these boys of mine...

I know that most of the time I write about what I am feeling and going through since Miss Courtney went home to heaven. I rarely talk about my guys because, well, they are not big fans of talking about their emotions let alone sharing them on the internet. 

This doesn't mean they don't have them. 

Not by a long shot. 

They loved Courtney in their own unique ways. 

She was Daddy's little princess who would snuggle on the couch to watch John Wayne movies, or whatever college football game that was on that weekend. She gave her Daddy the best smiles lighting up the room when he would get home. Jerry and Courtney shared something special and pure that was theirs and theirs alone. It was a beautiful thing to witness and a great gift to remember when our grief gets heavy to carry. 

Jonathan saw a lot growing up. There were multiple traumas when Courtney was a wee one. A helicopter ride to Children's, multiple seizures where his mother wept while encouraging Court to breathe, knowing there was nothing he could do to make it better. 

This man child of mine witnessed much heart ache and yet, he was still able to find the joy most days. He spent hours reading to his sister, making all the funny voices to get her to smile. He held her hand when she seized, he stayed by her bed late at night when things weren't so good, so she wasn't alone. He loved her and when she died his last words to her were "Goodnight Court. See you soon." The same thing he said every night she was alive, no matter what time he got home, he would go into her room, kiss her nose and say those words. 

Now she is gone and these boys of mine are struggling a bit. No one ever talks about the men, the Dads, the brothers when a child dies. We are all so concerned about the Mama's and as one I totally get that. 

BUT...

We are a family. I hurt. They hurt. Some days it's just plain hard, especially for them,  because they are expected to be so strong and stoic and that's just not where they are all the time. 

Hearts break the same way no matter what your sex. Jonathan and Jerry loved Courtney as much as I did and to be without her is just plain hard. 

So if you feel called, keep them in your prayers would you. Especially Jonathan. When big brothers lose their little sisters, life changes on a dime and navigating that grief can be overwhelming. 

These boys of mine are my heart and soul. I love them and am so very grateful that they love me right back. 

St. Courtney, pray for us sweetie, especially Jman. He misses you something fierce.

We all do sweetheart. So. very. much.