This weekend is Mother's Day.
The first Mother's Day since my Courtney went home to Heaven. Jerry asked me last night what I wanted for Mother's Day.
I was taken aback for a minute because I had not realized that it was this weekend. I took a deep breath and told him that all I wanted was a grave stone for Courtney. He smiled and said that was a little outside his budget for this weekend.
Since Courtney died things have been a bit easier financially. All of Courtney's immediate medical debt has been paid off with what was raised by the GoFundMe back in the fall as well as using some of her life insurance money. This was a HUGE gift(thank you so much to all who contributed) to Jerry and I and relieved some of the immediate strain.
It has made day to day living a little easier for certain.
Then Jerry was in a car accident and totaled his car. This forced us to purchase a used "new to us" car. We also gave Big Bertha to another family and got a second used car for me to drive. There were also two major repairs for the house in the last few weeks. These necessary purchases and repairs used the remainder of Court's life insurance money, some of which we had set aside for a headstone.
Then this happened and well, the dam broke open. Her loss has been very hard for me to deal with this past month. My heart hurts because there is no marker for my daughter. Hell, my heart hurts because there is a need for a headstone.
We have made some calls and done the research needed. We will need a grey granite stone (this is a requirement from the graveyard she is in) that will sit above ground, not flat. The price tag runs between $1700-$2000 including engraving and such. That's out of the realm of possibility right now and I know that it will be at least six to eight months before we can make it happen on our current savings plan.
When discussing this, separately, with some friends today, they both said the same exact thing. "Mary, put the PayPal button up one last time on the blog and give people the opportunity to make your Mother's Day wish come true. It's the last thing Courtney is in 'need of'."
I smiled and said Courtney was gone and I could be patient and save over the next year to make it happen. I am tired of asking for help. Just.so.tired.
On the way home, I prayed out loud and asked God for some clear direction on this. I told him I just wanted something simple with her name, so that she would not be forgotten. I have a desperate need to see her name in stone. To have something to look at when I visit her, instead of dirt and a plastic sign.
It was an emotional drive home. I miss my sweet Courtney so much. I was not expecting to have such a hard time with this weekend and it's significance.
I let it go and went on with my afternoon. Then I opened my email. There were several emails from readers and family friends inquiring on how they could help us best honor Courtney, especially this weekend, her first Mother's day in heaven.
OK, Holy Spirit. I get it.
So here it is my friends. For Mother's Day, in honor of my Courtney, the PayPal button for those who wish to contribute directly to:
"Courtney's Headstone Fund"
Whatever is given, we will set aside directly toward the purchase of her headstone. If you don't wish to use PayPal but want to contribute, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will send our snail mail address if needed.
Thank you for your love, your support and your prayers. I know that I will be emotional this weekend, but you know, it's OK.
Actually, I'm not OK. I don't think I will be for a very long time. That's just how grief goes I guess.
Labels: Courtney's World, We Can Do This!!