dear daughter...

Dear Daughter,

I don't really have words my Courtney for how much you are loved and wanted here. It has been almost a year since that fateful Good Friday morning where I said "goodbye and I love you" for what I thought was the last time. I was at peace. You were at peace. 

Then God decided that you needed to touch a few more lives, to remain here with us having more of God's work to do. I am incredibly humbled by His choice. 

Then eight months later we were in that place once more, this time you danced along that line and tipped your toes over the edge. Your Daddy and I said "goodbye", feeling more discussed preparations for your final celebration. As I watched the nurses and Docs push those fluids, I placed you in Jesus's arms and felt such peace knowing that you would soon be dancing with your Beloved. 

Then God brought you back from the brink again and Daddy and I held you and loved you and praised Him for giving you back to us once more time. Confused as well. We struggle with understanding as to why He would put all of us through this not once but twice in the same year. But then this is God. Who am I to completely understand his reasoning? I am just so thrilled for more time. 

This second crisis revealed to us what needed to happen to help you. So we began yet another medical adventure. Weaning you off a med you have taken every day for twenty years. Holy Moly what a challenge.

You remind me day in and day out that God is good all the time...

You and I have had quite a few weeks. Ever since we successfully weaned you off the Depakote, you have "woken up" to the world around you. No longer are you sleeping twelve hours a day, but now only five or six if I am lucky.

You are so happy most of the time, unless I am feeding you peas or trying to wash/brush/braid/touch in anyway shape or form your hair. You get bored easily which means lots of positional changes, more story time, hands-on therapy, back rubs and leg massages.

Maybe I could teach you how to give Mama a leg massage...hmmm...

I am amazed at God is doing for you in regards to your seizure control. Only one a day and sometimes you even skip a day or two. Absolutely freaking miraculous.

When the seizures come you fight with the strength of a lion. You are fierce and strong in your desire to remain here with us. I pray through each of them and you fight to breathe. Keep fighting my daughter, keep fighting.

You hum...a lot. You are not a quite girl. Daddy says you take after your Mama...he would be right on that count. LOL!

You yell and laugh and sing AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. No matter where we are or what we are doing. You have decided that the world needs to know that Courtney Lenaburg was here.

You insist upon curling your toes every.single.time I try to put on your shoes making Mama count to ten before trying again.

You stomp your feet when you are hungry. You "clap" your hands together when you are happy. You laugh, giggle and smile, especially when big brother or Daddy read to you.

What a Daddy's girl you are. When he comes home every night you smile, drool happily and giggle as he kisses his girl. Your evening is not complete unless you have sofa snuggling time with Daddy.

Oh how he loves you my daughter. The nights he just stands by your bed and watches you sleep so peacefully, tears in his eyes thankful because God has granted him yet more time with you here, letting him love you.

You are stubborn and coy, sweet and spicy and absolutely beautiful to me. Your smile with those buck teeth I had before braces, the goofy look you make when you cross your eyes as you laugh with such joy.

Oh how we love you my Courtney. Always know that your Mama and daddy love you with all we've got. Good days and bad, we go through them all doing our best to care for you. I need you to be patient with my my sweet girl while we figure this new journey out, you and me against the world!! LOL! We will figure it out in time I know.

I am just so glad we have the very, very glad...

We love you Courtney Elizabeth Lenaburg!

Blessings and Grace,

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