For the past week I have made sure to get up before everyone else so that I had some quiet time. Just me and God in the silence of the living room. I have read a lot of scripture and many a meditation in that time. I have read a lot about detachment to things of this world so that we cling harder to Christ. There has been scripture after scripture about trusting God with every aspect of my life about believing in a merciful God no matter what difficulty befalls you or what hardship your experiencing.
I have been slowly sifting through all of this, walking with Him each day working through some long standing issues I have about trust and God's plan for my life. I woke up with a troubled heart this morning. It happens that way sometimes. In my sleep I toss and turn with concern and little worries. If worry burned any calories, I would be runway model thin by now.
It is no secret that I struggle from time to time with trusting God with ALL the things in my life. I tend to trust Him with the BIG stuff like my daughter or my husbands job or our finances. I have written about the woman of great faith before
but it's the little things that I have trouble with.
So God decided that today would be a fabulous day for a POP quiz! That's right my friends. By this afternoon my little bubble came crashing down and God really pushed every panic button I have to see if I really truly believed that He would provide everything I needed.
First my laptop died. I mean it took my husband several hours to retrieve what could be retrieved and now it's just a sad shell of plastic. There is no money in the budget to purchase the type of laptop I would like so not only did God test me on panicking over the loss of information and portable freedom, but he is also challenging me in the financial hot spot. Do I really need a laptop or is it just a convenience?? Do I really trust God to provide everything I truly NEED???
After I worked my way through that little diddy, He handed me another test of trust. My beautiful sweet Courtney had a series of seizures (five in four hours) that were very difficult to watch and even more difficult for Courtney to endure. These were the nasty kind...lots of red faces tinging purple, general tonic clonic grand mall nastiness. Do I trust God with my girl?? Do I trust that every time she suffers there is a higher purpose for it that I may never see this side of heave?? Do I trust that He will tell my heart when the last seizure will come?? That He and His most Blessed Mother will walk with me through ALL of it??
Then He just tore the roof off. I had gone to the bathroom and not to be indelicate, something was not right. REALLY not right. So I ended up in the E.R. with a minor panic attach thinking I had kidney stones and came out two hours latter with a severe bladder infection. Do I trust that there will be someone to love and care for my profoundly disabled daughter if I cannot?? Am I listening to my body and what it's trying to tell me about my stress level??
So here I am at the end of the day feeling just plain exhausted. How did I do with my POP quiz??
#1 - Well, we don't need a laptop, it's just convenient and there are other things that take priority right now. Thank you LORD that I backed everything but my email up. That I can recreate.
#2 - Courtney rests in the crook of Our Lords arms and has from the beginning. This journey will not be an easy one but then hat in life is. So we walk each day as it comes and we will continue to love her as best as we can everyday that God grants us the privilege.
#3 - God only gave me one of these bodies, I had best pay attention! I need to find a better balance. Stress is kicking my a** at the moment. I need a food revolution followed by a zen revolution. This will take time and I need to be patient with my self as I continue the changes.
In today's gospel Jesus said: "And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction." Mark 5:34
Then He said "Taking the child by the hand, He said to her, "Talitha kum!" (which translated means, "Little girl, I say to you, get up!"). Immediately the girl got up and began to walk..." Mark 5:41-42
So I will rise from my mat and get on with it. I will resist the call of chocolate and settle for an extra helping of veggies. I will take some long clensing breaths before bed and make sure I have plenty of time to exersise.
For this moment though, I aced that dam quiz! I just hope He who is the Great Teacher calls in sick for tomorrow!!
Thank you for ALL of your prayers. I felt each and every one of them.
Labels: Courtney's World, My Crazy Life