Oh what a day.
Apparently a blizzard is on the way in the next 36 hours and people around here have gone absolutely cray cray. I made the determination that I had to go to the grocery store yesterday. It couldn't be avoided. I needed a few fresh items and laundry detergent. This way I could do ALL the laundry before we lose power during the blizzard.
Clean underwear and I, we have a very close relationship.
Anyhoo, I made my list and headed out to not one, but TWO different stores. I know, I know, I am a few months behind on my mental health check.
Wegmans was busy and packed but everyone was courteous and there were even a few smiles given. I mean smiling shoppers AND staff?? Sheesh who did they think they were?? Didn't they understand that rudeness and impatience are all the rage??
After loading my car with detergent, toilet paper and a few other items, I headed over to the pretentious mecca known as Whole Foods. Now don't get me wrong. I like their store. They have things I need that I cannot find anywhere else, unless I can find them on-line. I needed to get some beef marrow bones to make more bone broth while I had the time.
As I made my way through the extremely packed produce department, I got stuck between two shoppers and the naval oranges. I needed to get around said oranges and get to the fennel. As I was trying to manuver my cart, a petite blond, well-dressed in her North Face faux fur lined coat, Tory Burch flats and Kate spade purse (yes, I notice), stared me down and as she bulldozed her way past me looked at me and said "fat ass" storming over to the organic grass fed eggs.
She looked at me...in the eye...and said "fat ass"...and walked away.
First I was shocked. Seriously lady? Then I murdered her twelve different ways in my mind, then my mouth opened and shut like a fish, then my brain kicked in. I came very close to walking over to confront her. My inner Xena Irish Princess Warrior Street Fighter I Know How to Box, like serious legit boxing (six brothers and all) was begging to be released to show this little twig what I thought of her remark.
Amazingly enough, I kept my feet firmly planted and started an inner dialogue with myself. It went a little like this:
"oh no she didn't (with finger snaps). who do you think you are you skinny little...please please Lord help me to control my temper. Courtney your Mama needs your intercession right now honey. I am about to do something very stupid. What crawled up your spiralized veggies and died? Maybe you need to eat more pasta lady. I mean for realz. I could snap you like a twig. Oh Father God help me. Allow me to take this humiliation for someone who needs the help right now. Courtney girl, intercede for this woman. She is angry. She needs the Lord. She needs to feel love. Such nastiness. Such rudeness. Get a grip Mary. You are strong. You are beautiful. The Lord delights in you. You are a daughter of the King. All is well with my soul. Deep breaths girlfriend. Deep breaths. Lady I don't have a "fat ass". I have no ass. I have the belly of Santa Claus though, so if you are going to insult me, at least get the body part right. After all, Santa was always jolly cuz he had cookies....you nasty little chocolate chip...wait, I shouldn't insult chocolate that way..Father God I am choosing to love right now. I choose YOU Lord. I choose YOU! Breathing in...breathing out...The Lord is my stronghold, my deliverer, my strength."
It took me a moment or two as all of this was spinning in my mind before I realized my hands had a death grip on my cart, my face felt hot and I was shaking.
Words have power and even though I know who I am and am very comfortable in my own skin, stretch marked as it is, it still stung. I thought about her saying that to someone who wasn't as thick skinned and confident. How devastated would they have been? What would that moment have done to them?
I remembered what my Mama used to say when I was struggling in high school with my ever changing body "You have to love yourself before you can love another." I looked up and the blond---my "fat ass" that's real---breathe in---and out---had moved on, so I decided to do the same.
Even though I didn't need anything else, I walked up and down every.single.aisle. of that store and prayed. I smiled and nodded, picked a box of rice off the high shelf for a petite little Mama who was having a hard time reaching it. I prayed all the way through that store.
By the time I made it back to the car, I was filled with joy. I did it. Well, God did it, but I listened and followed His lead. I still need to go to confession. I still need to continue to lift all these little annoyances to the Lord, but I felt good. I felt strong. I felt sorry for that woman who had nothing but hatred to spread.
I thought "Eat some more pasta sweetie. Pasta makes everything better." Hangry doesn't look good on anyone.
Labels: finding joy, positive body image, prayer life