This morning I had a complete emotional crisis as I was filled with doubt, guilt and variety of other junk the devil tried to pile on. It was rough and the tears were hot and ugly and my heart was so very heavy. As I held my sweet Courtney, I just poured my heart out to her letting her know how much I loved her and how hard this path has been for her Mama.
I feet like I am swimming through a fog of emotion and stress and mama guilt of "Am I doing enough? How can I make this easier for her? How much longer Lord? How much more suffering?" and any variation of the above.
I snuggled in with my girl and begged God for a little heart peace. I cried some more, I sung to her, I massaged her sweet little hands, I talked about how beautiful Heaven must be and all the beautiful souls waiting to greet her.
She smiled at me and my heart broke open again.
This girl and her sweet innocence. The power of her smile is overwhelming to me. I never want to forget that sweet awesome smile of hers. Never...
I had my phone next to my chair and I checked my instagram and an astounding gift was waiting for me. Jamaica's family had made a short video singing "You are My Sunshine" to Courtney. Oh those sweet children and their joy to sing for my baby girl. I played it for her over and over again. Court smiled every time. The love that flowed from those glorious voices for my daughter was so inordinate and huge, I could not do anything but smile right back.
Thank you so much Jamaica and family for that gift. The timing was definitely God inspired. I am just so thankful for that moment. It lifted me up just when I needed it most.
After watching the video 20x's or more, I picked up my rosary and prayed through smiles and more tears. They come so easily for me these days. I just feel like a cracked glass vase leaking slowly all over the table of life.
As I completed the final decade my phone rang and it was my friend Miss Maureen checking in on us. I have been blessed by her friendship for 14 plus years now and she is a powerful prayer warrior. It was as if the Blessed Mother needed me to know in that moment that another Mama who has seen her own struggles was praying for me, blessing me with her hard won peace of heart.
When I hung up the phone, more tears of joy streamed. I so needed that personal moment with her, to not feel alone in this moment. I finished my rosary and held my daughter for a little while longer.
Courtney fell asleep in my arms. Can I tell you how precious these moments are to me? This beautiful spirit and tenacious young woman has fought for her life from the very beginning. Now she lays her head on my chest and sleeps like she did when she was tiny.
It feels surreal this circle of life I am in the middle of right now. Totally surreal. I have always been and "all in" kind girl. I don't do things in half measures. It's just not how I am wired. I don't know how to keep my emotions in check. I struggle to keep emotional distance from any situation, difficult or not.
I never know what will happen throughout the day. I am really struggling with sleep. The quiet is hard for me. I just run through every detail of the day to make sure I have done all I can do.
I know in my head God is in control. I do. I just wrestle with the laying it down part. It's an ingrained part of my DNA to over think a situation and plan things out to the smallest detail. I have spent my life fighting against this particular personality quirk and I feel like I am losing that battle.
Letting go is hard. So.very.hard.
My challenge is to stay in this present moment and not worry about anything else. It feels like a monumental task sometime. Oh hell, ALL the time.
I need to stay present to my daughter, my husband and my son.
I must trust in the eternal plan God has for my family, especially for my Courtney. It's exhausting and joy filled all in the same breath.
Prayers my friends that I can sleep. That I can fight the spiritual battles of doubt that swirl about my heart. Prayers for my Courtney to fall asleep in the peaceful arms of Our Lady and be carried to Our Lord without pain of fear for any of us, but especially her.
Thank you for loving us through this. Thank you for your prayers and your encouragement. Thank you for your videos and your moral boosting notes and packages. We, as a family, are humbled and truly blessed to be loved in such a manner. God is so very good even in the midst of our struggles.
We will make our way through this fog and the Son shall shine upon all of us in the end. At least that is my prayer and my hearts deepest desire.
God is in control and let me tell you that is very tough for this Type A, control freak of a Mama to bend my will to His and allow the Holy Spirit to work with my heart and fill it with peace and joy once more.
That's where we are today my friends. May you find joy in your day. Thank you for providing mine.
"We humbly thank you for any help paying off Courtney's extensive medical bills
and taking care of the cost of the remainder of her final arrangements**
We Love the Lenaburgs - Team Courtney Fundraiser
Labels: Courtney's World, We Can Do This!!