When I read Auntie Leila's words this morning, I actually felt relief. I am not alone. Tired...I am tired all the time these days. Leila wrote about how tired she was and that ever January she feels the same way. As much as I love winter, for the first time, I totally understand what she is talking about. These past few weeks I have felt that same way. You probably already know this but I have felt like every day it takes just about everything I have to get dinner on the table and take care of Miss Court's needs. Sometimes that dinner is eggs and toast but at least it's hot. 24/7 it's the same day in and day out. I readily admit I am struggling. I know that I have complained a LOT in the last two months on this blog. You all have listened patiently. I am always amazed at how patient you are with me. I have worried openly and wrung my hands as one thing after another has gone wrong. I feel like I have been surviving life instead of actively living it. I have felt very out of control and out of sync with my typical self. Nothing really holds my attention for long and it's not been fun. I woke up this morning determined to have a different kind of day. I made myself get dressed in something other than flannel and leggings, got Courtney dressed warmly and we packed up and went to physical therapy. It was very cold but Big Bertha did her job and got us there safely. We met with Miss Pam and her PT Student Miss Katie. For the next 45 minutes I watched in amazement as my daughter was put through her paces. As I watched her actually use her legs to sit to stand, hold her own weight while leaning on one arm, then the other, I flashed back to where we were one year ago. One year ago, she was just out of the hospital, her liver and kidneys were struggling, her ammonia levels were off the charts and we were told we had to change medications unsure of what the final result would be. We were begging God daily to just make this all come together, to give our girl more time here with us. He heard us. He gave us our hearts desire.
Taken this morning, after therapy, outside the hospital...
She is here. Our Courtney is doing things she has never done before. She rolls over front to back, back to front. She is learning to drink from a cup with a straw. She is learning to feed herself, very sloppily I might add, but learning all the same. She is weight bearing on her own once more. Her seizures are under the BEST control they have ever been. She goes days without any outward sign of a seizure and when they do come it's usually associated with an illness. I have complained way too much over these last few weeks doubting God and His provision for me and my family. Here I am watching a miracle unfold before my eyes in a therapy room at Georgetown University Hospital and still I have doubts? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I continue to make this same mistake time and time again? I trod thorough life smiling when things go well, freaking out when they don't, feeling more tired and depleted as time goes on instead of SEEing what's right in front of me and trusting that even when it's hard, really hard...HE is with me. It was a good day. A day where I got to watch my pretty daughter, with a smile on her face, happily working to improve her strength. Funny how things become very clear in a blink of an eye. God is REAL. He is with us...all the time.
~ Capturing the context of contentment in everyday life ~