This weeks column written by my brilliantly witty and oh so wonderful spouse, was prompted by my current state of packing or "chaos" as I prepare to leave for Charleston to attend edel15 this weekend. I am currently debating my shoes choices for the weekend and my husband has mentioned more than once that no one will care what I am wearing on my feet, it's me they wish to see.
Just like a man to say...hurumph...what does he know.
Well let's find out shall we...I give you Ma Significant Otter:
So this week I was preparing to write a brilliant post about the male perspective of that certain time in a woman's life called menopause..or I as like to say, a very interesting time of married life defined below:
But, since that has to follow advice from my lamby-pie on how women should really cope with menopause...or as she likes to say "Man, you better pause before you say that or you are going to be missing body parts." But, she is preparing to attend edel15, so her writing time is nil and her packing time is maximized.
Given that 50 percent of her agonizing has been what fabulous footwear she should pack, I thought I would delve into this great mystery to men...SHOES.
Those things made of leather or canvas and thread that keep our feet warm and protect them from sharp objects. Or maybe that's just a man's perspective. I mean really, why do women constantly think about shoes and talk about shoes and dream about shoes?
Or maybe that's just my significant otter.
Yes, it is true that once when we were walking into a DSW (the mecca of "shoe lovers" where the cashiers don't say "next customer" they say "next shoe lover"... which makes my sweetie skip with joy to the register every time) and my +1 actually jumped up and down doing the happy clap dance as she spied what she called her "gold disco ball shoes."
She jumped up and down doing a happy clap. I mean she didn't do that when I got home from a six month deployment.
Needless to say, we went on a furious hunt to find a size 9 1/2 Wide...which left a trail of boxes, tissue paper, and those annoying inserts which I had to quickly stuff back in the boxes as clerks stared at me with some amount of dislike as she triumphantly held up a pair of shoes like the World Cup trophy...yes, she almost did a little Rocky dance in the DSW.
Now, as a guy, I have learned through 17 years of civilian life that a man needs about eight pairs of shoes:
- Black dress shoes
- Brown dress shoes
- Cordovan dress shoes (Reddish to men, burgundy to women, but I did learn the proper name)
- Nice casual shoes
- Casual casual shoes (yes, that's a technical term)
- Flip Flops or sandals
- Hiking boots or hiking sneakers
Now, if you're a dad you probably have slippers, cuz, hey, the kids gotta get you something for Christmas right?
That's it, right? You could even go with a few pairs less if need be.
I figure if you have more shoes than that you probably have a subscription to GQ and use a lot of product in your hair or think that tofu is an acceptable thing to grill at a family cookout.
Now women seem to think that they need--as was patiently explained to me by my beloved...
- Sandals---wedge, flat, dress, casual, Gladiator, flip-flops, sport
- Boots---Ankle boots and booties, combat (speciality sizes for nuns with machetes) and lace up, western boots (for some old fashioned foot stompin??), casual, riding, dress, rain, winter and snow.
- Pumps and heels-- medium and low heel, high heel, ultra-high heel, pointed toe pumps, platforms, wedges
- Flats---ballet, pointed toe, boat shoes and sports
- Oxfords and lace-up
- Loafers and slip ons
And, of course these ALL come in the full spectrum of colors, patterns, and bling....
Then, of course there’s the issue of CHOOSING the right shoes to wear for an event.
My honey, after spending 30-45 minutes going through 4 outfits will come up to me with different shoes on each foot and say:
Honey: “Which of these do you like?”
Now, this isn’t nearly as dangerous as the ol’ “Do these jeans/dress/pants make my butt look big?” trap so often laid for men.
BTW, I encourage all newly married men to learn the proper response to this..which must be given within 1.0 microseconds..sort of like when you’re in air combat and you have a missile in-bound..you must give off chaff and flares quickly...don't even breathe just respond as such...
“NO, honey, those jeans/dress/pants look fabulous…and did I tell you today how much I love you?”
AND much like combat, even the slightest hesitation leads to bad things..like that LOOK from your spouse that says “SO you do think my butt is as wide as a barn?” at which point denial only makes you look like Al Capone on the witness stand.
Therefore, when my honey tries the one-shoe-on-each-foot thing, I try to desperately deflect:
“Well dear, which one do you like?”
This leads to a discussion similar to the:
“What do you want to do on our date?”
“I dunno what do you want to do?”
Until I finally relent and say “I like the one on your left foot.”
AT which point, 60% of the time, my sweetums says
“Okay, I’ll wear the one on the right. I think that goes better with my outfit.”
Leaving my scratching my head going:
“Then why did you ask?”
“Oh, I wasn’t sure, but I figured I would ask you…now I’m sure”
“Glad I could help, honey”
I mean really, there aren’t even that many different kinds of bacon:
- Canadian Bacon is a thicker cut of bacon from the pork loin and most resembles ham.
- Pancetta is Italian bacon that is a type of dry cured meat. This bacon is made from pork belly that has been spiced and salt cured, then dried for three months.
- Ventreche is French-style pancetta.
- Proscuitto is gourmet Italian bacon that has been dry-cured, aged and spiced.
- Serrano is Spanish bacon very similar to Proscuitto.
- Guanciale is unsmoked Italian jowl bacon that is rubbed with spices and cured for three weeks.
- White Bacon, also known as salt pork, is pork belly that is unsmoked and cured with salt.
Well, maybe there are, but that’s an entirely different matter.
In conclusion, I have given up understanding why my significant otter gets as excited about going to DSW as I do the meat aisle of Wegman’s---clearly it is one of those great mysteries, like Trinitarian theology, that we are just not meant to understand in this life.
Just remember ladies, we really, really don’t understand why women contort their feet into those cute pointed heels, we’re just glad you do….oh, look honey, is that a coupon from DSW in the mail?
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The entire medical debt is extensive, approx. $71,000. It's a lot and will take years to whittle down. Anything helps. Anything. So, I will keep it at the bottom of my posts for awhile. You all have already given so much to our family. Our prayers are with you and we are so very grateful. We can never repay that kindness. So thank you...just thank you. If you would like our mailing address, please just email me at email@example.com and I will send it.
Labels: Ma Significant Otter, We Can Do This!!