31 days to whole ~ days 29, 30 and 31 ~ forward is the only way to go...

We have come to the end of my little 31 Days to Whole food and writing experiment. I will say that it was easier than I though it would be when it comes to the actual food part. Yes, I did want to roll myself in potato chips from time to time but overall it wasn't too bad. It truly is mind over matter. 

I put my mind to it and I was 90% successful. It really helped that I lost weight in the process thereby opening up half of my closet for me to wear once again. Having some choices in my wardrobe is a HUGE motivator for me these days. 

The harder part was working my way through my emotions. Grief is tough to navigate from time to time. It can trigger emotional overeating in the blink of an eye. I had to work to understanding what my triggers were and how to make  my way through them without stuffing them down with ice cream or whatever else I could find in the house. 

I look at food differently now. I know that I can make better choices and not allow the devil to whisper in my ear and tell me I am not enough and that I should just give up and give into the grief and the emotions that come right along with it. 

This journey of grief will be a life long one. Just because my Courtney has physically left this life, it doesn't mean that our relationship can so easily be set aside. I loved her from the moment I knew of her existence and that love continues to grow even though she is now in heaven with the Lord. 

Throughout these 31 days so many unexpected things have happened. I have felt Courtney's strong presence with me throughout this process. It's almost as if she was standing on the sidelines, cheering me on. It's amazing to me to know that my daughter now stands outside of time. She is with me always, just on the other side of the veil. 

That deep desire to hold her in my arms one more time no longer weighs upon me as heavily as it once did. I know that Our Blessed Mother will hold her until I can again one day. That is if she can catch my girl as I am sure she is running and dancing as she goes about doing the work of the Lord. 

I did not expect to take on a new challenge so soon after Courtney's death. But when God asks you to jump and trust Him to catch you, then you jump. He has allowed me to fail in the past, so that I can lean on Him more, so that I can take the next step in our relationship, deepening that intimacy and trust between us. 

Today is the Feast of ALL Saints. This is when we Catholics, call upon and ask ALL holy men and women who have gone before us to pray with us as we continue this walk of life. My Courtney is now a part of the Communion of Saints. How awesome is that! 

Tomorrow is the Feast of ALL Souls, honoring those who have died, specifically praying for those souls who have no one to pray for them. Once again Courtney is front and center in our lives. She suffered greatly on this earth and many a night I would pray as I held her, that all her suffering would aid those who needed it. I can only imagine what good those prayers combined with her sufferings obtained for the kingdom of God. 

Jerry and I will go to our daughters grave and lay flowers. We will attend Mass in her honor and we will celebrate who she was and now who she is in the Lord. We honor our daughter in death as we did in her life. With dignity, grace and love. 

It is no coincidence that the 31 Days to Whole experiment ended and the three days of Hallowmas begin. How awesome is God's timing? I didn't even think about it when I first started. But then I didn't have to. God already had it planned out for me. 

I start my new job on Tuesday. Tomorrow I have my two little four year olds for our last day together. It will be hard to say goodbye to our time together. They have played a huge roll in my healing after Courtney's death.  To have the laughter of a child in this house again was such a blessing to me and to Jerry. I will hold them close to my heart for as long as I live. My two angels who brought such joy. Thank you Miss Emma and Miss Lily. I love you like my own and I will miss you both so much. 

Onward my friends. Forward is the only way to go. Doing the work God has called me to and praying that I get it right. Say a pray that the transition to full-time work goes well for me and for Jerry. It's going to require a level of flexibility that has not been needed in quite a few months.

St. Courtney, Pray 4 Us!


See you soon, 

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