why does the mailman hate me so much...all he delivers are envelopes with windows...I fell like everyone wants a piece of me...paying bill is like squeezing blood from a turnip...I can't be the only one who feels this way...I am really struggling right now to stay sane and keep moving forward...to not give into despair and sadness...just when I feel like we have this whole debt thing under control...the budget is working...we are seeing progress...Jerry might be able to retire before he's eighty...we get another envelope...I just want to scream...the last two years of Courtney's life were the most expensive...it's craziness...the credit cards that sustained us are maxed...they paid for the special food...the co-pays for therapies...so many therapies...the special ointments and lotions since she would breakout with anything over the counter...trying to keep the bedsores at bay...the special clothing so she would be comfy...the experimental this or that to help keep her alive...tens of thousands of dollars...to help make her life easier...to help make the most of what her life could be...why does it always come down to the dollars and cents...it's all too much sometimes...the call from the church cemeterian to let me know there is still space right next to Courtney in the cemetary...we can have a spot for Jerry and I...for $3250...I say thank you but we can't afford it...oh how I wish we could...she was so kind...but I hang up...I weep...something else we can't do...I want to be next to Courtney right now...I want the floor to swallow me up and just be with her...it's so hard sometimes to have that hope necessary to live each day with joy...it's just so damn hard...living hand to mouth...how did this happen...how did we allow this to happen...my guy works his ass off...I am working part-time...spending the rest of my time trying to dig out of the two years of not doing ANYTHING in our home...there is so much clutter and I am making my way through it slowly...just like our debt...slow...so very slow...it's a struggle to find the positive when everywhere I turn...someone is holding out their hand...I hate it...I feel like such a disappointment...such a failure...I don't shop...we don't eat out, especially now that there are no gift cards from Christmas left...I make my own everything from bread to jam...I'm just so very tired...tired of grieving my daughter...tired of not getting ahead...like ever...tired of watching my son grieve his only sibling...it's breaking my heart slowly...I'm tired of being the strong one...I am not strong...I am human...a broken human filled with sin and I feel like I am drowning...I want my daughter back...now damnit...now...the struggle...damn struggle...Oh Courtney...your Mom and Daddy need your help baby girl...we need your light and love so much...golly we miss you...your smile...your laughter...you...just you...I know this will pass Courtney...I know it will...but darn it it so hard some days...so very hard...we will not let you down my girl...Mama, Joanthan and Daddy will make it through this nightmare...we will...one struggle at a time...God be with us...one struggle at a time...
Labels: We Can Do This!!
