birthdays and funeral homes...

Yesterday I turned 47. 

Today I spent an hour at the funeral home to begin making arrangements for my daughters burial. 

I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.

Maybe I will run away and become a circus clown because that's the craziest thing I can come up with right now and my life is filled with all kinds of crazy. 

Good crazy but still...wowza...

Yesterday it was wet and raining. Not a ray of sun to be seen. That didn't matter at all. The birthday love bombs of chocolate and coffee arrived via the UPS man or the mailman. Sweet friends from Kilmer Center, Miss Courtney's former school, came by to deliver a little extra love. They were followed by some old homschooling friends of mine who planted a birthday garden for me IN THE RAIN!!

Crazytown my friends. Who does that? Well, sweet awesome friends do. I also received a beautiful plant and cut flowers to help celebrate the day. I was so overwhelmed, I did not know what to do. I have never had a birthday like this one. Never. To be cared for and loved in such a gracious and grand fashion was awesome and so very, very special. I will never for get my 47th birthday. 


Miss Courtney's love bombs We should be done now and I cannot say thank you enough. We have plenty of clothing and supplies for Miss Courtney. Our freezers are filled with wonderful food and we are so blessed. Jerry and I shake our heads in wonder at the Lord's provision during this time. It has been absolutely amazing. No words. So amazing. 

People are still asking how they can help. Well there are two ways. I will get to that in a moment. 

This morning Jerry and I faced a parent's nightmare. Meeting with a funeral home director about our daughter's services. First I want to say how lovely and incredibly helpful Miss Christine of Fairfax Memorial Home was in walking Jerry and I through it all. 

To say we were slightly overwhelmed would be an understatement. So.many.details. I was so grateful for the peace I had going in and so thankful that our dear friend Dcn. Silva came with us. I don't know what we would have done without him. DQ you saved the morning with your quick wit. 

The hardest moment for Jerry was when they showed us the concrete vault that Miss Court's casket will be in. It was so real in that moment. I looked at my husband who has loved this little girl from the moment we knew she existed and he had tears running down his face. 

No words friends.

I rubbed his back and told him it would all be OK. My pragmatic blunt husband looked at me and said "No it won't. We still have to pay for all this." 

That's my Bear. I love him so much and he always calls a spade a spade. I laughed out loud. He was so right. All of this is just insane. I don't want to be at a funeral home figuring out what kind of vault we want or what kind of prayer card or program. 

I just want to go home and hold my daughter, watch her smile, maybe even get her to laugh. Instead my hands were shaking as I was flipping though the 100 page flower catalog. Too.many.choices. 

That was my very real moment. 

Sweet Mother I love flowers but I just could not do it. I could not choose what flowers to put on my daughter's casket. So we opted to wait to make those choices later. Don't even get me started on a grave stone. 

So here is where we stand. We have started a "folder" at the funeral home making all our selections except for the flowers and headstone. The total cost of this shindig...drum roll please...$9000...and that's the frugal funeral with the casket already being provided. 

I know, I know I shouldn't be shocked but...well...I am. 

We have a $5000 KofC policy for her and Jerry has a policy through work. The kicker with that is, if he is laid off on Friday, (Oct. 3) that one will go away. Which means we will have to come up with the rest ourselves. Add in her medical debt and well, life's a party my friends and you can't take it with you. 

Since we don't have any $$ at the moment, we just had them take down ALL the details and when Miss Courtney makes her final exit we will go and take care of the bill. Death and taxes baby, can't avoid either of them. Wow!

Jerry came home and had a shot of vodka. I went and got my hair cut. Courtney laughed. Jonathan went to work. 

Life goes on. 

God has never let us down. His provision has been overwhelming and awesome for our girl from the very beginning. It hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination and has required much sacrifice. But this child has been such a miracle and to love her and care for her is an honor. We would do the same for our son. 

Speaking of which, he came to me this morning and mentioned that all he had in his almost 25 year old wardrobe were his work uniforms, jeans, golf shirts and a few button down plaid shirts. I just laughed. 

Have I mentioned how much this boy HATES to shop or where anything other than grey or navy blue?? Of course! So adding son's funeral clothes to the "to do" list. I see some serious fun in my future. Yay me!!


47 is going to be an interesting year for sure and for certain. 


** we humbly thank you from the bottom of our hearts 
for any help with Courtney's extensive medical bills and final arrangements**

We Love the Lenaburgs - Team Courtney Fundraiser