Yesterday was one of those days where everyone else was doing fabulous and wonderful things and absolutely nothing in my life was going right.
I woke up this morning carrying the residual effects of that no good, very bad, awful day and it looked like it was going to repeat itself. I needed to figure out how to stop that train. Leave it to God to provide the answer.
I am a woman of weak faith at times and it's days like this that weakness rises to the surface and overwhelms me bringing forth feelings of inadequacy and opening the scabs on those old wounds of "I'm not smart enough" or "I'm not talented enough" or "I'm not patient enough" that I thought I had put away for good.
Nope, for me really bad days bring it all up like the scum on top of water when your boiling beans. It's unappetizing and downright ugly to look at yet it has to happen in order to make a delicious meal or in my case in order to figure out what was bothering me.
I changed a diaper, made cookies, started dinner, fed Courtney, folded laundry, changed another diaper but NOTHING I did was removing this oppressive feeling of yuck.
So I sat down and answered my email. I came across a blog post that made me stop. It was as if she wrote it just for me. She touched on all of my inadequacies and feelings of failure regarding my writing.
I took a deep breath and kept clicking through email after email and landed once again on words of truth that shook me awake from my stupor of self-pity and self-doubt. I realized that not only was I consumed by fear but I was actually feeling resentful of my life and the fact that I feel so trapped at times that I can't see straight. I realized that I had replaced HIM with me and that never ends well.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I can say that until I am blue in the face and it doesn't change a damm thing. It just shows me that I have forgotten to live in the present moment. I have forgotten that I am not alone in this intense journey that is my life. I have forgotten to trust in Christ who created and allowed EVERYTHING that has happened or will happen.
I am fearful. He is UNWAVERING!
"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day."
Psalm 46:5
To know it is one thing, To LIVE it is quite another. So once again, I fall on my knees and ask my God to help me live it, to help me love it and to help me trust that HE has everything I need.
He will provide the inspiration. The words will flow from HIS truth not mine.
Blessings,
Mary
Head on over to Ann's @ A Holy Experience to be inspired by others who Walk With Him.
and that's how it goes...now you have helped me.
ReplyDeleteJust know how often I read your blog and think "Mary is a SuperWoman. I wish I could accomplish 1/2 of what she does in a day and with such a strong faith!" I offer you my prayers today and thank you for your words (and great recipes :)
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Betsy! You are too kind. No superpowers here at all. Just a stubborn prideful woman who is so grateful for the mercy and grace I am given each day by the ONE who created me. Thank you for your prayers. No greater gift is given to me!
ReplyDeleteJennifer - thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Mary,
ReplyDeleteHere’s your classic line… “have not worked out in two weeks other than to lift a fork to my mouth…” You are not alone girl, you are not alone! Reading your words made me feel better about my own frailties. Glad I stopped by and visited. Feel free to swing by my place too. Company is always welcome. I’ve love to hear about a defining moment in your life.
Mary~ Thank you so much flor takign teh time to blog and publishing your honest thoughts. They are many of the same thoughts I have had! And yes, I have had to fall on my knees and ask for deliverance and not once has HE failed to do so. Hang in there and keep His priorities your priorities. We aren't perfect.....just forgiven-especially when we honestly try!
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