In the spirit and hysterically funny tradition of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..." I bring to you the very first edition of my sometimes funny sometimes psychotic "You might be Courtney's mother if..."
You might be Courtney's mother if...
...as you are feeding the Princess a fabulous lunch of ground up sweet potatoes when she decides that she wants to help. Within 30 seconds she grabs at the bowl of sweet potatoes startling you thereby causing you to loose your grip on the bowl and in slow motion you watch as Courtney kicks the bowl out of your hand and it sails across the kitchen landing on your newly cleaned kitchen rug, shattering into a million little sweet potato splattering pieces. The kitchen was finally clean approximately three hours later. There may or may not have been some colorful metaphors spewing forth from my mouth...I don't remember. I have tried to block the hideous memory from my consciousness.
...as you are driving down Rt 66 on your way to taking MIss Courtney to PT, look in the rearview mirror and realizing that she is going to sneeze, reach back with a tissue to try to cover her mouth. While doing so, said sneeze takes place and a large glob of snot lands on the shoulder of your white top. Said glob of snot may or may not have been a hideous green color (thanks you sinus infection) leaving a lovely green pea soup like stain. Oh yeah...that's sexy.
...as you are taking your happily singing daughter through the local grocery store, upon turning the corner of the canned green bean display forget to pull your daughters wheelchair far enough away so she will not kick said display leading to "Clean up in aisle 8"...oh how fun was that??? not so much...
...watch your daughter kick her Papa in the bum pushing him off balance and straight into the laundry pile, then start laughing like a hyena. Hmmmm...I thought they said she was blind?? Blind my patootey!
...are feeding Miss Courtney one of her favorite meals, a spinach souffle, and right in the middle of swallowing a rather large spoonful, she decides to sneeze...that laundry pile of very clean and sparkly whites sitting right next to you...is now dotted with icky green. Back to the washing machine we go...yippee!!
...if your hubby is getting physically ill, your daughter goes into a six minute seizure and the UPS man is at the door needing a signature all at the same time. This doesn't happen in your house? Imagine this...I yell "I'll be right there" to the stunned looking gentlemen in the brown uniform staring at me through the glass door as I throw my hubby a towel to cover his mouth as he is running to the loo, all while pulling Miss C along in her purple chair so I can monitor her seizure. There may have been a moment when I slipped on the floor thereby causing me to do the splits my body was never meant to do, thereby causing me to scream in pain all while Courtney looks like a pulsating flamingo bird with one leg up and one leg out and foaming at the mouth. I may have crawled to the door to have the UPS man hand me the package while I am still seated on the floor, so I could sign his stupid board. Imagine this horrific moment beautifully choreographed to the sounds of my sweet hubby throwing up his right lung. I think the UPS man may need therapy...just sayin...hell...I need therapy...
...if you take Courtney up to receive Communion and just as the priest places Jesus in her mouth, she lets one rip...loudly and proudly...you may or may not hang your head in mortification as you recognize that when your daughter is happily singing for Jesus...she sings with everything she has...help me??? please???
...as the doctor is checking her nose to make sure the recent sinus infection is completely gone. Miss Courtney decides to stick her tongue out and make a raspberry FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME right into the Doctors face...then laugh. such.a.proud.mama.moment. Again...I'm thinking this "blind" thing needs to be revisited.
oh my friends...look at this face...there is no innocence there...trust me. She is sly and calculated and she loves to sneeze with her mouth full of food.
...but we love her anyway...Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life
