This morning I went for a walk as the sun was coming up. It's the first time I have been out of my home since Friday. As I took my first deep breath, my mind exploded with all kinds of thoughts, most of them not so positive.
I have been struggling of late with staying in a positive mental space. All I could hear in my head for the first five minutes were those negative little minions yelling at me for being so out of shape.
"Breathing heavy already...ha...your such a fatty, fat, fatty"
"Oh yeah, like one little walk is going to fix everything. I don't think so."
"You seriously think you can jog. Your bowl full of jelly is rockin' sister. HA! HA! HA!"
It has been way too long since I took some time for myself and I have the weight gain to show for it. I have been struggling with trying to find the time to work out, time to be quiet, time to write, time to just sit and enjoy the sunshine while sipping a cool glass of sweet tea.
It has been a rough summer and I will admit that I am happy to see this season quietly slip away. I have been through some very dark moments with Miss Courtney which take their toll on me emotionally and spiritually. I have not handled all of those situations well at all.
I have questioned God time and time again as we have tried to carve out this new path with Miss Courtney. I have eaten my weight in ice cream as I have failed to emotionally deal with all the changes in my world. My body has taken the hit for that.
After being diagnosed with a wicked sinus infection on top of a virulent strain of Strep Throat last week, I finally acknowledged to myself that something needed to change. I could not keep going down this road trying to eat/cry/yell/scream/doubt/beat myself up daily trying to dig my way out of this corner. I had to take action...had to...
Sometimes you're faced with the fact that in order to change your world, hard work and lots of sweat equity are required.
Y'all-- I hate to sweat. I really do.
I have known for a while that I had arrived at that place. This mornings walk just proved my point. I had let the negativity swimming around in my head have it's way with me and I have finally had enough.
I have had enough of feeling exhausted all the time.
I have had enough of mood swings and rubbing thighs and a butt and belly that jiggle when I walk.
I have had enough of the evil minions singing "You Will Fail" on a daily basis, sending me into an emotional spiral ending with me and a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, dancing the dance of self-hatred, spoonful by spoonful.
I also know myself well enough to know that if I started some crazy plan and exercise schedule I would get to week three and it would all be over. I would toss in the towel and head to Stone Cold Creamery.
So what's a girl to do, with no money in the budget to join a gym, and no desire to listen to Jillian Michaels yell at me while I am "shredding"?
The answer came to me last night during my prayer time.
One foot in front of the other...just walk with me Mary...just walk.
This morning I finally talked back to the nasty little minions screaming in my head. About halfway through my walk as I was huffing and puffing up a hill I told them to SHUT UP already! I was going to make it up that darn hill and I would not pass out or die of a heart attack. I was going to prevail. I needed to prevail.
All the way down the hill I smiled. I was sweating and things still jiggled but I didn't care. I had made my choice. It was time to change...everything...one bad habit at a time.
"You can do this Mar. You can beat those nasty little minions. You can change your life...one step at a time. Just like Candy said...You Only Live Once...so let's live baby! YOLO!!"
I had made my choice. My husband will tell you that watching me try to make up my mind is like watching sausage being made. It's ugly. BUT...once my mind is made up...there is no stopping me.
DONE! It's time...I will not be defeated!! YOLO!! It's my new battle cry!!
I know, I know...you're shaking your head wondering why it took me so long to figure things out.
Hey, for once I am the tortoise not the hare! Slow and steady will win this race. I will also need to take my time and deal with the emotional/spiritual side of things as well. I feel like I am finally seeing the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel.
For the first time in 19 years there will be no school bus pulling up to my house to take my girl to school.
There is no need for back-to-school shopping. My husband is totally OK with that fact...LOL!
There is a wide-open life waiting to be lived with my new side-kick, the beautiful Miss C. Yes, her care takes time and lots of physical effort, but most days there will be moments of quiet and I will need to take advantage of those.
Sometimes there will be rest.
Sometimes there will be work to do.
There will be ups and many, many downs for sure. But if I make the time to simply walk, clear my mind and prepare my heart each and everyday, then I know I will able to face the marathon with a smile instead of a grimace.
In time there will be a leaner and stronger body to help bear the glorious burden that is my life.
Now, don't expect me to become a triathlete..remember that part about how I hate to sweat...yeah...STILL hate to sweat my friends. Don't get me started on athletic bras or lycra running shorts... those are just evil tools that must be embraced in my journey.
BUT...if I can just get up and walk (and in time walk/jog!), I will get to where I'm going...and only sweat a little...okay a lot, because it's still me and my glorious menopausal furnace here.
So, I lift my glass filled to the brim with the sweetness of life...CHEERS my friends!
Here's to one foot in front of the other...YOLO!!! YOLO!!! YOLO!!!
Labels: My Crazy Life