterns and new fabric - the possibilities abound
* a new story to tell
* making good on a promise made long ago
* spy novels and hot tea with lemon
* you my dear readers - I am so very thankful for each and every one of you

Head on over to Ann Voskamp @A Holy Experience to be inspired once more

Living in the Now...

It has been a privilege to share these memories with so many. Many of you have asked me why I chose to “publish” this memoir of sorts on this blog instead of pursuing or waiting for a book contract to come my way.

When the Holy Spirit moves, He means business.

Many of you have read my moment of despair here, a moment that really began many years ago and came to full fruition that one Friday in Pennsylvania. Over the course of the week that followed God’s light began to shine in those dark places fully illuminating the truth and what I needed to do to move out of this space and direct me onto the correct path I am supposed to be on.

The following weekend presented a series of events that changed the course of my journey. Saturday my fellow romance writer’s from the Washington Romance Writer’s welcomed Michael Hauge, a talented Hollywood screenwriter and writing coach for a weekend workshop. Over the course of the next two days, I listened to him present the idea of “identity” and “essence” of our heros and heroines. He walked through the “Heros Journey” and all the elements that make for a strong novel.

At the end of the first day he posed a question to each of us.

“What is preventing you from completely this novel? What is standing in your way. We are all wounded. We all have fears and obstacles in our lives. So ask yourself the following question.” he said.

“I would do anything to (blank), but just don’t ask me to (blank) because it’s just not me.”

“You’ll know you have the right answer when you fill in the second blank. It should scare the crap out of you. That’s the fear you need to face and overcome.”

With that he ended the first day of workshops and we all went our separate ways for the evening before returning the next day for the final half day of talks.

It was a lot to sit with and mull over. As I left the conference room, my phone rang. It was my mother.

“Hey Mom, What’s up?”

“What time am I meeting you tonight for the talk.”

crap...I forgot...

She had asked me three weeks prior to join her for a talk that evening at St. Peter’s Church in Olney. The speaker, Kevin Wells, would be talking about his memoir “BURST”. She had heard him speak before and really thought I would enjoy his presentation.
I was tired and just wanted to go home.

“Mom, I am not sure I’m up for it tonight.”

“Mary, he’s good. Really good and I think you need to hear him speak. He’s funny. He’s Irish. He’s a good storyteller. It’s 90 minutes. Your already here. I’ll meet you at the Starbucks on 108. The church is right down the street.

a little vice inside my head spoke..."you don’t say no to your mother"...

“Fine Mom. He better be funny. I’ll see you in an hour.”

I arrived at the coffee shop, and purchased a restorative chai latte. Then Mom and I headed to the church.

Kevin Wells was a captivating speaker sharing his storing of a miraculous healing from a brain bleed that should have taken his life. He spoke of God’s grace in the midst of suffering. He spoke of miracles and moments of tremendous mercy. He spoke of forgiveness and healing.

Toward the end of his talk, he told a story about when he traveled to Lourdes on a healing pilgrimage. I leaned forward with great interest. He said that one evening he was in a bar with a fellow pilgrim and they were discussing all that had happened during their trip.

Kevin said "I told my friend that if we keep what happens in Lourdes, in Lourdes, than we haven't done what God has asked us to do."

I almost fell out of my chair. I grabbed my mothers hand. She sat there calmly not surprised at all. "I told you you needed to hear him speak." she whispered.

He had just repeated, word for freaking exact word, what my father had said over 10 years ago. I tried to steady myself. The emotion of the memory was threatening to over take me. I had not done what he said. Not in ten years.

After the talk was finished and Kevin had signed everyones books, I had the opportunity to speak to him one on one.

"You must be Mary Beth. Your mother had told me all about your story and your daughter Courtney. Have a seat. Let's chat."

No man had called me Mary Beth since my Dad died. I almost lost it right there. We spoke of miracles and promises unkept. He asked if I had written everything down.

"Yes," I said.

"Is it published? Can I buy the book? I would love to read it." He said.

"Well no, it's not, at least not yet." I answered.

"Oh, so you have it on your blog, the story of Lourdes and how you figured everything out?"

"Well no, not exactly."

"Your blog is called Passionate Perseverance. Strong, gutsy...I like it. You must have other stories on there."he insisted.

"Some. I also publish book reviews and lots of recipes. I love to cook." I was nervous and felt defensive. No one had pushed like this since my Dad.

"Hmm. What are you afraid of?" He asked, looking directly at me. "Being called a "Holy Hannah"? Being "Too Catholic"? What's stopping you from writing it?"

I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.

"OK. I feel compelled to insist that you complete the task. When I go to your blog it will be ther. I have complete confidence in you and your story. I can't wait to read it."

I just sat there staring at him.

"Mary Beth, if you leave what happened in Lourdes, in Lourdes, than your not doing what God asked you to do."

Crap. I had just figured out the answer to Michael Hauge's second question. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to get it wrong. Was I really a decent enough writer to do this? To make it worth reading? To honor what happened? Yes, it scared me to death.

I thanked him for the vote of confidence, we exchanged information and I left with my Mom. As we were walking to the car my mother out her arms around me. I started to cry.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Mom, once you tell a story, press publish, it's no longer yours. I can't control what happens to it. Some people won't understand. They are going to think we're nuts. How do you explain what happened? There is not explanation than it comes straight form God. AWESOME! Now I hear divine voices! Yes! That shows mental stability."

"Mary Beth, look at you. The burden you and Jerry carry is a heavy one. Most days you carry it with great joy and grace. But God was very direct with you in Lourdes. You need to accept that Courtney has a job to do to and she needs your words to do it. God is working through you both, sharing what love really looks like. It's all about giving of yourself to something greater than yourself. This is what you have been called to do. To speak the truth with love. You need to walk through the fire of your fear and let it go. God is waiting for you to move Mary Beth...so move."

Yeah...walk through the fire of your fear...sure...no problem...let me get right on that walking through fire thing...yup...thanks Daddy...thanks a lot!

"I'll think about it Mom. I will. I promise."

"Your Dad's counting on you Mary. So's Kevin. I love you." She hugged me and we parted ways.

I cried all the way home, trying to convince myself that this night did not happened and I did not need to put myself out there like that. It was fine. Courtney's story could be told without all the stress of proper grammar and punctuation. I called Jerry and clued him in on what transpired. He laughed.

"Mary, I have told you for three years to just walk with it. Now you have heard directly from your Dad. What are you waiting for? Just do it!"

Ahhhh! It was just too much...

I got home and Jerry took one look at my red eyes and runny nose and just opened his arms.

Smart man I married. I just wept. He was silent. Then after about 5 minutes he pulled away and asked the fateful question "When do you want to start posting?"

I laughed. "Monday, I'll do it Monday."

It's not perfect but I saw it through to the end...as my both my father's asked...

Thanks Daddy for speaking through the heart of another Irishman to get your daughter to move...I miss you...I love you...I hope I made you proud...

Epilogue 2 ~ Mama's Got the Last Word...

YES! Courtney has LOTS to say... and LOUDLY!

"We are not some casual and meaningless product of evolution. Each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." Pope Benedict XVI

My daughter has taught me that everyone has a purpose, a vocation that is theirs and theirs alone. She has taught me that love means sacrifice and hope is what gets you through the darkest valley's of life. She has taught me that every day is a gift to be respected and lived fully.

There have been many more miracles surrounding our daughter in the years since her surgery. God has granted our prayers over and over and over again for more time with Courtney. She has made it through pneumonia twice and a lovely round of swine flu that included a few days in isolation as well as dealing with seizures every single day, some of which include her turning blue.

In 2007, our family faced medical bankruptcy and we were terrified that we would lose our home as well as be unable to continue to care for Courtney. It was a very scary time for us. But as you have read in these pages, God does not abandon those who seek his aid and assistance. With the help of dear friends whom we hold very close to our heart, Courtney's Campaign was born and in the span of three weeks enough money was raised that we paid off our debt and set up a medical trust for Courtney that paid ALL of her medical expenses for the next 3 1/2 YEARS!

This is when I started blogging. People wanted to know who Courtney was and how they could help. It was humiliating and humbling in the same breath. But God did not abandon us in our hour of need and to this day has provided for each and every emergency Miss Courtney has experienced since then.

I still struggle mightily with pride and self-importance. My father was so right when he said I would have a difficult time with that my entire life. But then my father was rarely wrong. I still feel him with me every single day. I know he has interceded for Courtney on many occasions. I once saw a quote  that reminded me of my Dad. It speaks to the lessons he taught me in life and in death.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller

I don't know what the future holds for my girl. Heck I don't know what's going to happen in the next 24 hours. I do know that I no longer get angry at God. I wasted way too much time in that when she was younger. I do get frustrated with him though. Especially when he thinks I can do so much more than I think I can.

I know that Courtney will have ups and downs and that it is my job to be there for her through it all. Needless to say this story is not over. I think in some ways...her story is just beginning...and so is mine.

Thank you for honoring us with your time to read these words. I hope you'll stay with us in the coming weeks and months here in this space. I promise to continue to write about Miss Courtney and the lessons life teaches us both.

Blessings and grace my friends...Here's to continuing the great adventure called LIFE!

Copyright 2011 ~ Mary E. Lenaburg

Epilogue 1 ~ The Boys Have Their Say...

Jonathan's Words:

Jonathan and Courtney - Nov. 2011

My sister Courtney and I have, well... a complex relationship. When she was first born, I was so excited to have a little sister I could play with, and be friends with. But then, things began to go wrong. Courtney started to have many, many seizures and I began to understand that Courtney was not a normal little sister.  Mom and Dad spent a lot of time in the hospital and visited all kinds of doctors so I spent a lot of time with family and friends for reasons I didn't always understand at the time.

Now, I have never been upset with my sister, even though I know she will never be the little sister I thought I would have.  In fact, over the years, quite the opposite has happened. I love her so much, it hurts me to think of what she has to go through when she has a seizure, especially when she stops breathing--which is really freakin terrifying. It not her fault that she is the way she is.

Our parents, on the other hand, had a much harder time from me as a child. Because Courtney demanded so much of their time, I always felt ignored. I was rather petulant and, to be honest. A brat, constantly lashing out at my parents in order to get their attention.  It wasn't until I entered counseling a year and a half ago that I started to talk about how I felt and began to understand that what I experienced was a form of "survivor's guilt" because Courtney had seizures and multiple disabilities and I didn't. I have learned that it's okay to feel that way.

After we moved to Virginia for Dad’s assignment in the Navy, I began to be homeschooled. I had never done well in public school; in fact, I punched a kid once for calling Courtney a retard. Being around my mom all the time helped to make up for feeling ignored so much when Courtney was younger. It was a great time in my life, and Courtney was always there, smiling and giggling--especially when I got into trouble.  She still smiles and giggles when I am in trouble - just like a little sister.

When I was 10, my parents and Courtney went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, France. As Catholics, my family knew that this was a place of great healing, and we were so excited at the idea of Courtney being healed of her afflictions. However, God had different plans. I was spending time with a family in our family group, in addition to my grandparents.  When my parents called while I was at Grandpa and Grandma Green's, I was so hyped to hear what happened. But Courtney was still the same. God had chosen not to heal her. I felt so betrayed by this. I was so hopeful, I had prayed so hard, that the news that she remained as she was crushed me.

I nearly gave into despair at this point. But even after all of this sorrow, when I spoke to Grandma and Grandpa, I knew deep down that this was how it was meant to be. God had a purpose for Courtney being as she is, and my desire to have a sister who was “normal” didn’t fit into the plan. I resolved then and there never to give up on Courtney simply because she was to remain broken on the outside. I resolved to be the best big brother I could.

As I got older, I assumed more responsibility for taking care of Courtney; not like Mom and Dad care for her, but as her big brother should. I help with almost everything (except changing diapers- no way, no how!), as well as keeping an eye on her if Mom needs to go to the grocery store (my favorite thing for Mom to do) or if Mom and Dad have a date night.  Courtney loves it when I read books to her, and she always laughs at all the funny voices I make. Of course, she is my little sister, and as a little sister, she has found ways to drive me crazy. Nothing says Courtney like her kicking me as I try to put her shoes on her in her wheel chair or when she sneezes while I am feeding her. I have never stopped caring for Courtney, and even now, her laughter is enough to brighten even my crappiest day.

Courtney has taught me a lot about life. It’s often the simplest things in life that we get the most satisfaction from, like her smile when Courtney hears her big brother’s voice or hearing her giggle as I read Fox in Socks. I also learned that courage can take many forms, from defending the honor of a person that none of your friends really understands, to having the fortitude to take out a REALLY smelly diaper. I also found it amazing that one person can truly unite people who normally have nothing in common (this blog is proof of that). A strong heart and spirit can overcome any fragility; Courtney has beat every dire prediction made about her future and still carries out the vocation God has given her. Finally, I believe that God not only has a sense of humor, but He tells really good jokes. I mean, why else would Courtney laugh in her sleep so much?

My sister’s fate was hard to accept when I was little. But over the years, I have accepted her as God made her. When I see her struggling, I pray for her, and it gives me hope--hope that, when her mission is fulfilled, God calls her home, and she can shed herself of the prison she must stay in on Earth. And when I die, if I am so blessed to be with Our Lord, I hope to see her as God does - perfect, beautiful and free.

Jerry's Word's:

Daddy and his girl - 2011

By now everyone has read this story, which Mary has struggled to complete for nearly 3 years, and I am very proud of her for doing it.  My journey is a little different.   As you may have gathered, I was not from a very large family, and having children was not in my plan when I went off to Annapolis that hot, hot summer of 1983.

As Mary has pointed out, we were not a perfect couple, and we have done many bone-headed things over the years.  Two years ago, when our pastor asked us to be a mentor couple for the marriage preparation program at St Mary of Sorrows, I looked at him and said, "Seriously, Father, isn't there someone more qualified, more holy?"

He smiled back and said, "But you have so much to teach these couples."

Now I really looked at him like he was crazy and replied, "Yup, that's us...the Lenaburgs...God's perfect example of what not to do."

After chuckling, Father just said we would be hearing from someone and sure enough, we soon had our first engaged couple.

Why this little story?  Well, as we were preparing for our first meeting--the one where we layout the discussions with our engaged couple--the guide seemed to talk a lot about money, sex, and God-three things that have certainly been challenging in our life and marriage.

First sex-as Mary has said, whenever life got challenging, she turned to food and shopping for solace, and I turned to sex.  In addition to some dark corners of the internet, I started to use my wife for my needs and not for the closeness and joy the marriage bed should bring to a couple.  Our short-sighted and fearful decision to have her tubes tied at 25 came back to haunt us 10 years later when Mary had to undergo a partial hysterectomy because of a baseball sized tumor that had penetrated her uterine wall and was becoming pre-cancerous (YES, I watch way to many stinkin' doctor shows on TV...crazy huh? Considering how much I hate hospitals).  She didn't tell you that, but considering all her father went through and everything Courtney went through, hearing the word cancer associated with my wife was one of the worst moments of my life.  Although the surgery took care of the tumor, it introduced more emotional distress in our marriage which required a lot of time and prayer to overcome.  After much prayer, angst, tears, and sorrow we had a major healing in our intimate life when we attended Christopher West's seminar on Theology of the Body in 2009 as part of our formation as marriage mentors....Clearly our Pastor was not so innocent and naive as his cherubic face lead us to believe.  If you ever have a chance to go...do so, it will truly change how you think about sex and marriage in the Church.

Second, money.  Well, that has also been a tough subject for us.  Mary still busts my chops for that famous response when I was told we were having our first child, but 22 years later, I stand by what I said.  Our son is still working through his issues and deciding what he wants to do with his life.  Dad just wants him to keep a job and pay for school and gas for his truck, and his cell phone bill, and his car insurance…..

We have certainly been blessed by God and our guardian Angels, and have always been able to give Courtney the care she needs.  In addition, we have been blessed with extraordinarily generous friends and family that have supported us in times of hardship.  This was never more true than in 2007 when we conducted Courtney’s Campaign to help us stay in our home and catch up with our numerous medical bills and expenses we accumulated over the years.

FINALLY God, not because God is last in importance, but because too often God came last in our lives, or more particularly, in my life.  Unlike Mary, I was never particularly angry at God, but I sure didn't understand why our daughter was suffering.  I was raised a staunch Lutheran, and although I went to Mass with Mary through our entire relationship, I never really thought much about God until about 1998 when we got out of the Navy and settled here in Fairfax.  To be honest, I was gone so much, especially those busy years of 1996-1998 that I was too focused on work and getting stuff done--I was not contemplating my spiritual life.

SO, after settling in to our first little rental town home, I decided that it was time to complete my journey to the Catholic Faith.  I was drawn by the traditions and steadfastness of the Faith and the new friends we had made that really seemed to be trying to live a Christian life.  I had lots of questions during RCIA, but made the journey and came into the Church at Easter 1999.

Lourdes of course changed everything...WOW, I have never been surrounded by so much Catholicism in my life.  And of course after daily Mass, the Rosary, and the nightly Procession…..everyone hits the pubs for a pint!!  This is one of the reasons I tell my friends I became Catholic and not Baptist...they party better!

Seriously, that trip really changed our lives and we slowly began to accept our vocation as parents to care for our daughter as best we could.  More importantly, we finally understood that November day in 2004 that Courtney had a specific purpose too...her life was not an accident, she did not need to be fixed, and that she fit into the Kingdom of Heaven no more or less than we did.  NOW, this was not an immediate thing by any means, and there are still many, many days that I ask, "Gee God, isn't this enough for her?  Can you just end her suffering?  Call her home."  Yup, I have days like that...not as many these days because I am slowly accepting (argh, that word) that God will call her when she is done with her mission.

NOW, back to our story.  We told that first couple all of the ugliness and issues in our life and amazingly they did not run screaming out of the room.  Truth be told, they were afraid we were going to lecture them about their lives.  That was actually pretty amusing to contemplate, but no, we said, we are in no position to lecture, only give you the truth of our lives and how we moved through our version of the challenges all married couples will face.

SO, what are these truths we have learned?

First and most important, God redeems all things.  No matter what you have done, what sin you have committed, God offers forgiveness and compassion if only you are ready to accept it.

Second, God don’t make no junk.  Trite and grammatically horrible, I know, but true nonetheless.  It is amazing and somewhat humbling for Mary and I to contemplate that Courtney has probably brought more people closer to Christ and down to their knees in prayer than either Mary or I ever will.  She inspires people to pray for her and ask for her prayers as well.

Finally, life is worth living, as the great Fulton Sheen used to say.  Now, I am definitely not the most chipper, happy joy, joy person in the world, as many of you know…and I am famous for getting upset about life’s little challenges (just ask Mary) , but I can say without a doubt that my daughter has shown me the need to try and live every day to the fullest.  Something I also picked up from Mary’s Dad, along with more than a few “There I was” sea stories and some outstanding cigar recommendations.

So this has been our story, warts and all.  It is still being written as we experience the highs and lows of Courtney’s journey and try to keep up with everything life has to throw at us…like those phone calls from Jonathan that start..”Uh, Dad, please don’t be upset…”

***Epilogue #2...Click here...thank you***

Copyright 2011 ~ Mary E. Lenaburg

Chapter 22 ~ The Sound of My Daughters "Yes"...

Over the course if the next several weeks, I will be publishing my story, as wife, mother, sister and daughter. This is the evolution of how a little girl can change the course of her mother's story, can change the course of her heart. If your new to this blog, please begin here. 

2004 -
Peaceful and happy - how she's spends most evenings...snuggling with Daddy

Chapter 22 ~ The Sound of My Daughter's "Yes"


November 1, 2004
Courtney was escorted through the double doors and I felt my heart break. I was barely hanging on when Jerry slipped his hand in mine and quietly reassured me that she would be fine. I had spent the last hours going over everything that could go wrong. I hated letting her go. It was the scariest damn feeling in the world, not knowing how she would be when she returned.

Would this really help her? We would have to wait and see.

"This is the hardest part Mar. Watching her go. They have done this surgery thousands of times. She will be fine. It's two cuts and she will be fine. The surgeon is the best. God is with her. Your Dad is with her. It will be OK."

"OK." I nodded and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Coffee. I need coffee."

He smiled, "That is something I can fix. How long did the nurse say it would take?"

"Total? Two hours I think. We can have coffee in the waiting room. We can watch the OR board to see where she is in the process. That way we'll know when she is out of surgery and in recovery. Once she begins to wake up we can see her. If she does really well and doesn't seize, we might be able to take her home tonight. We'll see." I answered.

We found coffee and headed back to the OR waiting room. I tried to settle in for the wait. I was restless and worried about Courtney. This time felt different for some reason. I grabbed my note pad and Bible out of my bag. I needed to calm myself down and pray for my girl. I opened the book to Psalm 107, took a deep breath and read. I closed my eyes asking my Dad to be with Courtney, to not let her feel afraid. Suddenly I felt someone squeeze my shoulder just like Dad used to do.

I opened my eyes and looked at Jerry.

"What?" he asked.

I looked around the room. We were the only ones sitting on our side of the waiting room. I shook my head and smiled. "Nothing" I said.

Daddy...you're here...I really miss you...Why do I feel so unsettled Dad? Help me please...help me figure it out...


I read the Psalm again and then I got out my notebook and reread some of my notes from the past weekends retreat. I came across the notes from Fr. Joe's last talk about redemptive suffering and healing. He had told us that the church teaches three things.

First, there are times of miraculous healing, meaning that a person is ill, they pray for God's intercession and they are healed of their ailment. This would usually leave the medical establishment confused and unable to explain why or how this happened. We had prayed for this at Lourdes and it was not God's will for Courtney.

Second, there would be healing after a time of suffering. For example, someone is diagnosed with cancer, they undergo chemo (most definitely a time of suffering) and after a time there would be healing. I had friends who were sick and prayed their way through, offering up physical suffering for those that need prayer support including Courtney.

Third, there is an acceptance of the suffering knowing that there will be no healing here on earth but only when we see the face of God. 


I read that line again...then again...then again. My heart started to beat faster.


"Holy Crap" I said.

"What?" Jerry asked lifting his head form his spy thriller. "Is she in the OR? Has the board changed?" he was straining his neck to see where she was on the board. Her status had not changed yet. It was still early.

The he looked at me. I had tears in my eyes. "What is it Mary? Your crying. Honey, I told you it will be OK. I promise." He took my hand.

"No, you don't understand. Read this...just read this."

He did. He looked up and shook his head. "OK. What am I missing?"

"What are we missing? I am amazed at God's patience with fools like us."

"OK...explain please."

"Remember when we were in Lourdes and Courtney went into the water, then we followed."

"Yep."

"Remember the word that was given to both of us at the same time."

"Acceptance."

"Jer, who went into the water first?"

"Courtney."

"Read it again." I said pointing to the notepad.

As he did I watched his eyes get bigger. "Shit. This can't be--Mary."

I smiled and shook my head..."Yes, it can be Jerry. It was the only time we were completely open to God's voice. We had prayed for a miracle, we had other praying with us, storming those gates on her behalf. It was our daughter's voice we heard. She can't speak in a language the world understands Jer. She needed help telling us. God let us hear her voice. She knows Jer. She knows and accepts that there won't be any healing here. She wants us to know that as well. How fitting that it's today, while she's in surgery. She knows it the last thing available to  help her here on earth. How else can you explain everything that has happened? Her peaceful nature, the absolute joy she exudes to everyone around her, the way she draws people to her, the way her witness of peace and acceptance of circumstance brings people to their knees in prayerful support. She said "Yes" to God Jerry. Somewhere along the way she said "yes" and she needed us to know that it's OK. She has accepted her cross. Remember when the Knight of Malta told us that miracles start in Lourdes and it may take time for us to fully understand what has happened? Four years babe. Four!"

Hi mouth was opening and closing like a fish. "I...I...I don't know what to say. I thought it was about us accepting her, but you're right. We had always accepted her. We have accepted everything that has happened since. It was all about us accepting the fact that she knows what her job is. To bring people closer to God. To show them HIS face. That's why your Dad kept telling us to wait for the answer. It wasn't all explained yet. He knew."

"Of course he did. He had done the same thing. He said "yes" to God knowing that one day his healing would only come from Our Lord. I bet you that's what he whispered to her that last day when he said goodbye. Holy cow...no one is going to believe us. No one. This is just crazy, but I know in my soul that is what acceptance means...what it really means."

"That doesn't matter Mary. We believe it. We heard it. We have prayed about it. We will be her arms and legs, her voice when she needs to be heard. She will show us the way God needs her to go. You were right. Everything changed today. We have a job to do and so does she."

We spent the next 90 minutes in prayer. We said the Rosary, read scripture together and prayed for clarification. We had heard the sound of our daughter's "yes" to God. She had accepted her cross and she needed us to walk with her, to help her tell the story of God's mercy and love.

Finally, the Neurosurgeon emerged and greeted us with a big smile. We stood up and shook his hand.

"She did really well. No seizures. Everything went beautifully. She is a strong young lady. The nurse will come and get you when it's time to go back. I don't anticipate any problems in recovery. You should be able to take her home tonight."

We thanked him profusely...actually I hugged him. The day was getting better and better.

When we were finally allowed back in recovery, I dropped down the side of Courtney's bed and climbed in next to her. She was blinking and turning her head still groggy from the anesthesia.

"Hey sweet girl," I said softly. "It's Mama. Daddy's here too. The Doctor said you were a rock star baby girl. Guess what happened while you were asleep? We figured it out Courtney. It only took four years but we did it. You said "yes" to God didn't you? In Lourdes when daddy and I heard acceptance while we were in the water, that was you letting us know you were OK. I love you so much. Daddy loves you so much. As long as you fight, we will fight with you. You lead the way Courtney. Jonathan, Daddy and I will follow. You tell us when it's time to see Jesus, OK?"

She turned her head, opened her eyes fully and looked right at me with a smile the size of Texas.

"Mmmmaaaaaaa"

Tears streamed down my face. 'Yes, baby. Ma's here. I will always be here. I love you."

~~~THE END~~~

*** Epilogue #1...click here...thank you***


Copyright 2011 ~ Mary E. Lenaburg

Chapter 21 ~ Making Way Through the Storm...

Over the course if the next several weeks, I will be publishing my story, as wife, mother, sister and daughter. This is the evolution of how a little girl can change the course of her mother's story, can change the course of her heart. If your new to this blog, please begin here. 


Chapter 21 ~ Making Way Through the Storm

I didn't leave my mother's side for 24 hours. I slept next to her, I cooked for her, I did my best to support her through some of the most difficult hours of her life--the first time she walked back into the house--the first time she saw his things, smelled his shirts, wrapped his robe around her--when she picked out his final suit and tie. We wept together, laughed together and talked for hours about Daddy and all their adventures together.

The next morning, the family gathered to begin planning his funeral. The boys would be his Pall Bearers. His six sons would walk him in and out of the church for the last time. Marianne and I would speak as would Jerry and Chris. I had no idea what I would say. Mom handed me his Bible and told me I would know it when I found it.

I took it home with me that night and spent hours reading it. He had marked it and written in it. I found his prayer list and smiled when I saw my daughter's name at the top of the list with a heart by it. I kept reading and praying to Dad to help me find what he needed me to say. I was reading Psalms and noticed he had one in particular marked. He had written in the side margin "I have seen this. I have lived through this 1965"

My father served in the Vietnam War from 1964-66 with the US Navy. He saw many horrors there and it formed his faith. I had seen my own storms. I had reeled back in anger like a drunken man. The Lord had brought me out of my distress and guide me to my desired haven in Lourdes. My Dad was still teaching me, even though he was gone. I would read it as his funeral.

Psalm 107: 23-32

"Those who go down to the sea in ships, 
Who do business on great waters; 
They have seen the works of the LORD, 
And His wonders in the deep. 
For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind, 
Which lifted up the waves [p]of the sea. 
They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths; 
Their soul melted away in their misery. 
They reeled and staggered like a drunken man, 
And were at their wits’ end. 
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, 
And He brought them out of their distresses. 
 He caused the storm to be still, 
So that the waves of the sea were hushed. 
Then they were glad because they were quiet, 
So He guided them to their desired haven. 
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, 
And for His wonders to the sons of men! 
 Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people, 
And praise Him at the seat of the elders."


My mother was very concerned how my father would look for his viewing.  During his last hospital stay he had fallen and had a tremendous bruise on the side of his face.  She decided on a closed casket. When we arrived at the funeral home, the director asked if she would like to see my father before the casket was closed. She agreed. When she saw my father resting in his casket, she said, "Wow he looks great, let's keep the top up!" Yup, that's my mother...

My father's wake was a typical Irish wake--packed, with friends and family coming from far and wide. Stories were told, toasts were made, and many tears were shed. I remember Mr Bogan, my fathers dear friend. They had been in law school together and our families had remained close over the years. He was tough and strong like my dad. He did not show emotion. As he stood next to my father's casket he openly weeped. I put my arm around him and just stood quietly. "He was my best friend. He was one of the finest men I have ever known. You could always count on Joe. He would be there for you whenever you needed him. His word was his bond. They don't make them like him anymore."

The funeral Mass was on Memorial Day, fitting for a war veteran. The church was packed and the music swelled as our voices joined in some of my father's favorite hymns. My father's flag draped coffin took up most of the aisle in the little country church. The piano that was being played was my Grandfather Green's. My parents had donated it to the church when Daddy got sick. It was a welcome and familiar sound.

The words my brother shared were touching. My sister and I made it through our little piece of the puzzle. My father's best friend from his childhood also spoke. Finally it was Jerry's turn. He spoke of my father's dire predictions for his life should he cross the line with his daughter and had everyone laughing. He told of his courageous battles in Vietnam and with cancer. He told of his love and respect for this man who had taught him so much. He finished with "Relieve the watch. Job well done, good and faithful servant." Then he lost it. He walked by the casket and bent to kiss it. He came to sit with me and bowed his head tears spilling onto the floor.

I just held his hand and stared at the crucifix. Daddy was home now. At peace and no longer in pain. He had carried his cross with dignity and grace. I would learn to accept this new world without him. It would take time but I knew I would get there. Acceptance was easier with my father's example.

The weeks and months that followed that day were filled with reminders that dad was still with us. Courtney's seizures went away once again. There was no explanation, they just stopped. I said a prayer of thanks to my Dad for helping out his granddaughter. I would happily accept any help the saints and angels wished to give me and my girl.

Time marched forward and Courtney continued to gain strength. In 2002 her seizures overwhelmed her. She missed several days a week at school because due to their frequency. Finally we decided to keep her home. Suffering through  five and six seizures a day lasting four to twenty-two minutes, sometimes she would stop breathing and other times she worked her way through them without difficulty. Her school was located over 45 minutes away form our home and the back and forth was exhausting both of us. Home was the safest place for her.

As I continued to research different medications and treatments for seizures, I worked very hard not to fall into the "fix it" trap that had taken so much time and emotional energy. I kept Our Lady close to me  to remind me that I was to "accept". Over time, as I prayed for guidance, I began to have that feeling again like I did in Lourdes. There was something more than just acceptance. My father had been right. I needed to keep praying and keep my heart and mind open so I could hear Him when he told me what I was missing.

There were new drugs released to the market all the time. We had tried everything the medical community had to offer when Courtney's seizures returned in the winter. Her neurology team was so wonderful. I discussed everything I found with Dr. Young and his assistants. Nothing was helping and her drug load was getting heavier. Finally I asked permission to seek alternative treatments. I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least try. He gave us his blessing. I did not pursue these things with disregard to impact they would have on my daughter. I prayed over each choice accepting the answers as they came.

We had attended a conference for parents/caregivers of brain injured children in Philadelphia at the Institutes for the Achievement of Human Potential.  The seizures were relentless and Jerry and I felt we should seek every treatment option available whether it came from traditional circles or not. Our goal was to make her life as pain free and easy as possible. After returning home and seeking out other families who had successfully tried this method, we began the new therapy protocol for Courtney that included patterning and visual therapy. We consulted with a private physical therapist as well as being in constant contact with Courtney's Neuro team.

During the patterning sessions many new acquaintances came into our home, met and worked closely with our daughter. Over the course of the next two years, two times a day, teams of four people would spend an hour working with Courtney trying to re-order her brain to allow her to move forward in development. We had seen some progress with her, especially with her vocalizing and attending when someone was speaking to her. She would follow bright lights, especially Christmas lights. Those were her favorites. Unfortunately the seizures continued.

In July of 2004, during a routine orthopedic exam Courtney was diagnosed with a 19 degree lower lumbar scoliosis. Her spine looked like an upside down question mark. We were advised to stop the patterning and seek a specialized physical therapy. It was another blow but one I hope we handled with grace. The patterning teams had been such a blessing to us and our daughter over these past two years. It would be strange to be without them. They had prayed for her and held her. They had become a part of our family and it was sad to say goodbye.

We threw a HUGE thank you/birthday picnic for all our helpers for Courtney's 11th birthday in August of 2004. It was time to move forward. Jerry and I both felt God's presence in every choice we had to make in regards to either of our children. We had continued to homeschool Jonathan and made it through middle school still on speaking terms, an absolute miracle in my humble opinion. We kept our minds open in regards to new medical interventions with Courtney. Our patience paid off in October of 2004.

During a routine check-up, Courtney's neurologist, Dr. Young presented us with new medical option to try and stem Courtney's seizures. It was called a VNS device (Vagus Nerve Stimulator) and would be surgically implanted in her chest with a wire connecting to the vagus nerve at the base of the neck. It would send an electrical impulses to the brain to try and tamper the constant electrical eruptions which caused the seizures that were robbing my girl of her best life.

After a few weeks of prayer, further research, more tests and meeting with the neurosurgeon that would be performing the procedure, we decided to go forward. The surgery date was set. November 1, 2004, All Saints Day. I would need all the saints with me to make it through this. I had started to read accounts of people who had had the procedure and the device didn't work for them. For some it had caused permanent nerve damage, and others ticks and speech issues. I was beginning to doubt our decision.

The night before the surgery, we attended the closing Mass for a Cursillo Retreat weekend that I had been on team. It had been a powerful three days filled with prayer and rest and I needed  both desperately. At the end of the Mass, Fr. Joe, our retreat spiritual advisor, asked me to bring Courtney forward. He knew she was having surgery in the morning. I was taken aback but did as he requested. Father G. our pastor came down and gave Courtney the Anointing of the Sick. As he finished the sacrament, from the pulpit Fr. Joe asked everyone to raise their hands toward Courtney and join him in prayer--500 people raised their voices to heaven once more for my girl. They prayed for protection during the procedure as well as end to her seizures.

We were as ready as we could be. Tomorrow everything would change.

***If you wish to read more...click here...thank you***

Copyright 2011 ~ Mary E. Lenaburg

Chapter 20 ~ 5/24/2001 ~ Saying Goodbye...

Over the course if the next several weeks, I will be publishing my story, as wife, mother, sister and daughter. This is the evolution of how a little girl can change the course of her mother's story, can change the course of her heart. If your new to this blog, please begin here. 

Chapter 20 ~ 5/24/2001 - Saying Goodbye

My father entered the hospital for the last time two weeks after our little chat on the back porch. His last day home he gathered everyone in the family that lived close by, to spend the day with him and my Mom. He would be checking into the hospital the next morning for one last chemo. One more chance to beat back the beast of cancer that was stealing his life. My Uncle Kevin was in town as well. He was my Dad's younger brother and they had shared a special bond growing up.

A group from my parent's church came to pray over my Dad, to help prepare him for the fight ahead. We knew things would be tough but you never underestimated my Daddy. NEVER! After the team prayed, they asked each of us to say our own prayer. My youngest brother Andrew is someone who keeps his emotions very close to the vest. He is like my mother that way. When it came time for him to pray he broke down. I had not seen him cry since he was in grade school.

My father came over to him and took him in his arms. He said "Every lesson I had to teach you is already here." and pointed to his heart. "You trust God with the rest. Be the man God has called you to be. Make me proud Andy. I love you son."

I couldn't speak. I had had my time with daddy and spoke from my heart. He was the first man I ever loved and I prayed with all my might that he would make it through.

I watched my parents that day. My mother's gaze never left my father. She was always by his side or close by. My Uncle Kevin spent some one on one time with him and I am sure it was profound for each of them. I asked my younger brother Tim what we would do if he didn't make it. He was the center of our family, it's sun, burning bright--sustaining life. He assured me that we would be OK.

"Mary, we are all pieces of a puzzle. When you put us all together we reflect the love of Mom and Dad. Everything we need from him we have received. Now we need to tuck it away and never forget."

I had spent many years preparing for my daughter's death before fully entering into living life with her as fully as we could. I was NOT prepared to lose my Dad. There was NEVER a fight he didn't win.

I watched my father say goodbye to Courtney and Jonathan. He knelt down in front of Jonathan and gave him the biggest bear hug. He told him to behave and work hard. He told him he loved him. Jonathan held onto his neck like he was a life preserver in the midst of the ocean.

I had a hard time watching him with Courtney. He whispered something into her ear and she smiled  for him. He kissed her curly head and then he gave her a blessing. He traced the sign of the cross on her forehead. "You are a fighter," he said. "Never give up my girl. Be strong and trust."

He hugged me and told me how much he loved me. He hugged Jerry and told him how proud he was of him. He had overcome so much. He told him to trust his heart and God would lead him always.

I told my mother I would visit in the hospital. She smiled and hugged me.

On the way home that evening, I realized that my Dad was saying goodbye the only way he knew how. He never left anything to chance since his diagnosis. He was far more free with his feeling and encouragements. He was telling us to trust God and His plan. To be the people God had called each of us to be. He had nothing left to teach us...or so he thought.

The next two weeks brought many ups and downs for all of us. My father had responded well at the beginning of the treatment. Courtney was fighting seizures everyday. I swear the two were linked, suffering for suffering.

On Wednesday, May 23, I visited my father in the hospital. He looked tired and really bad. We had to wear face masks in order to protect his non existent immune system. He asked how everyone was doing. How Courtney was? How was she handling the seizures? I assured him we would be OK. He was getting tired so I knew it would be a short visit.

While I was in the room I received several messages from Jerry on my cell phone. I was annoyed that the evening plans had changed and I would need to adjust. My father watched me handle the situation with less grace than a hippopotamus. He laughed.

"What?" I said, almost grumbling.

"You're screwed."

"Excuse me?"

"Your screwed. You have your mother's need to control and my extremely short and volatile temper. You have your work cut out for you sweetheart. I am so sorry. You got the worst of both of us."

"Wow. Thanks Dad. That's just great." I laughed, knowing he was speaking the truth.

"I gotta go. I love you."

"I love you too. Hug my girl for me and tell it will be OK very soon. She just needs to hold on."

"OK Dad. I will. Sleep well tonight."

I left. They would be the last words my father would ever say to me.

The next day was Ascension Thursday, May 24. It was also my Grandmother Green's birthday, my father's mother. She had died many years prior but my Dad always did something special in her memory on this day. He woke up and seemed a little groggy to my mother. He couldn't move his right arm.

He was frustrated. "Bunny, if I can't move this arm, they will never let me out of here."

My mom just tried to keep him calm, not realizing what was happening. My brother Joe is an EMT and he happened to call about 10 minutes later. My mother told him what was happening and he heard the concern in her voice. He also knew what was happening.

"Mom, go get the nurse and have them take him down for an MRI. I think he's having a brain bleed. They need to check this right now so they can try to stop it. Go now Mom. I am on the way."

My mother followed his instructions. She never left my father's side.

My brother Joe called my elder brother Chris and told him to get to the hospital right away. Dad was in trouble. Make the calls to the family and GO.

By the time my Dad made it back to his room he couldn't speak. His eyes found my mothers and she never looked away until he closed them for the last time. She assured him of her love. That he was strong and courageous. She was honored to be his wife.

By the time I got to the hospital he was already in the ICU.  I ran through that hospital. As I went through the double doors to the ICU hallway, Chris was standing there. I almost ran into him.

"Mary. Stop. Calm down. We need to talk first." he grabbed my arm.

"What happened? I don't understand. he was doing OK when I saw him yesterday. I don't understand."

"They found a significant brain bleed Mary. Probably caused by the intense chemo. They couldn't stop it. Mary. Do you understand? He will not survive this. It is a matter of hours until he's gone."

I yelled "Shit" and I kicked the wall. "Have you called everyone? I left a message for Marianne. Does she know? Is she on her way? Oh God, what about David and Rich. Will they get here in time from California? What if they don't get here Christopher? What then?"

"OK, you need to calm down right now. You can't go in there like this. Mom does not need it. The priest has already been here to give him last rites. Tim and Alex, Joe and Pam and Andy are on their way. Shelly will be here as soon as she can. Where's Jerry?"

"He's getting Jonathan and Courtney settled at a friend of ours house. He will be here as soon as he can. How much time?"

"He could die at any moment Mary. Go see him. Tell him it's OK to go. He needs to know that."

I hugged him and went through the doors.

My mother was sitting next to the bed, holding her rosary in one hand and my Dad's hand in the other. I quickly kissed her on the head and then went immediately to my fathers bedside. I looked up at the monitors to see what was happening. For once I thanked God for all the hospital time I had with Courtney. I knew that monitor and what every line meant. His heart was strong, his oxygen levels were good, and his brain waves were in the middle.

Crap...time is short...

I knew from all my research on the brain that the last sense a person loses is their hearing. I knew what I needed to do and quickly.

"Daddy, it's me Mary Beth." I said right next to his ear.

"I love you Daddy. I love you so much. I am so proud to be your daughter. Mom is here Dad. She's holding your hand. It's OK Daddy, I'll take care of her. We all will. You did what you promised you'd do. It's OK to go to God, Daddy. I love you so much."

I was crying now but I went on.

"We're all here Daddy. Chris loves you Dad, Shelly, Ryan, Erin and Kiley they love you so much Daddy. Jonathan loves you, Jerry loves you and so does your Courtney Dad."

A single tear slipped down his face. He heard me. I knew he heard me. I went on.

"Daddy, your not alone. We're here. Joey loves you Daddy. Pam, Samantha and Jessica, Alex and Timmy, Matthew...they love you so much. David and Ruby, Andy and Nancy, Rich and Jen...they all love you."

Another tear slipped down.

"We will be here Dad. You will not be alone...EVER!" I placed my head on his shoulder and stayed there as long as my back held out.

My brothers began to arrive with their wives. My mother never took her eyes from my father. It was as if no one else was in the room. Just the two of them. Each member of the family took turns at his bedside. The rest of us would hang back and join my mother in a different litany of prayer.

Finally about three hours later...the line that monitored his brain waves began to fluctuate. I met my brother Joey's eyes across the room and he nodded his head. The nurse came in and said they would move him back to a larger room upstairs so the family would be more comfortable. It would be a little more time before his body stopped functioning. My mother agreed and held my father's hand as they went into the elevator.

We arrived on the cancer floor and all the nurses who had cared for my Dad over the last nine years came and gave him a kiss and said their goodbyes. My father had impacted so many lives. Jerry arrived and I didn't leave his side. My father's physician arrived and asked to speak with all the children.

He told us that dad would be gone in a very short period of time and walked us through what dying looked like so we wouldn't be surprised. He had tears rolling down his face as he told us how much my dad meant to him. "He never quit. He always had a joke ready. He fought every single day and found joy in everything. I am better for knowing him." He hugged each of us and then went to see my Mom.

The next hour brought more prayers, more phone calls from extended family and friends. My father was surrounded by love until his final breath. It happened in the blink of an eye. I remember my mother sitting forward and looking intently at him. It got quiet in the room and we all watched. She bent over and kissed him on the lips and then on the head. She began to weep quietly. "I love you Joe Green."

She kissed him again then knelt on the ground. "We will pray him into heaven," and began to pray the Rosary aloud. We all knelt and joined in just like we did as kids. They had been married for 36 years and their love had been tested by fire many times. They had proved worthy of the task and raised eight children to know and love God. My Dad would be holding their ninth child, who waited in heaven to meet her Papa.

This was a hard loss. One more thing to accept. Daddy was gone and it was time to say goodbye.

My heart would never be the same.

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Copyright 2011 ~ Mary E. Lenaburg