So we took over the sofa, hot coffee at the ready for Mama and extra snuggles for my sweetie. We watched Hallmark movies, Castle re-runs, listened to "The Secret Garden" on the iPod and napped when the ZZzzz's attacked. I gotta say it was not a bad way to spend the day.
Miss Courtney is now weighing in at 77 pounds. It's hard to watch. We changed formulas and that seemed to help her with some gastro distress issues she was struggling with. She is much more comfortable and smiling again. That is such a gift to us right now.
Comfort and smiles are the best.
Once I put Miss Court to bed, Jerry and I watched a few episodes of NCIS on DvD and then we headed to bed. Me? I tried to sleep, I did. I just didn't have it in me. After an hours of counting sheep, praying, counting sheep again and again, I quietly came downstairs.
I headed into Miss Courtney's room and just watched my girl sleep peacefully. Sometimes her innocent beauty just takes my breath away. It doesn't come from me, it comes from God. That peace and that sweetness that she radiates every moment of every day. I stood there and began to have a panic attack.
Grief comes wave on wave out of nowhere these days. I love my babies. I love them with all I have. The thought of not seeing Courtney's buck toothed smile or hearing her trucker laugh just breaks me. I don't know how I will survive without my Courtney with me.
The very thought takes my breath away. This long goodbye may be the end of me. Truly.
I.can.not.breathe.
I stayed on that floor for hours going over memory after memory in my head. The day I found out I was pregnant with Court after we had miscarried our second baby. The day we found out she was a girl. The day we chose her name. The day she was born and we got to meet her, hold her and take her home.
They let us take this beautiful creature home. US? For reelz? The day she had her first siezure. The day of her baptism. Her first ER visit, her first admit, her first allergic reaction. The day they told us she would not survive her first birthday. Her third birthday. Her seventh birthday.
The day she took her first "steps" in her gait trainer at the age of six. The day she said "Maaa" for the first time. So many memories. So many GOOD memories to outweigh the bad. We have been so blessed by her life. This child has changed Jerry, Jonathan and I at our very core. She has changed how we look at the world and all the awesome souls in it.
Courtney teaches us everyday what the "dignity of life" actually means.
She.is.love.
She.gives.love.
She is "seen" as perfect and unique in our eyes and in God's.
She is honored and her dignity remains intact with every diaper change, chair snuggle time, story read, song sung, every tube feeding given, every doctors visit, late night holding, reassurance during a seizure and massage and bath given.
She.is.loved.
With waves and waves of love.
Now and forever. Here or in Heaven.
Always baby girl. Always.
"We humbly thank you for any help paying Courtney's extensive medical bills
and taking care of her final arrangements**
and taking care of her final arrangements**
We Love the Lenaburgs - Team Courtney Fundraiser
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Mary! I received you sweet, handwritten thank you note for my tiny gift today. You didn't have to do that! But that is a sweet picture of you and Courtney that you included and I will treasure it.
ReplyDeleteDear Mary, I just wrote a comment and it disappeared into cyberspace. Sigh. I have only been recently introduced to you and your beautiful Courtney. I have no words, simply crying with you. Your Monday sounded like a near perfect collection of moments, snuggling together. But the nights, the nights are so hard. Thank you for sharing your story, I have spent some evenings catching up on your posts, what a journey. Wishing you more gentle moments through these days.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, Mary. And so hard. I'm so sorry for all the grief you're having to bear. May God continue to bless you and your wonderful family.
ReplyDeleteHi Mary, I just found your blog through The hilarious Grace Patton. Your journey is left a footprint on my heart and your faith simply astounds me. I cannot even fathom the road you have traveled but I wanted to let you know you have a praying friend in Chicago...sending big huge hugs that I pray you can feel from here. With love, AmyW.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. My husband and I are praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteIt is now nearly a year since we lost our beloved son, Sam, to leukemia. He was 12. The things you write - I so identify with. But I have to tell you: you WILL get through losing her. Our son was a very holy boy, and though we lost his physical presence, he is more available now to us that he ever could be when he was alive. He has shown his love and intercession for us countless times. There is nothing quite like being the mother of a saint. He died on the feast day of his patron, St Jude. I had thought I would pray a novena of thanksgiving to St Jude this year (feast day October 28) when it occurred to me that I could pray a novena now to our son as well. I do grieve still, but there has been so much beauty that has come only because of his death that I am not overwhelmed by his grief. In my novena to my son, I will include your intentions as well.
ReplyDeletehugs. This was a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteJust wanting to give you virtual hugs, reassurance that you and yours are in my prayers, and that reading your blog makes me very sad at times (and wish that I lived nearby to bring you gobs of food because feeding others is my love language) but it also makes me so thankful for this wonderful Church, for you for sharing and giving all of us in the internets an opportunity to get to know your lovely Miss Courtney.
ReplyDeleteMary, I hope you don't mind, but I shared a little bit about your girl's story over here: http://adaptivecatechesis.blogspot.com/2014/10/meet-miss-courtney.html
ReplyDeleteI am praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteWhat an eartlhly saint Courtney is, and your family is giving us such a beautiful reminder to all of us about what love looks like, how we are called to love, and what is important. I think of your family and pray for you all so often, and we've never even had the pleasure of meeting.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful young lady. I'll remember your family in my Rosary today.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful smiles at the top of this post! I'm glad you can share your with all of us so we can better pray for you.
ReplyDelete