saying goodbye to Christmas...

Hey Y'all...

I hope your New Year has gotten off to a fabulous start. 

I know I have been a bit absent from this space but things on the Chez Lenaburg home front have kept me very busy. The paper work alone is flippin' brutal. Apparently you cannot be born or die without a paper trail the size of the Oregon Trail.  So.many.forms. Then waiting for forms to be returned to then fill out more parts of the form and so on and so on and so on...

Then there is the whole grieving thing. One day everything is fine and the next I don't want to get out of bed. The strangest things will start the water works going. A song on the radio, seeing a book at the book store, finding a pair of her pajama's at the bottom of the very large laundry pile. Walking into her room, no matter what time of day. That is still so hard. 

There is also the not sleeping issue. My body clock is way of. I mean like on Australian time off. I have tried just about everything I know to get back on a regular sleep schedule and nada. Nothing but counting sheep every night and exhaustion every morning. I spoke to my primary care Doc and he laughed. He told me time was the only sure cure. I had spent 22 years on Courtney's schedule. It will take a little time to get back on my schedule. 

Great. Time. I feel so rested already. 


Courtney in December 2014...her last tree. 

On top of that, this past weekend it was time to face the Christmas decorations. 

I have spent many hours since Courtney's funeral in front of her tree thinking, praying and talking to my girl. It's the most beautiful tree we have ever had in our twenty-six years together. I think it was meant to be that way. 

The best tree for Courtney's last Christmas.

It took five hours for Jerry and I to take it all down and put it away. There were some very tough moments in those five hours. We shared stories about different ornaments, cried together, and took our time saying goodbye to the Christmas of 2014, one that we will never forget. 

One that I never want to forget. I never want to forget my girl's smiling face, her laughter, how bravely she fought or how fascinated she was with the Christmas tree lights. I am so very thankful to God for the time we had with our daughter. ALL those nights spent cuddled up in our chair, listening to Christmas carols while watching the lights. 

some of our favorite Courtney ornaments...

Golly I miss my girl. I miss those nights we sat together and I sang to her or prayed the rosary. It actually hurts sometimes how much I miss her. I have cried everyday since she died. I didn't think I had that many tears in me. 

My Mom was right. She told me to cherish every moment with Courtney because there would come a day when I would give anything to have her back in my arms. 

My Mom is one very wise woman. 

My plan is to continue to take each day as it comes and be present to those I love. We all experience grief differently, men especially. My guys are doing pretty well I have to say. I am so proud of them, especially Jonathan. I love listening to him share his memories of his sister. So different from mine. It's very cool. 

As for what happens next...well...the next step is to empty out Miss Courtney's room. We will be donating most of her equipment to other families in need or charities that help disabled kids. It's time to pay it forward for our daughter. Time to help others like ourselves. 

I will use her room as my sewing, writing, crafting room, and home office. I think it's the perfect spot to write the book and spend hours creating beauty and maybe pay a few bills as well. 

I promise to write about Courtney's final days as well as her beautiful funeral Mass and burial in the coming days. I am still processing all of the emotions involved. 

Thank you for the continued love and prayers.

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