Grief can be a tricky tide to navigate. I know that each day I have a choice to make. Some days it's quite easy to get up and go about life's busyness. The laundry, the housecleaning and the food prep. It's rote at this point in my life. Muscle memory takes over, if you will.
Then there are days when my body feels like it's carrying and extra thousand pounds and my heart is weighed down with such grief that I feel I cannot breathe.
On these days, choosing to find the joy hidden within daily life, is freaking tough my friends. As in "Lord give me the strength to stay upright and out of bed curled in the fetal position for the rest of my life" kind of Herculean strength that can only come from God.
Yesterday and today have been hard Herculean days. They weren't any different than any other day, nothing particularly special going on but for whatever reason they have been extremely difficult to navigate.
The tears come with every photo I see. An email arrives talking about our sweet girl and I lose it, missing her so. A song is played on the radio and in an instant I am shot back in time with my Courtney. It just doesn't end on these days.
I am told that this pain never really goes away, but the weight and power of it lessen as the heart grows to carry it all. I think of it as scar tissue growing over an open wound.
It will take time I know, but golly it's exhausting to fight my way through it some days. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. Courtney was a gift from God who taught us how to love without limits. She was the BEST part of our family. We all agree on that. She was a miracle from day one and her presence is still so strong here in our home.
It's just that she not really here to hold and cuddle, to read to and care for. I had no idea how much time we really spent together every day for twenty-two years. I just cared for her and now she's not here and my days are so very empty.
I do not mean any disrespect to anyone. I love my babysitting job with my two sweet girls twice a week. I love lunching with friends and meeting for coffee and critique group with my writing homies.
|October of 2014|
It's just not the same as being with my Courtney.
I guess that's how it's supposed to be when your child dies. Life changes in an instant. I am not who I was on December 26, 2015. I never will be again. As to I am supposed to be, I'll let you know whenI figure it out.
For now, I just try to surround myself with as much joy as possible. It makes it a little easier to find it within myself. And when the Herculean days come, I just head to the nearest Baskin Robbins and begin and flavor #1.
Just keeping real my friends.
Labels: Courtney's World, We Can Do This!!