XYZ: We are hanging in there. It's been a tough few weeks. Nothing like you deal with everyday though.
Me: What do you mean?
(at this point I should have just smiled, wished her well and went on my way, but I did not. Lesson learned.)
XYZ: Well, I just don't know how you handle everything with Courtney day in and day out. It's got to be so difficult. I tell you, even on my worst day, my life doesn't compare. When things are going badly for me I just think of you and your life and I thank God I'm not you. I mean your life is just so awful to contemplate. I just could NOT do what you do. It actually makes me feel better about my day. You inspire me not to complain.
Me: (smile PLASTERED on my face, trying not to GROWL) I'm so glad I could help you out with that. Gotta go...take care.
XYZ: Give Court a hug from me.
I smiled and waved all the while casting dispersions upon her personhood. So far Monday's sin score is Devil - 1, Mary - 0.
*warning...sailor language coming*
Note to anyone else who thinks my life is complete s*#@ because I have a child with profound special needs. Look at this face and tell me what is so hard about loving this soul:
PLEASE...when you are trying to encourage someone (I am CHOOSING to be positive here and give her the benefit of the doubt) DO NOT to say things like this. It's downright insulting people.
Yes, there are difficult days where I eat chocolate bunnies or worse yet, wallow in self-pity. I am human after all, sorry to disappoint anyone who has placed me at Super Hero status. Just flesh and bone here doing my best to live the life God has granted me as well as I can. Some days better than others.
As for the intergalactic plan that placed this beautiful soul in my care, God is God and I am not. He knows the plans He has for this child and for me. I do not. What I DO know is that I love her with everything in me and I WOULD NOT CHANGE THIS BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY FOR ALL THE TEA IN CHINA!
Side Note - Yes, I did say many nasty things in my head as I stomped back to my car. No, I did not run over the woman above with my car or become physically violent in any way. I did not curse her children or steal the chocolate from her grocery cart. This is not to say I did not think about doing any or ALL of these things to her and more.
Be positive! Be encouraging! LOVE as you are loved by your Creator.
Don't be rude to a menopausal mother. It's just plain unpleasant for all of us.
Blessings and Grace,
Mary
15 comments:
Mary,
I understand your angst, but to be honest, and this may sound arrogant -- I don't mean it to -- those who don't do what we do day in and day out, probably couldn't do it! That's not what God has asked of them. Sure, that wasn't the most loving and tactful thing for XYZ to say, but at least she was honest.
Court is the most wonderful, curly-topped blonde I know, and you make caring for her look easy. But, XYZ recognized wisely that it's not as easy as it looks all the time. You simply accept the grace to do it gracefully!
God bless you and try to contain the sailor language. LOL
Love ya,
Kathy
Sigh. That woman needs prayer. and you need ((((((((hugs))))))))). God bless.
Hope the people you meet for the rest of day shine Christ's light a little better for you.
Let me admit, though, Mary...b/c we go way back and I know you'll be honest with me--except for the "your life is so awful to contemplate" line, some of what she says is how i feel. maybe it's not so much what someone says but the tone and how well they know you, ie. stuff my husband can get away saying to me that a stranger wouldn't, etc. but like i have you on my site as a "mom who helps me count my blessings." i started thinking, i wonder if that is offensive? you can tell me straight! just b/c i think we-**I**-can get so caught up in our own lives and problems and to think about someone who has a day in and day out struggle reminds us not just that our load is not so heavy, but that we need to reach out to help another. what do you think? i mean, when one of my children gets "minor" sick and it throws us and our schedule for a loop, i think about people whose children have chronic conditions (such as the mom i read whose girl has juvenile diabetes) and remember they do it daily with so much grace, and i guess i do draw inspiration , or try to, from that. i don't know....do you think the underlying message from her was good at heart (you inspire me! i see the hands of Christ at work in you!) even though her delivery (man your life sucks, too bad so sad) was rude & offensive? let me know your honest thoughts....i'll check back here :))
since we are miles away i know you won't come after me with a grocery cart, right? :)))
m
ps-- :))
i struggled with this "what NOT to say" when my good friend found out her baby would have downs. do i say "i am so sorry" which implies that something is inadequate about her child but really means i hurt for the dreams that you have for your child that will not come to be OR do i say "what a blessing! god trusted you with this! He has so much faith in you!" which can seem insensitive like "oh you don't even know what all i will be going through, easy for you to call it a blessing"
you know?
I am sure I have said my share of stupid things in my life and so I will apologize for all the ignorant people in the world (of which I am right now a spokes-person :)
Once I was dropping food from our garden at a foodbank. A woman in the elevator looked at me (and my 4 kids) and said, "no more children"...eish! Initially I wanted to say, "I am just dropping food off", but later I thought, how much worse that comment would have been to someone who did need a little help! I hope I can help that mother who does need help and has been blessed with her children.
Courtney and all children are blessings from God!
Hmmm, Kathy... I think there's a difference between "your life is not easy" and "your life is just so awful to contemplate."
Mary,
I only hope that someday, should the Lord bless me to be a mother, that I too could love so selflessly the way you do. You are most certainly a glorious witness in my life and Courtney is simply a beautiful human being.
Thank you for all that you do.
Most Sincerely,
Alyssa
MaRia,
Thank you for your honesty and openness. You and Kathy have both made me think a little deeper today about my reaction to this misguided soul.
Being an "inspiration" or "helping someone count their blessings" is not offensive to me ever. I am inspired by many whose lives look nothing like mine. I am humbled and honored you would think that. I also know your heart. That is not always the case.
I just want to be authentic on this blog. That means talking about the good, bad and the ugly. What I struggle with the negativity that people attach to my life. As mother's we all struggle no matter what path God puts us on. It could be that we have many children, no children or children with special needs or any combination thereof. Each of us is given challenges that are unique to our families and those in them.
I don't look at me life as awful. It can be stressful and demanding with Courtney's ups and downs but then so is having sick children or ten children etc... It's just my life. It's the only one I have and if I thought what that woman was thinking, how horrible would be daily existence be? I get one shot at this and I want to do my best and sometimes I fall short.
I think that we should always try to reach for the positive. Acknowledging what is tough (Yes, this is not how I thought things would be) while also knowing that ANYTHING is survivable with God as my partner. However, I must ask Him into the conversation and I admit there are times I don't.
It's about being supportive of each other and being empathetic of the others current situation. Not judging them or their current circumstance. It would have been better for this individual to say nothing than what she chose to say. I could have not reacted so negatively as well. There is a lesson here for me too.
Please continue to be honest with me. This is a conversation that needs to happen. I learn something each time something like this happens. Humility does not come naturally to this Irish woman. LOL!
Blessings and grace to you...
M-
Sorry, chicky, but I have to chime in. Because a friend of mine once reminded me that if we all were to lay our crosses down and get to choose another, we'd snatch our own right back up so quickly heads would spin. (wonder who that was??)
But people are limited to their own experience, and to many, a child with any disabilities let alone profound ones would just be too much. What they don't realize is that C is a joy and a blessing - and That your love for her and even your need for her as your daughter is no different than that for J - apart from the obvious, that you love each of your children differently and for who they are. That your family has evolved as a unit for nearly 2 decades. (and frankly, some of the fully abled petunias sitting in the backseat of mom's car would be equally stressful!)
I remember mom telling me how grateful she was that the 5 of us were so healthy because she lost the one who was not. And in her life, that was true. But had he lived, her life would have simply been different.
What can be so frustrating is the backhanded compliment or encouragement - like when I lost my job and people said things like "well, at least you don't have children!" Firstly, what does one have to do with the other and secondly, why are you thankful I am childless? I know what they MEAN, but srsly, sometimes I want to use some of that sailor language. Loudly. In the person's hearing.
So, Mary, I don't know how we can teach the ones who speak thusly to us - because that is where the teaching moment is needed. Do I respond "Yes, it is a good thing I am alone and childless" Do you say, "Thank you for your encouragement" or should we be willing to take the conversation to the next step - because the next step is towards deeper intimacy with our "assailant" - or perhaps towards sounding like we are crazy! Are you willing to risk that the next time someone says, "I don't know how you do it, poor soul"?
Marjanna - The gift of this post has been the realization that I need to be ready to "risk" my own comfort the next time I am presented with this issue.
So it's time to put my big girl pants on and figure out an answer...
Always a challenge from the Man Upstairs. He never let's me stay in one place for too long.
Blessings and Grace,
Mary
Wow. Aren't you glad you aren't HER though? I am.
Love you Mar.
Love all the Len's...
Letter coming your way this week.
:) Cza
@ Peony: I said she was tactless...but, people who are uncomfortable tend not to have too much tact. Sometimes people say the strangest things when their nervous.
@ Mary:
I would imagine she was trying to be complimentary, in a very awkward and uncomfortable way once she realized that she was complaining to you about the mundane. But, she stuck her foot in her mouth all the way up to her kneecap.
It happens -- it's unfortunate, but it happens. You smile and you remind them of the many blessings that accompany having a child with special needs, or any child.
Sometimes, like Mary so aptly pointed out, it gets to you. Yes, life is hard; it's not unbearable, if anything it's amazing in a loving, sacrificial kind of way. Isn't that the way you are supposed to love your family?
You be authentic, Mary. I know exactly what you were feeling. I was just trying to help you see the other side, my friend. Remember, I am typically on the receiving end of those comments just like you.
Love ya,
Kathy
Kathy,
You are correct that sometimes it does get to me (and you). Thank you for walking along side me and whispering in my ear that sometimes tactless happens. Don't let it ruin my day.
ML
You know how some people, who don't like or ever want children seem so lost? We KNOW what they are missing and yet no matter how much we try to show them...they just can't see it?
And you know how people look at families like mine (with 10 kids) and say things like, "You know...they can fix that in the outpatient's surgery office"...or ... well...I won't defile your blog space with more details than that...but believe me...it gets worse...
And you know how people that go from marriage to marriage to marriage look at a troubled couple trying to hang on as "foolish" "irresponsible" or just plain "dumb"? While those of us persevering and surrendering all to Christ KNOW it is worth it?
Well Mary...that's the ballpark your "friend" comes from...and the words that come immediately to my heart when I read those unfathomable comments are:
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do"...
I pray that one day, that poor destitute woman will learn that:
1) loving unconditionally is NOT awful
2) trusting in God's plan for each soul on earth is NOT awful
3) seeing that every single created life is a beautiful and PERFECT one is NOT awful
4) putting your feet on the floor again and again and again in the mornings that follow a horrendously difficult night is NOT awful
5) and finding JOY in family life, trials, challenges, sorrows, frustrations, disappointments, and ALL.....is NOT awful
Funny...but that lady and I are very different...for I don't pity you or shy away from your stories Mary...I find myself longing to know the love, know the beauty, know the grace, and know the perfect, innocent JOY that you know by getting to be the mother of Miss Courtney.
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL...and yours, especially so my friend.
Life is indeed beautiful and so is Courtney!
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