being left behind...

** this post is honest, deep and may be laced with profanity from time to time. I warn you so you know I am being real and there will be no happy clappy party. You may need kleenexes...just saying...**

This evening was the beginning of the goodbyes. It's part of our plan, my sweet SIL and my two nieces came by for dinner and then they helped me go through Courtney's closet and dresser to clear out her old clothing that is now two sizes too big, so we can put her new things away. 

As I held each piece, there was a story to go with it. There was laughter and a few tears. I thought I handled it pretty well. I set aside several things that were dear to me for her memory quilt when the time comes. 

There was one moment when one of them tried on Court's USNA sweatshirt. Jerry looked at her, smiled, hugged her, and walked away. The look on his face broke me. The realization of what is coming is sinking in. There are no words...

The girls tried more things on and I sent them home with several bags of clothing, with more to go to other friends/family whose daughters are that size. It made this chore a little lighter with family. To know that Courtney's things will be loved and cared for a little while longer somehow made it bearable. 

I held my daughter tonight after a hard day for her. Court is struggling under the heavy dose of meds to try and keep the seizures at bay. Her weight continues to drop and the coming weeks and months will be filled with more days like today. No humming, just staring into space. 

I don't know how I am going to do this. I don't know if I can let her go with grace. I talk a damn fine game my friends but my heart is breaking a little more everyday as I hold her broken little body as it wastes away. This is so freaking hard. I rejoice for where she is going but damn I want to go with her. I don't want to be left behind. 

I am often told that my ability to remain positive in all this is amazing. Let's get very real for one moment. I am not always positive. I can't be. My daughter is dying right in front of my eyes. Who the hell would I be if I was happy clappy all the time? 

Yes, I am so grateful and humbled by so many who are making this journey easier. Truly I am. Those love bombs allow me to fully concentrate on my daughter and caring for her in these last months.

But if I am totally honest with myself, I am way pissed off that this is how it's going to end. I know, it's useless and I struggle with that anger because I sat in it for seven years when she was first dealing with the seizures. I know how destructive it can be and I have two men who need me to be strong. 

So I try and stay in that middle place so I can handle the day to day needs of my girl. It's getting harder as people come and say goodbye because I know that I will have to do the same soon. I just don't want to let her go. I want this all to go away. What I wouldn't give for it to go away.

Tonight I realized how challenging this is going to be helping everyone else say goodbye. I want to slam the door and just hold her but I know that my family needs to say what they need to say. It's important but damn it's hard. 

Forget hard...this sucks a shit pile! 

This girl is loved by many and deeply. I know that I am not the only one whose heart is breaking but I am the Mama and  I don't want to let her go. She came from my body, fed at my breast, and I have held this child through every hardship in her life for twenty-two years. I don't know what my arms will feel like without her in them. 

I don't know if I can do this. 

It just hurts too much. 

No ones heart can withstand this, especially mine.

Courtney's Amazon Wish List Link

** we humbly thank you from the bottom of our hearts 
for any help with Courtney's extensive medical bills**

We Love the Lenaburgs - Team Courtney Fundraiser