some days you have to dig deep...

It has been an emotionally difficult and physically exhausting day.

Miss Courtney is fighting a nasty summer cold that has turned into an upper respiratory thing that has left her blowing bubbles from her nose, coughing and hacking constantly trying to clear her upper chest.

She has had four seizures so far today, one so severe that she actually threw up in the middle of it, requiring me to suction her to prevent choking and aspirating the fluids to her lungs.

Aspirating is bad...leads to pneumonia.

We are NOT doing pneumonia thank you very much!

I had to cancel two appointments because I didn't feel right leaving her, even if it was with her very capable older brother.

I am sitting here next to her listening to that throaty, raspy breathing filled with sickness, letting me know it will be a long night punctuated by helping her change position to relive the coughing as well as lot's of fluid given by G-tube.

Thank you Jesus for her G-tube!

There will be hours spent watching her breathe in and out, while my hand passes over the holy beads that will help keep me focused on fighting the fear and discouragement that seeps in when the sun goes down.

This is what it means to be a mother I suppose. The watching. The waiting. The praying. The hoping. The begging. The pleading to God to let this pass quickly and not turn into something worse.

The seizures will rock her body being fueled by the fever that has yet to break. All I want to do is scoop her up and rock her for hours at a time.

But this weekend my baby girl will turn twenty years old. She is 5'6" and 103 pounds. Her legs are almost as long as mine. You really can't scoop her up anymore.

So instead I will lay down next to her for short periods of time and rub her back and legs, singing all the songs I have sung for twenty years.

On Saturday my sweet beautiful girl will turn twenty!

Insane! I know.

I pray we will be home to celebrate. I desperately want to be home and not in the hospital.

Some days I need to dig deep to find the joy. Some days it's really, really hard.

I know there is much to be grateful for. Where we are and how far we have come.  But there are days like today that I have to force myself into that special corner in my head and heart to keep the darkness form crowding out all the JOY this child brings to my world.

Worry and Doubt are powerful things and their sister FEAR is even more all consuming.

 I will NOT give into them.

Not today, not tonight, not tomorrow morning when I will require an infusion of caffeine of gargantuan proportions.

I will nurse my girl. I will sing to her and rub her back. I will stay by her side as she fights her way though however many seizures God allows. I will love her and pray that this illness passes quickly and does not mean a trip to the hospital.

We have been here before and I know we will be here again.

I am exhausted, but so is she.

She fights her way through and so will her Mama. There is no such thing a "just a little cold" in our home.

But that's OK. God has plan and He will not leave either one of us as we lean on Him once more thorough whatever comes.

Twenty years we have walked this path and I pray that God grants us many more.

Digging deep on this day...I am grateful for: 
*this beautiful soul that changed me as a woman and as a mother. I am so very grateful that God chose matter what has happened or will happen...I love her just as she is.

* the gift of her perfect soul and broken body. She is my heart.

* for a fully charged iPod that contains the songs that I have serenaded Courtney with for twenty years. It helps in the middle of the night when I can't remember the words.

* for the humidifier that will hum and pour forth healing steam to help my girl breathe.

* for the homeopathic meds that help her but don't interfere with her seizure meds giving her some relief.

* that today is day five for me on antibiotics for strep throat. I am no longer contagious which means I can kiss her and hug her all I want.

* for the suction machine that remove all the fluid that can cause more trouble for my girl.

* for freshly made raspberry iced tea that will fuel me for a time.

* for beautiful words in many books that will keep me company on this vigil.

* for my husband who takes over the laundry folding and dish scrubbing while his girl is being cradled in her Mama's arms.

* for a good blood test result on Miss Courtney's ammonia levels leading to a new plan to keep things "moving". There are enough complications to deal with today.

* for all of you who continue to pray for my girl, through ups and downs, right turns, left turns, you name it. You are always there and I am ever do grateful.

* for the smile I know I will see time...