grief and a sucker punch...

This was the last photograph ever taken of my sweet Courtney two days before she entered heaven. I was singing to her and she smiled and laughed for the last time. 

15 months ago, life changed forever.

That smile, those awesome buck teeth, those curls.  

My daughter, my sweet lanky legged, blue-eyed wonder took her last breath wrapped up in my arms. 

My baby girl closed her eyes here and opened them in heaven.

I feel like I have lived 15 lifetimes since then. 

Today my heart aches for her and the simplicity that was our life together. This will be our second Easter without her and damn that is hard to handle some days. 

I know she is free and happy and working hard for the Lord but today that is little consolation for my mothers heart.

I often think about what she saw in those first moments in heaven.

What color are Jesus's eyes? Blue like my girls or brown? Did she smile? Laugh? Giggle like a school girl with her first crush?

Did she run into His arms? Or did He run to sweep her into His arms?

I don't know but when grief seizes my heart, I think about what she sees every moment and how happy she must be. The tears flow freely and I weep until my heart is at peace again or I have run out of tears. 

Today that sharp heart pain came swiftly. I went to the mailbox and to my great surprise this lovely little gem greeted me.

 ‪#‎whatthewhat‬ 

A bill from Courtney's last ER visit in August of 2014!! 

You notice the prepared date...2/19/16. We have been going round and round for the last year with this and we have now arrived at the final number after insurance has done their thing. That being said, we are still fighting it. After all it started at $10,000.00. Yep. You read that right. She underwent a crapton of testing that all led to the same conclusion. She was dying. It was her last ER/PICU admission.

I was not prepared to see this today. I mean it just came down on me like a sledgehammer. She's gone and that is not going to change...EVER! For the rest of my days on this earth, I will be without her. 

It's the emotional grieving punch followed by the financial right hook.

Sweet Molly, we were finally beginning to dig out of debt, now this. It's tough. Really tough. 

I shared this photo earlier on the insta and one of my grammers suggested that if every single one of my followers pitched in $4.51, we would have it paid off for Easter. I so love the ingenuity and incredible generosity of my readers/followers. The paypal button is up to the left if you feel called to do that. But know either way we will get it done. We are not a family that gives up! I trust in the plan I cannot see nor understand, but I know all will be well.

As for life these days, I have entered my first Holy Week as the liturgy coordinator for my parish. It's cray cray y'all and add in two funerals and the emotional distress of grieving and well it's not the easiest week to get though. 

So that's where I am today. I'm here. I'm working through it all. By the grace of God, things will settle down and Easter will be here and it will all be OK. It always is. 

I know I haven't been here much this March, but this new life and new job have required so much adjustment for me. I am slowly getting to a more confident place with the million and one details that need tending to each and every week at work. I will get there it just takes time. 

My friends, I wish you a very prayerful Holy Week. As we enter into the Passion of Our Lord, I encourage you to lay it all down at the foot of the cross. Whatever is weighing on your heart, lay it down. I know I have and will continue to each and every day. 

Remember we are an Easter People. Praise the Lord for that!!

#lovealwayswins