day 18 ~ where we do the dance of "why me"...

i woke up this morning before the sun was up...i felt like i was choking and began to panic...i don't panic well...i bolted out of bed to make sure i was upright as soon as heart beating...sweat dripping down my throat was killing me and it was incredibly painful to i gargled with warm water and celtic sea mom's old school remedy to all things sore throat related...i came downstairs, heated the tea kettle and made some throat coat tea with honey...i began the kabuki dance in my head asking "why me?" and "how do i offer this up?"'s a dance i know well...when i am in physical pain i tend to complain a lot and i am not known for my graciousness or sparkly happy smile in those moments...i tend to be like a feral dog and snap at anyone who comes near least that's what my beloved says...he's been snapped at quite a bit in the last three's easier for me to deal with miss courtney and all she brings to my daily like than for me to be sick or in pain...pretty sad for a grown-up don't 'ya think?...i read the scriptures for the day and in the process realized that i desperately need to go to know that feeling when you need to hit the box and hit it hard??...yea that feeling...i'm now...the Holy Spirit has been pretty straight forward this week pointing out a few dark cavernous places in my soul that need a little Godlight...and yeat all i can think about is that my stinking throat hurts and i want to eat something other than pureed soup and tea...who needs confession...i want steak and potatoes...yep...i need a little of God's mercy and i need it yesterday...anyhoo...i took more pain meds and promptly fell asleep in my chair only to awake to miss courtney's laughter two hours later...i wish i would wake up laughing...sounds like a fabulous way to start my day...i guess you have to be a saint to have that the only one who wakes up laughing in this house is miss courtney...oh...she has been without seizures for 72 hours now...booyah!! i think we have found the sweet spot with her meds...but my throat is still sore as all get out and i just want to sleep without feeling like i am choking...hey people it's all about me you know...where was i going with this?...i have no idea...all i know is that i want to eat real food...every time i try to swallow all i can think of is getting an epidural...for my they have those??...oh and we are out of ice cream...the zombie apocalypse is next...i just know i will stop bitching, whining, moaning and complaining and leave you with a little the end we win...that's what i am hanging on to...that and pain meds...

Today I am grateful for: 

#1692 - #1704

** polka dot wooly socks
** a new box of kleenex
** knitting needles and yarn
** an ottoman
** my beloved willing to run the weekend errands...did I mention he hates running errands
** watching world war z with my honey...hubby is happy about this not so much...zombies!
** hot tea and honey...this will remain on the list until the pain subsides
** courtney waking up laughing
** the silence of an early, early morning
** praying for my 8th grade girls on their confirmation retreat 
** soup in all varieties
** ice cream

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