preparing my heart...

Last week a sweet blog reader and friend sent a little monetary gift in remembrance of my sweet Courtney. I set it aside and prayed about what I should use it for. I knew God and my Court would let me know when the time was right. 

Sunday at the blessing of Courtney's gravestone, it came to me. 

This morning I went to the local nursery with my BFF and we picked out some flowers to plant by Courtney's grave tomorrow. I wanted to spend part of her birthday with her and this way, I get to beautify her gravesite a little. I had only my small gift to spend so I said a prayer as we were adding things up. 

The total cost of what I wanted to get was exactly the amount of the gift. Exactly. God is so very good. 

I have always loved the language of flowers. We chose zinnias for Courtney. Magenta Zinnias that represent Lasting Affection. Mixed Zinnias that represent Thinking (or in Memory) of an Absent Friend and White Zinnias which represent Goodness. I thought these represented my girl well. 

We will go tomorrow morning after Mass and plant them. I promise pictures. 

I spent most of today with my two little four year old friends. It was a good thing. Distraction these days is helpful. I shared several photos of Courtney through the years on instagram, facebook and twitter. It was a balm for my heart to see her smiling face all day long. 

I feel like I have to prepare my heart for tomorrow. The tears come easily as I type this. Its just that I miss her so much. Most days I just keep moving as I walk through the grief. I am productive and feel as if I am making real progress on getting on with life. 

Then I think about tomorrow and I just want her here. I just want her in my arms dammit! I want her back! Her birthday was always such a wonderful day of celebration. I want to celebrate with smothering her face with kisses, making her favorite sausage biscuits with scrambled eggs, making her giggle and laugh, reading her stories, holding her as she sleeps in my arms, feeding her chocolate cake and just soaking up life with her still here. 

But...that is not to be. Tomorrow I will face Courtney's first birthday without her here to spoil. I will face the memories of my beautiful daughter with as much grace and laughter as I can muster. I can do this. I know I can.I think I can. 

Hell. I have no choice. I must. So I will. God help me. I will survive it.  

Thank you to those who donated to Courtney's debt reduction in the last 24 hours. We are only $2089.00 away from paying off the first credit card with her PT, OT and Feeding therapies and supplies used over the last five years. I have updated the numbers below as well.  

It would be such a gift to us to get this one paid off, leaving that monthly payment to be added toward the next credit card which we used for some of her adaptive equipment that insurance called "subjective and not necessary for daily living", such as her tumble form chairs (replacing it three times we used it so much, she wore it out) and some of her home PT supplies. My back still works because we purchased this equipment for her. 

We are running several hundred dollars behind each month at the moment, in what comes in compared to what goes out. By paying off these credit cards, that would bring us even and allow us to take a breath and actually move forward instead of treading water. 

This is the part of raising a special needs child that no one talks about. All the hidden costs and hard decisions you have to make every day on what's going to get paid and what has to wait. so humbling and frustrating, but so very real. 

I also want to thank you all for your emails, cards and letters that have been coming in the mail these last few days. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to write and tell us how our girl impacted your life. SO many wonderful stories. 

I am also praying for those who asked for prayer as well. Thank you for trusting me with your needs. Thank you so much.

God is so very good. So very good. 

Love and Prayers, 


PS. I have fielded many questions about our current financial situation and taken suggestions as well. Thank you so much for your concern. We are using the Dave Ramsey method of debt reduction. It will take us several years to be completely out of debt and that's OK. The last five years of Courtney's life were the most expensive amazingly enough. It's also when ObamaCare started and our health insurance plan changed three times, not in our favor. It's also when we tried several different experimental treatments to help Courtney have better control with her seizures as well as to help her gain wait. None of those were covered by insurance.

We have paid all the large hospital bills and now we are working on paying off the credit cards that were used to pay smaller ER/Hospital bills, medicine co-pays, therapy co-pays, special footwear and therapeutic clothing, therapeutic equipment not covered by insurance, special bedding for her spinal scoliosis, her special food and formula, and the list goes on. We used them when we did not have the cash to pay for all of these different components of her treatment plan.

You can see our current fundraising effort directly below. As each card is paid off, I will put up a new one for those who feel called to help. Thank you so much for your prayers and your practical help. I don't know where we would be without it. Truly I do not. Blessings and Grace to each of you...

help pay off medical debt from caring for our beautiful Courtney  

Our current fundraising goal is $3,209.00 which will eliminate the balance on credit card used for Courtney's PT, OT and Feeding therapies and supplies used over the last five years. We have raised $1120 of it so far. Only $2089.00 to go to pay this one off. If we can raise the full amount, we can pay it off and be that much closer to our larger goal. One thing at a time. Thank you so much for your help. 

The entire medical debt is extensive, now approx. $66,900. It's a lot and will take years to whittle down. Anything helps. Anything. So, I will keep it at the bottom of my posts for awhile. You all have already given so much to our family. Our prayers are with you and we are so very grateful. We can never repay that kindness. So thank you...just thank you. If you would like our mailing address, please just email me at and I will send it.

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