"it was yellow...I swear"...

This is a little story of a Mama named Mary that had to go to court today. All I will say is that my husband is very funny and insisted that he be the one to give you and account of our experience. In my own defense I will say it was raining, the streets were very slick and the light was yellow...

Read on at your own risk. I recommend you empty your bladder first because there may be instantaneous hilarity. Yes, we a re a sarcastic household and it will be some time before I live this one down. 

Let the games begin...

Jerry here (aka The Grouchy Historian)...guest blogging today to tell you those Folsom Prison Blues...

Yes, today was they day my daughter finally joined her brother in the BIG HOUSE...that is to say, Fairfax County Traffic Court.

Here's how it started...

It was a dark and stormy night....me and my sidekicks, Baker Mama and Legs Lenaburg, were making our way back to the hideout after a night plottin' strategery with our cohorts, "Little Asia Man" Silva and his sidekick "Sparkles".

As we were traveling through the rain slick streets of Fairfax in our getaway van, the EM50 Urban Assault Vehicle...we came upon a yellow light at MAJOR intersection.  Being a master of physics, breaking distance and "Oh, God, Oh God, we're all going to die!" I told my driver, Baker Mama to "HIT IT!" and get through the light.

But the jig was up.

The fuzz was on our tail in no time and Dudley Do-right aka Barney Fife was on the job.  His serious demeanor did not agree with the fact that he looked about 21...and of course he was clearly a Criminal Justice major who couldn't understand the physics of trying to stop a 2,000lb vehicle in 30 feet without a tailhook and arresting wire...He came up to the window...tried to give us his war face, which was pretty hard since he looked like he could be a linebacker at Chantilly High School and asked.."Ma'am do you know why I pulled your over?"

NOW, let me just say, that this must be part of the dumbass conversation curriculum of the police academy right up there with "Do you know how fast you were going?".

I mean seriously, what do they expect you to say?

"I don't know officer, I had to drop out of warp drive so you could pull me over?"


"I don't know officer, let me put down my beer so I don't spill it."

However, being the picture of seething diplomacy I kept my mouth shut and Baker Mama got the ticket.

BUT not to fear, she was a flinty veteran of the legal system...having successfully herded our son, "Speedy Gonzales" Lenaburg through traffic court just a few short years ago.  SO off they went to meet justice, defeat evil, and try not to have Legs Lenaburg get cited for contempt of court by guffawing at the judge.

Now Fairfax County Traffic Court is serious stuff...no cell phones, no newspapers, no chewing gum, no talking...hmmm kinda sounds like Catholic Schools only with humorless sheriffs instead of humorless nuns..at least that's what Mary tells me.

So Mary goes to court, with Courtney happily sleeping through the whole thing.

NOW my wife should never, ever be a spy...seriously, she would last about one microsecond under a withering Jack Bauer interrogation:

Jack Bauer :"TELL ME ...."

Mary:  "OK, OK the bomb is in the bank...and my shoe size is 9...and the secret password is Rumpelstiltskin..."

You get the idea...so Baker Mama proceeds up to the docket under the glare of the female traffic court judge and the conversation goes something like this:

Judge:  "Ma'am how do you plead- Guilty, Not Guilty, No Contest"

Mary:  {BURSTING INTO TEARS} "Well your honor...it was raining...and the light was yellow....and it's a really big van....and the light was yellow...and it was wet and very slick....and my daughter's in a wheelchair...and the light was yellow....."

Judge:  "Ma'am, Guilty or Not Guilty" {Judge not sure whether to laugh or summon medical help}

Mary:  {TEARS CONTINUING...NOW WITH SNIFFLES} Guilty....but the light was yellow...and it was wet....

Judge to Officer:  "How is her driving record"

NOW, at this time, of course,  Courtney was snoring under the watchful eye of the baliff...what he was watching for, I don't know...it's not like she was going to jump up and start break dancing or anything...but I guess that hardened criminal aura Court exudes made him wary.

And of course, Officer Do-right is wondering why he is here trying to outwit the criminal masterminds of Baker Mama and Legs Lenaburg....I mean seriously...how will he vanquish the cute blonde in the wheelchair and her blubbering mother?

So he replys:  "+1 your Honor"

This of course means that my wife has simply not gotten a speeding ticket in the last few years....and has a good driving record overall...a 2004 encounter with a Suffolk County Sheriff notwithstanding...

Finally the judge...trying very hard to maintain a straight face, decides justice has been done, knocks the charge down to gratuitous sniffling and inattentive driving or some such nonsense (but not RUNNING A RED light which is THE most expensive fine in Fairfax County at a whoppin' $100 plus $62 extortion...ooops I mean processing charge)..and Mary gets out of court for $20 plus the $62 "hey how's that courthouse rennovation going?" fee.

So Courtney, having slept through it all, leaves the watchful eye of the bailiff to her Mom's care and the afternoon physical therapy appointment.

Isn't the American legal system great.