a letter to god...

"You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."
2 Corinthians: 2-3

Dear God, 

The house is quiet. I can hear Courtney breathing softly in the next room, peacefully sleeping without a care in the world. Her stuffed puppy is wrapped in her arms and she is curled up in her favorite position. He face is so beautiful, angelic in it's calm. 

Thank you Lord. Thank you for choosing to allow here to stay here with us. It was close this time. Really, really close. I don't like to think about it really. It makes my heart start to pound really hard and my hands shake. The thought of one day without this child...well I just cannot imagine it. 

Thank you for the gift of seizure control for Miss Courtney, however long it lasts. It amazes me to watch her interact with the world as only she can when the seizures are not present. This last week has been such an incredible gift to us as a family. She has smiled and laughed every single day. She is vocal with her needs and can at times be quite demanding. 

It's one of the things I love about my daughter most. You made her strong and stubborn so she would fight to stay here. Oh how this girl fights. It's genetic really. Her Grandpa Green taught her well that life is worth fighting for. But you know that already don't you. I miss Dad so much these days. I feel his presence strongest at night when the quiet washes over me and I have a moment to take in the day. He would tell me to breathe it all in. Every detail and then to let it all go, one worry at a time. "God's got this Mary Beth. She is His. You are His. Just breathe and find something to laugh about."He said it all the time. Maybe because he knew how precious time is. 

He taught me to live each moment with everything I had. "God does not ask us to be successful, just faithful." I gotta admit Lord...at times that's the hardest part of this journey with Courtney. To remain faithful, filled with hope, not despair. When you sent us down that path during Holy Week, I really thought the time had come. I did. All the signs were there. But once again you pulled her back from the brink and she is asleep in the next room with a smile on her face. 

You confuse me God. You really do. I think that I know how it's all going to turn out and the whammo, you change the channel and I am in Holland and not Italy. It's getting harder to keep score anymore how many times you have granted this child a miracle. I'm not complaining...really I'm not. I am so grateful that you chose this path for now. 

So we will rest in this new found peace. Courtney will continue to teach those who know of her what love looks like. What mercy looks like. That mercy which is love meeting suffering. Oh how merciful you are Lord. To me and to my girl, to her warrior big brother and to the man who carries us all, Jerry. 

He needs you more these days Lord. The bills pile up and the stress stays steady. He needs to see you face and feel your comfort. This one was hardest on him and Jonathan I think. 

They are both men of few words and DEEP love for this girl. Me? I know the dance steps by now. I may make a fool of myself on the dance floor but I just keep going, holding steady waiting for my special song to play to find my rhythm and if it doesn't play than I make up the steps as I go along. It's the Mama way. 

My guys though, they look like drunk elephants out there, fumbling and tripping without the steps laid out before them. 

They are both fixers you see. Something is broken...they fix it, or try their darndest. You can't "fix" Courtney. She is perfect, made special in your image and likeness for the job you need her to do. They struggle with that from time to time, so would you breathe a little peace into their hearts. I sure would appreciate it. 

It's so hard to have to sit on your hands and wait for your plan to be revealed. 

As for me, I cry at the drop of a hat or the sound of her laugh. It doesn't take much these days. She just make me so very happy. Those curls, that deep laugh, her little toes, and ocean blue eyes that pierce my very soul. I promise to take care of her every day of my life until you decide differently. 

I will love her as you have loved me. 

It's an honor to do so. I am her Mama. She has written a love letter on my heart as has her brother. There is nothing I will not sacrifice or do for these children. Thank you for the gift of Courtney's  life, no matter what the day to day insanity looks like, or how tired or scared I get that I can't do what you asking of me. 

I know that it's easy peasy compared to the hardest parts which will eventually come. In your time. I know the days will not always be peaceful or easy, but you and your beautiful Mother will be there to guide me and love my girl. Of that I have no doubt. 

And when that time comes, the letting go time, I know I will feel you right next to me and there will be unspeakable JOY! I know I can never be truly ready but I have peace that You will carry her straight to you when her job is done. 

I pray that's not for a VERY long time. 

 So thank you from the bottom of my heart for the honor of being her mother and giving witness each day that miracles really do happen and saints walk (or roll) among us.