Of course as any reader of this blog knows, discouragement and frustration come and sometimes is is darn hard to overcome them. Each day is a journey that we take with Jesus walking beside us loving us as we love our children. THIS JOURNEY IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER MOTHERS!! We just have to deal with more trauma and drama on a daily basis, that's all.
So I asked Kathy the following:
2. Put yourself in my shoes in the grocery store parking lot. What would you have said in response?
Kathy V. - "I would have smiled and reminded the person not to compare their struggles to my own. God gives us each a unique cross; mine is not hers. It's okay to need to vent about life a little, that's what friends do for one another -- we listen. Just because you are not changing adult diapers or feeding your teenage child a sippy cup to make sure that they receive the proper protein in their diet through nutritional supplements doesn't mean that what the Lord has given you to handle is any less significant than what He has given me. It's just different.
In essence, I would diffuse the situation by given the person permission to complain to me. I would still be there to listen; I would not be there to judge their sufferings against my own, or to think,"How dare they waste my time with their trivial matters, when my life is what it is!" I'm sure that is the fear that strikes most people who find themselves complaining to me about carpools, kid issues, etc. I'm not offended by your trials, I am here to listen and help."
Mary L. - "I totally agree with that, accept in this case it was a serial offender and I thought it was best to run. I will say that the word that did me in was "awful". There are many things that are "awful" in life, Courtney is NOT one of them. I have said enough on that topic...moving on..."
3. Someone's loved one is diagnosed with XYZ. What do you say to them?
Kathy V. - "First: "I heard about XYZ, how are you?" That is often enough to ask in order to get a sense of where the person is in relation to the diagnosis.
Second: "Do you need to talk?" Sometimes just the offer to listen or to hold someone while they cry is what our mission is when a loved one receives an ugly diagnosis. (Remember: an ugly diagnosis can range from allergies to cancer -- it is the state of mind and soul of the person that determines the reaction to bad news)
Third: MAKE IT ABOUT THEM! While we all have experiences and information, sometimes it is important to hold off until the person has had a chance to digest what has just happened to them. Comforting statements like, "I understand", "I'm here for you", "What do you need from me?" will help the person realize they are not alone. "
Mary L. - "As my mother used to say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." The other thing is it's really OK to say "I don't know what to say?". There are many situations we are faced with in life that words fail us. Just hug them and let them know your there. Be sincere in your support. Be honest and be present when they need a shoulder to cry on. DON'T counsel...LISTEN and pray with them if they are open to it. Kathy's third point is crucial. Make it about them and where they are.
One other thing...I have what I call my "Sunshine Brigade". These are other woman in my life that I go to when I need help out of my pit. This rainbow runs both ways for me. I listen to them, they listen to me. I am blessed to be surrounded by such good friends. They have proven over the years to be faithful and uplifting whenever I am in need of some positive input. I encourage anyone who is going through difficulty to find someone positive that can be your go to person on those difficult days.
So my friends, what have people said to you that you found healing and helpful during your time of need? What have they said that you wished you could stuff back into their mouths?
Be honest and open. Let's talk about this so we can be in support of one another no matter what challenges we face.
Blessings and Grace,
Mary
8 comments:
Love these entries with Kathy V!
A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.
A faithful friend is beyond price, no sum can balance his worth.
A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds;
For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.
Sirach 6:14-17
Maria,
I couldn't agree with you more. I LOVE this verse. I have it in my kitchen by my phone to remind myself when someone reaches out where my head and heart should be.
Blessings and Grace...
Sirach is one of my favorite books in the OT. There is so much wisdom there that is timeless. Thanks for your words of encouragement, MaRia! I'm glad you're enjoying our collaborative effort.
Blessings,
Kathy V.
Hi Mary,
I’m one of Kathy’s friends. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts. Although I could be mistaken, I don’t think your parking lot friend meant to be hurtful or that your daughter is awful. She said that your life is awful for her to contemplate. Because she follows with, ‘I just could NOT do what you do.” - I think she means she can’t even begin to imagine how she could possibly handle the difficulties. Really, she’s putting herself down and complimenting you! Of course, you know your life is difficult at times, but it is very, very far from awful. And hey, if she’s being truthful, at least you give her a reason to be grateful to God for her presumably less complicated life. And it seems she has less to complain about because of you. Good, right?
I do agree with Kathy that everyone has a cross to bear (sometimes multiple crosses). I learned a long time ago not to compare the weight of my cross to that of others. What may seem trivial to one person may actually be excruciating for someone else. So, maybe your friend needs some reassurance that it is okay for her to vent (complain) about her bad days to you and that she shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
Your discussion with Kathy reminded me of something that I experienced way back when I was in High School. It’s similar to what you guys have been talking about. My older brother has cerebral palsy and is practically completely deaf. He’s managed to accomplish everything he was told he could never do. Anyway, a guy I was dating stopped by to visit me one afternoon. After he met my brother he said to me, “I feel so sorry for him!” I looked at him quizzically and exclaimed, “Why? What on earth for?” I was truly annoyed with his comment. He replied something like, “It must be so hard for him to go through life like that.” Thinking he was showing sympathy or compassion, he actually pitied my brother and it irritated me. Rather sharply I replied, “He’s just like the rest of us. He can be just as annoying as any other brother! We don’t treat him any differently and he doesn’t want to be treated any differently!”
I don’t think anyone appreciates being pitied particularly by folks who really don’t know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes – particularly by folks who don’t understand the sheer joy that loving and caring for those with disabilities brings. I think that’s also part of the message your friend was conveying. She feels sorry for you. And maybe you’re wondering what on earth for?
A lot of people are so uncomfortable around those with disabilities and I suppose around those who are close to them, too. My brother and I have discussed this often. I think about it all the time. It seems to me, they are uncomfortable and awkward and make thoughtless comments because they are reminded of their own imperfections, their own difficulties, their own suffering and they are left feeling very vulnerable. What they don’t know is that they are witnessing true beauty. A beauty that is so very contradictory to the world’s beauty. It’s the beauty of the Cross; the beauty that leads us to Him.
God bless you, Mary! And God bless your Courtney – she is stunningly beautiful!!
Hi Darby,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I totally see your point and I suppose most days I would have said what both you and Kathy suggest. However, everyone has a bad day and that was one of mine.
Great story about your brother. I think it all boils down to recognizing the dignity of the person, no matter what their abilities or disabilities. God does not make mistakes.
Blessings and Grace...
Thank you Mary and Kathy for sharing all of this with us.
I have some personal thoughts I would like to share with regards to what to say and what not to say;
Having suffered from Anxiety most of my life and some mild depression, I was in a place about a year ago where I was in a deep depression. A friend was trying to help, but kept trying to tell me all I should be grateful for, and how blessed I was to have this and that. When you are in a deep depression, that is not helpful. What is helpful, is "what can I do to help, I can only imagine what you must be going through, etc."
Finally what pulled me out was admitting that I did need medication, and a lot of prayer, especially the rosary.
Mary,
I know that we have to first look to our own behaviors and responses to assess our dealings with other, i.e., if I had responded differently I never would have felt this way.
I struggle, however, with allowing you to think that you had a bad day in responding to the woman in the parking lot. I think that perhaps you were caught off guard by the comments and that reacting to her in the moment may not have been the wisest thing. That was prudence on your part. Sometimes looking stunned by a comment is even better than uttering a response as far as effect.
Take the pressure off, we need to know when to respond and when to hold our tongues. That's also is Sirach!
Blessings,
Kathy
So many interesting points, what to comment on is difficult.
I like Kathy's charitable approach, and honestly I wish I could be more like that. But, sometimes it's raining, the cat threw up on me, the dog ate my shoe, I have 1000 errands and am running late, and when I run into "Mrs. Insert Foot in Mouth", it is very difficult to be nice. Normally I am in the "stunned" category, and end up getting mad, but never saying anything to the offender. Like Mary, who did manage to be nice in this situation. Thanks be to God.
I agree with the general assessment to listen to the other person and be nice. That said, there are always the complainers who never see the rainbow, only the mud. For them, I think it is better to use the quick getaway approach. You can't sin if you remove yourself from the temptation (to be rude and uncharitable).
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