one month ago...

October 2014
Courtney looking up and knowing where she would be in a few short weeks.
The JOY on her face is just breathtaking...

Today marks one month since my beautiful girl went home to her Beloved. I woke up this morning to a winter white landscape outside and both my guys home. One tele-commuting for the day and the other with a rare day off. ALL of us together as we were that night one month ago. Funny how my girl made sure we could all hug one another and share a meal as well as laugh telling stories and sharing memories on this first month anniversary of her passing. 

She's sneaky that way. 

Once again, my daughter has gotten her own way. Gee, color me surprised. 

Things are beginning to very slowly come back into focus. Sleep is easier than a month ago. My appetite is slowly returning. Jerry and I are getting used to our new found freedom. We are taking the time to learn how to be a couple again. We are spending time with Jonathan learning how to communicate without Courtney in the daily picture. 

We are rebuilding our family one day at a time. 

I still walk into her room and cry. I still find myself watching the clock to make sure I keep her feeding/med schedule. I even got the blender out yesterday morning to be prepared. I still walk through the children's section of the book store or library looking for good books to read to her. I still look online for cute sweaters or soft clothes to keep her warm. 

I know the automatic response to do these things will slowly fade away but for now, it's how I am coping. It will take some time for twenty-two years of training to be reprogrammed in this brain of mine. 

In time all will be well. 

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