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| best smile on the planet! |
Yep...it's Tuesday...I said I would be back on Sunday...that was two days ago...yes, I am still behind the eight ball here...way behind...it seems this is where I am destined to be for awhile...these days I am struggling in the deep, dark caverns of my brain...it's sticky in there...lot's of doors to open and corners to turn...there are heavy decisions to make...medical...financial...things about the future...my future...Courtney's future...our extended family...what's for dinner...home decorating...what color should I paint the kitchen?...the bathroom?...my nails?...Did you know it's the first day of Spring?...The sun is shinning...the birds are chirping...people are wearing shorts and flip flops...me?...I feel like I am in mourning for a life I thought I would have...that my daughter would have...the whole "trust God with your very breath" thing is really freaking hard...why does it have to be so hard?...why do I have to struggle with it so?...are my prayers really being answered?...is anyone listening up there?..."Hello, God?...it's me Mary...this is really freaking hard...this whole "grace and mercy" thing...this whole 'plan' you have for me and Miss Courtney...you think maybe you could spill a few of the details...show me the plan, man...no seriously...I need a map...a road to follow...right now I am swimming in the deep end of the ocean and my arm floaties are deflating...there are so many dreams yet to be achieved...at least for me...Court holds hers pretty tight to the chest if you know what I mean...so many things we want to do...experience...Hello God? are you still there?...or have you moved on...I'm feeling like your moving on and I am still standing here wondering what exactly I am supposed to do...I gotta say...it's a little grey...hmmm...grey...dove grey...that's a lovely color for Miss Courtney's room...I could learn to love grey...hmmm...Hello God?...grey will be OK right?...it's gonna be OK...right?...Hello God?...it's me Mary...what color is mercy?...what color is grace?...I want my home to be overflowing with your colors...loving and caring for my daughter is all I know how to do...do you think maybe I could do it for a lot while longer...like years and years...yep...that sounds like a plan I could get behind...let's go with that one...dove grey walls...here we come..."
Mary, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I pray that your prayers will be answered - all of them. And I think dove grey is a gorgeous colour :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts and prayer today. I feel so moved by your transparent vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is a such source of light!
I can see the love of God shining through you in the beautiful love that have for your daughter:)
Blessings to you dear ones.
Happy Spring:)
wonderful post, Mary. I've been there myself- often - and I'm sure I'll be there again one day again soon.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I heard this past week really resonated with me. When I'm feeling alone and overwhelmed and really afraid it's not going to be okay, I remind myself, "I'm here, God's here, and that's enough." Then I take a deep breath. So far, that helps.
Hang in there. You are not alone - ever - and with God, that is enough.
Thanks for sharing. It helps me knowing I'm not alone, either.
Sending prayers your way - Lisa
I don't know what to say, but saying nothing won't do. I pray for you every time I think of you or Courtney. There's very little a gal from Iowa can do for a gal on the East Coast. Wish I could bring you dinner or something, but I can only offer my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis was truly beautiful. I am praying so hard for you guys. I feel I wish the same things as you, FOR you, and similar wishes when applicable for me and my family. I don't think God minds when we question him. In struggling we grow, and He will be with us, waiting, even if we think He has moved on.
ReplyDeleteI love you Mary...all of you. Praying!!
Hugs...and nail color: Lucky Lucky Lavender...it's what I chose yesterday after Alex had a CAT scan after a rugby smash up...mild concussion. This is what gives us gray hairs...and for that I recommend L'Oreal...and chocolate...and virtual hugs fro NJ.
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