when is it enough?


...there are nights when the tears fall freely...tonight was one of those nights...it was a rough few hours for Miss Courtney...her body racked with seizures...watching her fight so bravely...struggling for one breath...one single breath...just one...to get a foot hold...to turn things around...the lips begin to turn purple...then blueish...the nail beds...her face...this is just so damn hard sometimes...I hold her in my arms as her body stiffens rhythmically for one minute...two minutes...three...four...she gags and spits and cries out in fear...she is silent...silence scares me...it means she's not breathing...10 seconds...12 seconds...15 seconds...17 seconds...finally a ragged breath sounding like she has just broken through the surface of water...her body begins to calm...her breathing more regular but such shallow breaths...then the coughing comes...the mucous needs to be suctioned so she doesn't aspirate it into her lungs...she is limp like a rag doll in my arms having spent all she has fighting to stay here with us...20 years she has fought every single day...sometimes two...three...four...five seizures a day...sometimes more...20 years I have held her in my arms and prayed for mercy...tonight the tears fell freely and I called out to God to just make it stop...how much more Lord?...I know that tomorrow she will wake up with a smile on her face and we will begin this daily journey one more time...the tears will fall...again...the prayers will be said...begging and pleading...again...I will never understand why...I have stopped asking that particular question...these days I just want to know when...when is it enough?...she sleeps...she smiles in her sleep...she has won another battle to remain here with us...how come I don't feel victorious?...in this space I am honest...sometimes funny...sometimes pissed...but always honest...tonight I want to know when is it enough?

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